Dont contact him. Turn off your cell, dont answer the door. contact the police and tell them to keep him away from you.

this is totally unacceptable.

I'd like to be the first to point out that this qualifies as rape. If you said no and he kept going, it's rape. Second of all, it's not your fault. You did nothing to provoke him; it's something I learned from a self-defense class. It's never your fault.

I say it's time a have a long sit-down with him and explain to him (in very loud ans simple terms) that what he did was unacceptable. Personally, I'd dump him too, but that's me.

CALL THE POLICE! This is rape.

This is absolutely not your fault. You did nothing wrong here. You trusted someone and he violated your trust and he violated you. This is not OK. You need to have this man arrested. He took advantage of you, and now he can do this to other girls if you do not call the police immediatley. Do you want someone else to go through this?

Do not feel guilty, because you did NOTHING wrong. He did something VERY WRONG. If you say no, it means no. You didn't provoke him by sleeping in the same bed with him. You told him no and he didn't listen.

First, call the police. Immediately. Now, if you haven't already done this. Second, seek therapy. This is nothing to feel guilty for. This is abuse, which is HIS fault.

I am so sorry that you had to experience this for your first time. Whatever you want to think of it as, it is rape. Rape is an experience that no one should ever have to go through. Please don't let yourself feel guilty - he should be feeling guilty, not you. Do not accept his apologies, do not have contact with him.

You need to let the authorities know soon - while there is still evidence. If you haven't washed your underwear or pants from that night, keep them unwashed because they may have semen on them still which you can use as evidence against him. Since this was a violent rape, you should also see a doctor immediately, not only for your physical safety but because this will be documentation with which he can be prosecuted.

I know it will be very hard to tell someone else about your experience, but you need to do it. Otherwise, he is free to do this to other girls. Please do this, and let us know how you are.

as a guy, i would have to tell you that what your boyfriend is exactly as roxypuppy said, it was rape! he may feel that he has a so called right to rape you but he doesn't! not only do i think you should dump him immediately, i think you should seriously consider going to the police... this may not be the first time he has done this to someone, but you have the power to help make it so he can't ever do it again (by telling the cops)!

1. This is a deal breaker.
2. This is date rape.

Report him and then have no further interaction with him.

Col90- what makes me think it was a violent rape is that you said you are in a lot of pain and that you were crying and telling him to stop. He doesn't have to hit you or really force you for it to be violent. If you are not warmed up enough for sex and you do not want it, you are going to be very tense, dry, and tight, and sex will be extremely painful - which also constitutes violence, because he knows this and is enjoying the fact that you are in his control and that he is able to hurt you and take your virginity. Rape is a very violent act.

Yes, it is rape. It does not matter whether he is your boyfriend, or even whether he is your husband. Over half of rapes are committed by someone you know. If you tell him no and he does not stop, it is rape. You told him no, you were crying, you didn't want to have sex with him. Despite that, he raped you.

Here is a good article on rape: http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/date_rape.html

Here is the website of the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network. They have a hotine you should call: http://www.rainn.org/

Please call the police. This is rape. I really hope you do this so that he will not rape other girls, and so that you have the peace of mind. If you're nervous call the RAINN hotline first, and they will help you out.

Also, you NEED to see a doctor ASAP. If you hurt a lot, he may have seriously injured you. You might need stitches for all you know. Get this taken care of. I know you are sensitive about men now, but please understand that not all men are like this. You can also request a female doctor. Go to a Planned Parenthood. Anything, but it is essential that you see a dotor.

I am so sorry that this happened to you, but you need to do something about it now. Let people know. Talk about it. See a therapist. And CALL THE POLICE.

Just to pile on here:

What occurred, as described in the first post, is rape: most definitely in the US, and I suspect in other reasonably civilized countries.

you said no, and he kept going, its rape... even if he is your bf and didnt use alot of force its still rape

This is an unfortunate and SAD incident...COL90 has received much information from alot of different members here(go back thru the archives)...some of the MOST disturbing info is that this man(who should have turned in his man card a long time ago) was 30 and SHOULD BE EXPERIENCED therefore she should enjoy his expertise..Col90 you have to do the right thing and make this person accountable for NOT STOPPING when you asked him..get some professional advice from this point on Col90

[QUOTE=col90;160452]
my vagina hurts right now. I don't want to go see the gyn since I won't be able to stand another men touching me down there. It really hurt.

