he wants me back.We've been married almost 17yrs but separated for the past 9 due to his abusive/dominating nature.I've never felt the need to get divorced before & we get along better this way.I don't love him anymore but i tolerate him because he's my children's father.We've had sex on & off since our separation & lately it's been really good(better than during our marriage even)But the thing is he wants us to go back to living together,but i don't want to go back to my old ways as i have come so far being able to live my life without him criticising me & blaming me for everything that goes wrong as well as the physical&sexual abuse he put our daughter through.He says he's changed but i've heard that too many times before & besides i want to move forward in my life and meet new people in the hope of meeting the right person who'll treat me with respect,love and everything else a woman needs.How many times do i have to tell him this?I don't know how to go about getting divorced.Any advice on anything i've said appreciated please.:confused:
Mon, 10/18/2010 - 16:44
#1
I want a divorce but...
You are prolonging your dependency upon him and all abusive relationships are codependent. It is time for him to learn to get laid on his own and time for you to be moving on. He put your daughter through pain that will need tending to later in her life; what is the message to her of your hanging around a man who abused her? You have "told him," now it is past time to "show him." Within a fortnight of being back together, you will become your former self.
Get to a family law practitioner or a legal aid society and get the process moving. And, keep your legs crossed in his presence.
When I heard this, I am thinking ditch the bastard and go find someone who actually gives a damn about you. He wants you back only so that no one else can.
Yes i hear you Brandye,i know deep down i have to end it,but he's not all bad.There is a good & generous side to him that has helped to support us since the separation.And i feel that i've been walking around blindfolded for the last 9 years.My family has repeatedly told me to get rid of him,but i keep going back to the words i promised him @ the altar "for better,for worse....".I also thought that no other man would want me,but that theory has recently flown out the window,i've got men lining up in droves wanting to get to know me:):o
As much as I am a believer in second chances, I do not apply that to abusers. I feel that they may put on an act just to get you back and then shampoo (lather, rinse, repeat).
Wrave i am begining to see that now,i've told him countless times to find a new ladyfriend(preferably someone with no kids)but he is adamant that he doesn't want anyone else,although i've told him that there may be someone else for me maybe in the near future
Its your life, but I care about a womens safety too much. I hate to see women abused both physically and emotionally. Nothing pisses me off more to see a guy abuse a girl.
Rachel, think with your head not with your heart this time. If he has done it all these years, he is not going to change for you or anyone else.
Also, PM sent.
Part of my problem is that i am always putting other peoples needs before my own.For the past 9yrs i've been focusing on getting my childrens lives on track(my two sons have also suffered emotionally from all this crap in our lives)and i've neglected my own needs till recently.I'm a very loyal person & too much change in my life freaks me out.I guess my excessive giving nature is one reason i get "burned"so much.I probably give till there's nothing else left in the tank:(
Although I do not have personal experience in this department, I speak from the heart when I say this. Leave the abuser and find a guy who will give you love no matter what and treat you better. You are still young and I have no doubt you can find someone better.
Two words: Lawyer up.
[QUOTE=raunchy gal;260455]...but he's not all bad.There is a good & generous side to him that has helped to support us since the separation.[/QUOTE]
I call Bull $hit here. That's not him being a good and generous guy. That's him fulfilling his responsibilities as a father. There's a difference, and don't you dare let him out of the latter.
[QUOTE=raunchy gal;260455]...but i keep going back to the words i promised him @ the altar "for better,for worse....".[/QUOTE]
BS again. He lost his claim to those vows when he hurt you, not to even mention what he did to your kids.
[QUOTE=raunchy gal;260455]I also thought that no other man would want me,but that theory has recently flown out the window,i've got men lining up in droves wanting to get to know me:):o[/QUOTE]
Go get 'em, Tigress!
I second 'Lawyer Up', but I'll add 'Get yourself some counselling'.
My mum put up with physical abuse from my father for 7 years, I understand the mindset of the abused wife, you don't think you deserve better.
But your kids do. Your daughter sure as hell does.
Yep, I'm giving you a guilt trip because just about anything is better than subjecting yourself and your kids to physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Someone gave my mum this same guilt trip (though I was never abused, 'just' her) and as an adult I have hugged them and thanked them for saving my 7 year old self from that toxic childhood.
