Do to recently being downsized, I have taken a big paycut. My wife and I have been married for 11 years. We have four beautiful girls. I used to be able to take her on romantic getaways but cannot afford it now. She is a stay at home mom. The romantic getaways gave me a chance to wine and dine her, and her the chance to get a break. Most of the time the getaways would lead to an awesome sexual encounter, but I made it clear that it was not expected. Since the pay downgrade I have noticed her stress level has increased, and as a result our sexlife is down. I can handle a decrease in the sexual encounters, but I cannot stand seeing her stressed so much. What can I do to relieve her tension. If I try to massage/rub her shoulders or back she seems to like it and it helps. The problem is that I am so attracted to her still that I cannot touch her like that without becoming hard. If I am successful in not rubbing against her it is fine, but if she feels the erection when she isnt in the mood it leads to an arguement. How do I get her to understand that I cannot help it? What other suggestions do you have to help destress her?
Mon, 08/08/2011 - 06:18
#1
Ideas please!
Your question actually makes the oft-stated point here that sexual issues are often the symptom and not the problem. As a stay at home mum, she can make little difference in the income flow. She is likely stressed by the reduced income and her inability to control that.
This requires communication outside the bedroom and perhaps someone helping with the discussion is advisable. Your reassurances are important but somehow she is not quite hearing them. Get some help in discussing your situation.
What you are describing here is a relationship problem not a sex problem. Both you and your wife are under a great deal of stress and you have to find ways to tell each other about your feelings. Central to this is to focus on describing how YOU feel and let her tell you how she feels. It is easy to slip into telling her how you want her to feel and that is counterproductive. I agree with Brandye that you need help. If you have a pastor or religious adviser, that might be a place to start. Remember that the problem here is not sex, but your relationship and communication about it, so that should be the counselor's focus.
You talk about your wife's stress, but do you really understand what her stress is? Is it the difficulty of grocery shopping on a very limited budget? You could go with her and share making some of the difficult decisions (what the kids like vs what we can afford) Is it lack of time away from the kids? What could you do on evenings of weekends to give her time off?
I don't want to offend you, but you might want to notice that you began your post with what was a relationship between spending money and having great sex. If you step back you may see that the two are quite separate and that is the sort of thing that a counselor can help with.