I so hate him right now. He tought something from me without even asking. How did he dare doing such a thing to me, hey ?[/QUOTE]

Yes whaat you are describing is called rape have no fear of mischarging him you said in your first post that he held you down that is violence to you and constitutes rape. not being able to control oneself is not an excuse this is rape. If he respects and loves you he would not do this.

what he did is a criminal ofense and he will do it to others so follow the advice of the other members and act NOW. the doctor will certainly not hurt you and possibly can help you bring this to the attention of the police. this flybanite deserves to be jailed for life.

I would never do any such thing to a girl no is no and I spent two weeks with a girl and respected her wishes with no problem this jerk must be stopped now !

[QUOTE=col90;160452]Hey, what make you think browneyedgirl this was a violent rape ? And is this even rape ? he was my boyfriend and it's not like he used really a lot of force. while he was doing it he reassured me and all, told me it was going to be okay after a few minutes and all, so I don't think the police will call this rape.

my vagina hurts right now. I don't want to go see the gyn since I won't be able to stand another men touching me down there. It really hurt.

I so hate him right now. He tought something from me without even asking. How did he dare doing such a thing to me, hey ?[/QUOTE]

Assuming your story is accurate, the following things are facts:
1. You made it clear that further sexual contact was not welcome
2. He disregarded your wishes had had sexual intercourse with you anyway

Whether or not he is your bf, husband, complete stranger, or anything else is irrelevant. Even though you are confused, this is quite a clear-cut case and there's no question as to whether consent was given or not.

There are LOTS of anonymous help lines, distress lines, etc. for women in your situation. Look them up on the internet or the phone book. An anonymous chat with a cousellor will definitely help you make sense of things and give you a better idea of how to proceed.

[QUOTE=col90;160497]But why he did that to me ? Why ?[/QUOTE]
That question has been asked by women for a millenia and more.

because he isnt ok in the head is why. there is people out there who seek this as a thrill. many many children and teens are raped everyday and by letting him get away with this may put you and others in danger. its not right, it never has been. but you must know not all guys will do things like that

Why?
No one can tell you exactly aside from him, and I don't think you should be talking to him. I'm sure there are many books out there on the psychology behind rape. It is usually considered a power thing. He is a selfish jerk. This has nothing to do with you, the way you acted, or who you are. It doesn't make you a less valuable person. This is his sickness. Please call a rape hotline, or get to a hospital and talk to a doctor and a therapist. Please tell someone that you trust. And please, call the authorities. Let us know how it goes and how you are.

[QUOTE=col90;160497]But why he did that to me ? Why ?[/QUOTE]

it is hard for men in general to control their urge to have sex once they are aroused. thats because nature made them that way. but im not saying all men cant control themselves. many have the will power to control if the woman does not want to have sex, or they can compromise in other ways (oral sex, hand jobs, whatever) to 'finish off'. women are not so unable to control themselves (maybe because again, nature designed them to be very choosy about their mates and when they have sex, and they look for sex only when 'in heat'.) of course there are exceptions here too.
however, in a relationship or otherwise, (especially in a relationship), an understanding man MUST control himself if the woman is not willing to have sex with him. as a girl, you are NOT expected to understand 'how strong his urge is, and consent to sex just because you started it and now hey cant stop there just like that' so there is nothing to feel guilty about even if you did turn him on in the first place. whatever it is, its YOUR body, and he needs your permission to use it in any way, be it to touch you or kiss you or have sex. especially if he is your boyfriend, it is his responsibility to put your well-being first before his satisfaction (if the satisfaction involves using your body). in your case, it looks like he was unable to control himself fully. he probably felt it wasnt right at the back of his mind if he kept trying to reassure you that it will be ok. in fact he (or his urge) was reassuring himself that its ok to violate a girl's body even when she did not wish it. even if at the end when his hormones ebbed off, he felt genuinely guilty about it, and said he didnt mean to, blah blah, it is STILL rape as others have said here.
i could go one step further and say he did that to you because he put his satisfaction higher on the priority list than you. but the point here is that, if he finds he can get away with using you like this once, he could do it again thinking its no big deal. he will probably take you for granted, cheat on you, whatever, just because he can get away with it. and i dont suppose thats the kind of relationship you want. which is why you HAVE TO REPORT THIS ASAP