Get help so that you can get out.
Australian community services, Centrelink and police are pretty damn enlightenned these days, you'll get support from them if you ask for it.
Scary as it may seem; no partner is better than an abusive one.
Thanks for the suggestion Lola,yes i am receiving counselling for all of this.There's other stuff from my childhood that i'm also dealing with(my own sexual abuse @ the hands of an uncle My children especially my daughter have also had extensive counselling.The only reason my husband wasn't prosecuted was because my daughter refused to speak to the police(she was 7 @ the time)and i felt that i needed to support her decision.Her twin brother who witnessed the abuse of his sister and told me(and was believed)has acted out his anger/hurt by rebelling against authority.He has recently changed his behaviour for the better,I've spoken to my daughter about my own ordeal in the hope that she will confide in me,which she has to a point.She's coping in her own way.I decided to put up with the abuse,as long as my children weren't harmed,but when i learned of my husbands ultimate betrayal,it was turf him out or we go.He chose to leave,if it was only me being abused i would probably still be living with my husband.But as the mother lioness i needed to protect my children,and getting a divorce would show that i have finally found my feet again.
Do not merely divorce him; publicly brand him as what he is: a child rapist and a wife abuser because this foulness you call your husband still does not accept the gravity of what he has done.
You have been complicit in fostering this belief. Every time you returned to hm for sexual favors, you told him that you weren't seriously upset and that what he did wasn't bad. He is basing his current request to return to the house and live together upon this impression.
Instead of mildly telling him no and calmly saying you want a divorce as if you needed his permission, NAIL HIM. He does not deserve your consideration, he deserves a bullet to the brain, figuratively if not literally. It is only due to your continuing doormat status that he has not been slaughtered already.
Coldly take him for all that he is, and for all that he ever will be, worth; and make no secret of WHY.
(also stop crowing about how younger men online are lining up in droves to 'date' you. You appear weak and feeble when you do.)
Evilevilkitten is right ! Protect yourself, your story sounds like a young womans that I know. She let him come back etc etc....getting roughed up for sex, she was use to, in her mind it was acceptable. Her next pre-sex beating, put her in the ER and 2 days in the hospital.
Somewhere about the time a girl turns 13, she loses her self-esteem. Scientists are still baffled why this occurs but its something parents should be aware of and take steps to counter by giving her opportunities to excell, to feel good about herself and her future, and by both showing and telling her that she is loved and valued for who she is - in her own right and not just because 'she's your daughter'.
Yes EEK i have been doing exactly that for my daughter.She is 17 now and has just returned from her first overseas trip(she went with a group from school)She has also travelled extensively around Australia on school trips,with girl guides and church youth group.I have encouraged her to explore her surroundings and take what opportunities come her way.She has blossomed into a beautiful young woman that i love unconditionally and am so extremely proud of.
ditto all the above...NAIL his hide to the wall.
hi would you talk with me
Just my .02...let go and leave. I understand your pain. I'm looking at a similar situation with two children involved. The feelings are gone and the union can't be saved. I believe once you separate, well, you have to actually get apart. Tigers don't change their stripes.
Yes spiderman you are so right.He called me today and asked me a question about helping me pay our joint health insurance which i've been paying ever since our separation as he pays the mortgage on the family home that i'm still living in.I told him no because when our divorce is final you can have the house (i don't want any part of it,just my name taken off the mortgage)and change the health insurance to a single plan instead of a family one.And his reply was 'I don't want you to get a divorce' I said to him 'So you want me to be tied to your hip like a Siamese twin,if i meet someone who wants to be with me,do i have to tell him NO,my husband won't allow me to divorce him'Then i said 'Go to hell,you don't own me,and i don't love you anymore'And his response was to hang up on me.This exchange tells me that he is very obsessed/dependent on me and he's threatened suicide before when he couldn't get his own way,so i'm worried he might hold that over my head to stop me divorcing him.He's very immature and can't get it through his thick head that our 17yr marriage is over,of which almost 10yrs have been spent living apart.
Of course he's going to use whatever hook he can to hang you up and prevent this divorce - BUT if you TELL the world what he's done - you will get one "will he or won't he' AND most likely the judge will throw his dead ass in jail where he BELONGS.
