[QUOTE=Wrave;260332][COLOR="blue">Me and a girl I am close with tried to have sex earlier and well it is making me feel down.[/COLOR]

A girl that I am close to and I...
A girl and I...

Please do not get ahead of the "power curve", Wrave. There is no need to feel down until there are no options.
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She was in constant pain after I fingered her (which I think maybe Vagismus)[/COLOR]

* Is she a virgin?
* Has she engaged in intercourse more than once?

* Has she stated that this has happened before, if she has had intercourse before?

* You need information from her before drawing any conclusions. Relationships are partnerships and thus require communication and feedback. Making love should not be about what we do to each other, rather, what we do with and for each other in partnership.

If she is a virgin, then you may very well be tugging against her hymen. Yes or no, it may be that the hymen has not opened sufficiently. Both can cause discomfort.

It is possible that she is suffering from Vaginismus, spasms of the vagina that cause pain, yet it is way to early to place cause here. This is why you need information, and if necessary, she should get checked out by her doctor.

[COLOR="blue">and then I could not even get it up. Now I am so down in the dumps about it. [/COLOR]

Performance Anxiety is a very common occurrence and is directly caused by worrying about this, that, or, the other. The fix for this is to quite literally stop worrying! I know, easier said than done, yet this is all there is to it.
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I wanted to make her feel good and all I did was cause her pain and now I am worried that this maybe the last chance we will ever get to.

I need advice for the both of us.[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Until you have more information, my recommendation is to not insert your finger. Pleasure her outside. There is much you can do that include fingering the tip of the clitoris, the shaft, the inner labia, anus--and simply her vulva at large. Before you do, however, devote a half hour or longer to just fooling around and making out. Women require much more preparation time in order to become highly aroused. Women often masturbate without involving the inside of the vagina, so understand that you have lots of options to pleasure her.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

If she really cares for you she will understand that you tried your best.And please follow DD2's advice,you do need to sit down together and have a chat so you can both talk about how to make it a more pleasurable experience next time for the both of you

Dear Wrave,
Please don't feel so bad! You've tried and it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to be. She probably feels that she "failed", just as much as you do. And instead of thinking about turning back the hands of time, the focus should be on how to make it a better experience in the future for both of you :) It would be a shame if this would linger; fear of it happening again will probably only make it worse. To lessen this fear, what she needs now is your patience and understanding.

Don't worry too much about not getting it up. I actually think it's a logical reaction to her pain. Pain and pleasure are perceived in the same part of the brain. There is always one dominant and can't be felt at the same time. So when you feel pain (even through compassion) it could overwrite any feeling for pleasure.

Take the docs advice. And if you'd like to share a bit on her background with us, that would be helpful.

For now I wish you good luck!

Pay attention:

The first time with ANYONE is the WORST sex you will ever have with that person. Virgins or not, doesn't matter. Just accept there's a learning curve between partners. You do not need to be all that upset.

Clip your nails and clean your hands.

Begin outside with the clitoris then go for the G-Spot which is just inside and up - there's no need to go in any further. Please review the sticky post The Four Hotspots.

Relax

For her: she should get to her doctor - sex should not hurt

Thank you for the more complete information.

If she is not able to tolerate the pain of opening her hymen, then recommend that she go to her doctor and have it nicked under a local. This is a quick and easy procedure and will be over in seconds.

In the meantime, just follow the recommendations in my final paragraph, above.

Many women never insert a finger or toy when masturbating. She can do this just fine by learning her body and how to caress and stimulate it. She needs to be able to masturbate to climax regularly and consistently on her own before you can really help her achieve them. As noted in the article on the matter, we do not give orgasms away, each of us is responsible for our own. All any of us as partners can hope to accomplish is to help our partner achieve them. For this to happen reliably, she must know what is required of herself on her own, in order to show you and to give you feedback.

It sounds like your girl might need to see the doctor.If she is a virgin she might have an extra thick/tough hymen,or vaginismus.A doctor's exam may find the reason for her pain during foreplay/intercourse.Wrave if she's scared to go see a doctor,it might be nice if you offer to go with her so that she feels less alone and knows that you really do care:)

Hmmmm... although I am always in favor of people visiting a doctor to make sure there's nothing physically wrong, I wouldn't know if this is the best approach here... Having her hymen nicked? A one time fingering ending in pain and we're immediately thinking about adjusting her body?!

Comon people, this is not that bad! It takes many girls time to get used to touch. Especially since this girl is a virgin and has trouble herself getting her own finger in. Is it really that strange that she can't accept another's finger? I think that's only logical. What she needs more than any physical exam is that she needs the confidence that her body will function the way it's supposed to be. She needs to be able to relax and tune in with her body. The focus should be on whatever she is worried about and whatever is blocking her. That needs time, patience and communicating with whomever she trusts. And I hope that she is able to share her fears or discomforts with you, dear Wrave! You seem like a really sweet guy :) Just keep in mind it could take her a while before she can receive you. Which really isn't bad, cause the road towards sex is so interesting! You're sharing love, fun and pleasure, while learning about both your bodies: that's the beauty of it. Take your time exploring. Ever heard of: "toa is the way"? It means that the way towards should be enjoyed just as much as-and even more than- the destination.

Unless she's worried herself about any physical problem which is blocking her, the "mechanical" approach is only nerveracking instead of helping. I'd save that for later! (although before actual penetrative sex, since this is recommended for any girl)

The real point is: every woman should have a complete gyn exam BEFORE becoming sexually active. She is now, obviously, quite close and it is time for that exam. The doctor may do nothing or may make some specific suggestions. Given the pain she experienced, this should be told to the doctor as it suggests some things that should be checked specifically.

I'm so sorry to hear this bad news Wrave.It's obvious to me that she wasn't upfront with you about her lesbian relationship & has used you to explore her curiosity re the opposite sex.Don't be too hard on yourself, you were duped.I really do feel for you,as i know what it is like to be lied to and used as a sex toy by men i've known or dated:);):rolleyes:

Okay so you knew she was in a primary relationship. You knew she was just exploring with you. But instead of feeling bad because you may have hurt her and/or that you've let her down or failed her somehow, you feel bad because she left you and went back to her primary relationship leaving you all by yourself and now you want her to feel as miserable as you do.

Have I got that correctly?

Do you have any idea how that makes you sound??

Thinking ""she made me do x" or "she made me feel y" - that's being a child.
You are responsible for your own emotions.
If you do not want to feel the way you do, then stop.

Stop this.

You're being foolish.

Maybe you were just too big for her!!