Col90 - That is definitely rape, and you should really report it to the police. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your virginity in that way. I really hope that you don't keep him as your boyfriend after he did a thing like that. He used you for his own gratification, without consideration for your needs, and that should tell you something about the sort of person he really is.

Please don't blame yourself, though. It was not your fault. You told him to stop, and he didn't, so he is to blame for what happened - 100%.

I really hope this bad experience doesn't affect your future happiness. Sure, men have strong sexual urges, but not all men want to dominate women like that.

For my part, I abhor behaviour like that. As far as I am concerned, I would NEVER try to force a woman to do something against her will. When I am with a woman, I want it to be a mutually sharing situation, where the pleasure I derive is proportional to the pleasure I give. If she says no to something, then that is where it stops, no questions asked.

I have never understood the sort of guy who wants to dominate women. As far as I am concerned, NO means NO.

no it won't if you are with a person that gives you the loving care and attention you deserve no woman deserves that treatment that was rape and think of this he is 29 you are 19 what has HE being doing for the last 10 years ? raping other so called girlfriends like that ? it is time somebody is up to stop him. he may have been reported before and dealt with too lightly but a second report will do him in for good, he has another 30 years of active sexual life ahead of him and must not be allowed to go raping girls he gets into bed that refuse to bend to his will sex and especially pleasurable sex is about sharing and caring not imposing ones will this man is dangerous and needs to be stopped.
most rapist get away with it because they are not reported you must have courage and report him a doctor (even female if you wish) can help you do this - good luck

You mentioned in your first post that he was your boyfriend, and that you were sleeping in the same bed at the time. He obviously took advantage of the situation to get his own way. Make no mistake, though, it is still rape.

I would have nothing more to do with this guy. If he does approach you, though, and tries anything untoward, then you can always knee him in the groin. That may sound harsh, but you have the right to defend yourself. And, believe me, it will really hurt him.

Cyclefreak is right, self defense is totally kosher. You can also call the police if he comes near you again. You may want to look into restraining orders, too.

No, sex is not supposed to be painful. For many virgins there is a slight discomfort, but the main reasons for sex being painful, even your first time are:

1. He goes too fast and you are not ready for intercourse. When you are ready to have sex, your vaginal muscles will be relaxed, your vagina will gain elasticity, and you will produce a natural lubricant. All these things allow sex to be painless. If you have sex before you are physically ready (turned on enough), it will be painful.
2. You have to be comfortable with him and with yourself. Here, you were not at all comfortable with what was going on, so your whole body tensed up. Not only were you not turned on and your body wasn't ready to accomodate a penis, but you were also tense in general. This is no way to have sex.

Again, this is why rape is considered a violent act, even when he's not "forcing" you or hitting you. It is extremely painful for the victim, both emotionally and physically. A penis being crammed into you and repeatedly thrust into you when you are not ready for it is going to hurt a lot - and so that is violent. However, sex should not EVER be like this. That is why it is a LAW that sex has to be consensual.

Sex is meant to be a loving act between two people. When you have sex, you get the opportunity to share pleasure with someone. Rape does contain sexual intercourse, but it is NOT a typical sexual experience and bears no real resemblance to what sex will be with a loving partner. Sex has never been at all painful with my boyfriend (well... we have done some S&M, but we were both into that and the sex itself was still not painful). Everything we do is 100% consensual, meaning that we both want to do it and we never would pressure each other into doing anything that we both didn't WANT to do.

Please understand that what you went through was not a typical relationship or a typical sexual experience; in fact, this is so out of the realm of what is OK that it is illegal. The great majority of men will not do this to you, just as the great majority of men are not murderers. What you experienced is NOT OK. This will not happen within a healthy, loving relationship. There are many men out there who will love you and respect you and be more than willing to wait to have sex until you actually want to, go slowly with you, and make your pleasure a foremost concern.