Suicide? If he's been life insured for more than two years say GO AHEAD! You'll still collect.
[QUOTE=raunchy gal;260442]he wants me back.We've been married almost 17yrs but separated for the past 9 due to his abusive/dominating nature.I've never felt the need to get divorced before & we get along better this way.I don't love him anymore but i tolerate him because he's my children's father.We've had sex on & off since our separation & lately it's been really good(better than during our marriage even):[/QUOTE]
I find this completely disturbing..YOU STILL HAVE SEX WITH HIM????
You tolerate the Child Rapist because he is Your Childs father even tho he raped said child?
No nutty, i don't have sex with him anymore.I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel.And when i definitely decided to file for divorce i told him don't you think you can come over and have me when you want because from now on this is a no go zone.He didn't like it but i'm determined to see this through to the very end and see him Go to hell for what he has done to me and my children.And yes for those of you who don't know i am also raunchy gal
I have been in your shoes Raunchy. I will explain the path I took and see if it fits your needs.
Similar situation as I said, we were married 13 years. What ever happened, I made sure I remained civil. We talked about divorce and decided it was required. I went online and bought a marriage seperation agreement. It took over six months to agree on how to split our assets but, we did using common sense.
I then approached an attorney who tried to get a battle going between my wife and I. I told this female attorney There wasnt going to be a battle and that I just wanted an attorney to file the divorce for me (I was going to myself but it required to much work).
The attorney agreed and my divorce cost 350.00 for the filing. That was it.
The key to a sane divorce is for both parties to remain civil and use common sense and fairness. You and your husband need to work everything out prior to contacting an attorney. My divorce was seamless and smooth.
Well #1 problem is he doesn't listen to me.Whenever i try to talk sense into him he hangs up the phone on me.#2 I don't want the house,i just want my name taken off the mortgage because it shouldn't have been on there in the first place as the house was never in my name.#3 the house has fallen to wrack and ruin because he refuses to adequately maintain it and it is not worth selling.#4 he can have it back and fix it up then live in it for all i care#5 i just want to get the whole mess over and done with as i should have done it years ago
[QUOTE=Aphrodite_66;262376].And yes for those of you who don't know i am also raunchy gal[/QUOTE]
OK now Why on earth have you 2 user names
Lol reading thru posts I see you posting to "Your Other Self" trying to adivse "Your Other Self"
Seriously I think You need to step away from the Net and get some help
think like this if ur lil girl came 2 u 4 help like this what would u? plus by taking him back could possible ruin ur lil girl way life see her get hurt she think thats love and find guy like him and she might be strong like u about leaving..... u do fine and right thing
because i got sick and tired of getting PM'd by young guys who only want to talk sex.Aphrodite is a more mature name and things have been changing since i decided to take on a persona that represents the real me much better.RG is still a small part of me and i can't let go of her just yet?And from your posts nutty it seems you dislike me,you are entitled to your opinion but a nice word every once in a while won't kill you
I'm NOT TAKING HIM BACK, I'm MOVING ON and GETTING A DIVORCE.And my daughter has a nice boyfriend who treats her right,and i want to find someone who treats me right and really loves me,znd who i can love in return.And i can't do that if my husband is still tied to my apron strings.I WANT to CUT the TIES that BIND me to him.
Nutty i am getting professional counselling and believe it or not i have studied some psychology as a part of a course i was doing.My advising myself is a way of standing up for myself, and gaining self confidence ,something i've had very little of all my life that i'm trying to replenish.Also i was advised by a senior member of the forum who shall remain nameless to get a better profile,as raunchy gal sounds silly and frivolous.Aphrodite suits my personality better and good karma has been around me since she came on the scene.There's still a bit of raunchy gal in me and i can't just dump her unceremoniously,plus i don't know how.You are entitled to your opinion nutty and i'm not offended by your comments
do a lorenna bobbit on him. ;)
[url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lorena_Bobbitt]John and Lorena Bobbitt - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
yes i know all about that,unfortunately i am not a person who uses violence on another person
[QUOTE=raunchy gal;262442]yes i know all about that,unfortunately i am not a person who uses violence on another person[/QUOTE]
violence is never an answer, but it sure can be fun to fantasize about when they deserve a good ass-kicking. ;)