I know it will take you a while before you can think about having sex again with anyone, or even before you will probably be able to trust most men. That is totally understandable, but I think one day you will meet someone who is right for you and who will be understanding of what you have gone through. I wish you the best of luck.

Have you called the police? Have you told someone close to you about this? Have you called a hotline or gone to the doctor? If you haven't done this, I really urge you to.

As long as you have a loving, supportive family then talking about it with them should help. I can appreciate, however, that you find it difficult to tell them. You have just been through a traumatic experience, and are unsure how they will react. But as browneyedgirl says, you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

I do think, though, that telling your family about this is something you need to do in your own time. Although I think people on this forum have been very supportive, and have given you some good advice, I don't believe that you should feel pressured in any way about this.

I know its not easy. You are obviously still traumatised by the experience. That is why I said that I don't think you should feel pressured about telling people. Talking to someone may help you to deal with it, but its something you need to do in your own time.

I'm going to suggest you call a professional distress / crisis centre in your area hunny. If you don't have a number, this centre in Toronto is very good.
Don't worry its confidential.

Toronto Rape Crisis Centre 416-597-8808

What he did was unforgiveable. He has committed a crime against you, and I'm glad you reported it to the police.

It does sound like you are very traumatised by the experience, though, and may need some professional help to deal with the emotional consequences. Perhaps there is some counselling service available in the area where you live?

I have to admit that I have no experience in dealing with matters like this, and can only offer whatever advice I think is appropriate. I really hope, too, that talking to people on this forum helps you to some degree.

I do feel terribly sorry for what has happened to you though. No man has the right to treat a woman like that. I really hope that you are eventually able to move forward from this. I know its difficult, though, and it will take time and a lot of help and understanding from the right people.

I say we find your so-called "boyfriend", tie him up, and all take turns pissing on him. Right before someone shoots him in the face.

What a piece of ****.

Call the police and stay away from him. he's bad news. Like everyone has said thats totally a rape case.

I'm glad you went to the police and a doctor! Telling someone will be hard, but I think you will feel much better once you get it off your chest and get some moral support from your loved ones. This isn't something you need to be ashamed of - he should be ashamed, not you. You did nothing wrong here. Your friends and family will understand this, and they can give you some of the love and care you need right now.

Don't let this situation make you wonder about sex altogether. As a victim of rape myself, I understand the guilt that people go through post trauma such as this.

You have to keep in mind that not all men are like this. There are tons of respectable males out there, who certainly would never do this to you. Remember that not all men are not worthy of trust. I imagine it'll take you longer to trust a man next time, especially to the extent of doing anything physical with another one at some point.

My girlfriend and I took our time on purpose for this reason and a few more. First and foremost, we wanted to be sure that we really loved each other and that the respect and trust essential for sex were present.

Secondly, it was because I was still feeling all this guilt from before. We worked our way into it, taking our time. We didn't have sex until a few days before our one year anniversary of being together.

It depends on how deep this hurt is for you and how much it'll mean to you and define you. If you seek therapy, the healing process will be much, much easier. You'll come to terms with the fact that it indeed, WASN'T your fault and that you shouldn't be held accountable for any of it.

But if you allow yourself to trust another man to the extent of having sex with him, and if you truly love and respect him and he hold both true for you, then no, sex will not hurt like that. If it is with someone you truly love, honor, and respect, sex is a wonderful thing between two human beings.

col90 - drop him. Do not pick up the phone when he calls and never see him again. Have you no self-esteem?
Now you know why it is important to select your men carefully.

If he calls again, hang up on him immediately. Do not talk to him. If you do, tell him what he did was inexcusable and you never want to hear from him again. Seriously, you can get a restraining order. You can also call the police if he calls you and ask them to tell him not to call you or have any contact with you.

DO NOT consider getting back together with someone who would RAPE you. It doesn't matter whether he is sorry, and it doesn't matter whether he doesn't know what came over him. He cannot take back what he did, and you have gone through unnecessary and damaging trauma. Unfortunately, this is likely to affect your view on sex and relationships for years to come. He has done WAY too much harm to you. Do not have contact with this man.

Col90, have nothing more to do with this guy. He may well be remorseful, but if he did it once, then he will do it again. Or maybe he's only scared for himself, knowing that he could be facing a rape charge. What he did was unforgiveable, and he doesn't seem to recognise the enormity of what he has done to you. Or maybe he does, and he's just trying to sweet talk you. If that is what he is doing, then he is being manipulative, and that is even more reason to get him out of your life. He doesn't deserve your forgiveness.

No guy who cares for you would ever treat you like that. My advice is to ditch this loser, and look for someone who will treat you properly. You are young, and have your whole life ahead of you. You deserve a lot better than this guy.

Be strong!

Surely you have heard of how abusers feel remorse and woo their victims back after having beaten them! This is just another example of the same sort of thing. You do NOT want to go there.

So just stop.

col90 - and, hun, it WASN'T your fault.

you must forget him and have the law deal with him. he cannot possibly repair the damage he has done and will rape again in my opinion he is 29 and should by now know what a normal relationship is and know hot to trteat women respectfully. he probably wants to manipulate you and convince you not to report him which I hope you have

Col90, there is often a pattern of behaviour with men who abuse women. After the abuse, they feel remorseful, and say they are sorry and will never do it again. Its a kind of emotional blackmail. The woman then gives him another chance, but it is only a matter of time before he does it again. And the cycle repeats itself. There are women who endure this kind of situation for years.

From what you have said, this guy's behaviour seems to fit that sort of pattern. He is 29, and no doubt experienced, so I'll bet he's done this sort of thing before. And he will do it again.

Having said all this, though, I'd like to echo the comments of some of the other people on this thread, and point out that not all men are like this. There are many decent men out there, who treat women respectfully and would never do a thing like that.

I realise that this is a difficult thing for you to deal with, and you are probably feeling distrustful of men at the moment. I know this is easy for me to say, but please don't let this experience put you off the idea of sex and relationships for good.

You will need time to deal with this though. First, you really need to get this guy out of your life. Once you've done that, maybe you should take some time out. Perhaps get to know some guys closer to your own age, socially, just as friends. Take things slowly, and only get involved in a relationship when you feel you are ready. There is no rush, you are young, give yourself some time.

Col90...I am so sorry I wasn't here for you. I had been following your posts and trying to answer your questions.

1st of all stop blaming yourself. You said no and or stop and that should have been the end of it. Now this is on him and he should have to be held accountable for what he has done. His words can not change his actions. They are just words of deception he is using for his own gain. He either wants you back in his life so that he can keep abusing or so that you will feel better about him and not turn him in. He knows what he has done is wrong. [COLOR="Red">DO NOT TALK TO HIM!!!![/COLOR] He will continue to try to decieve you.

You need to talk to some one about this. I am not sure where you live but there are hot lines out there. These give you the chance to talk to some one with out being face to face. That sometimes makes it easier for you tell what has happened to you.

Rape Crisis 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)

This number is available 24/7 and they can help you. You can also speak to a woman if you rather and it is confidential. Don't be affraid to talk to some one about this.

Don't be affraid to turn him in. I hope you already have. Not only will you be doing it for your self you will be doing it for the next girl he would do this to. Guys who do this don't just so it once. If they "get away" with it they will continue to do it. The guilt I have over not turning my rapist in will live with me forever. Don't so that to yourself. It is not pleasent.

col90 - what has happened? What is the current situation? Please give us an update, dear! We sincerely wish to know!

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;160839]col90 - what has happened? What is the current situation? Please give us an update, dear! We sincerely wish to know![/QUOTE]

Col90 has posted on a different thread - 'scared that guys will rape me'

i owuld call the cops on that guy he is messed up in the head u should report that cuz ur probly not the first person he has done it to and most likly wont be the last

you did nothing wrong. he should have respected you first of all. and you just need to remember he is in the wrong and you are the victum.

No means no, and I hope that everyone understands that. I see that this is an old post so I hope Col90 is doing well.

I am personally glad this got bumped up, it's something that every woman should see. Wishing Col90 all the best.