I am so glad there are webpages like this for people like me who really need some 3rd party guidance. thank you all in advance for your replies
Here is my story: I am a 18 year old female who is on her last few weeks of her freshman year of college. 3 weeks ago I started hooking up with 'ben', a freshman who lives a few buildings down from me. He totally sought me out, told me he liked me, and we have been hooking up since. Now, he said he doesnt want a 'relationship' right now because he wants to take the aspect slow. He has never had an official girlfriend, but lots of experience in sex. he is really fun to fool around with because he knows what he is doing.
He wants to have sex, has wanted it since the third time we hooked up. It seems fast to me, but he told me where he is from, people have sex after one hookup.
He really wants sex. I want to have sex with ben. I know the sex will be good, and hey, a great stress reliever for these next few weeks. I am hesitant though because I'm afraid I'll regret it later when the school year ends and I'll talk to him a few times during the summer and maybe he'll break it off with me and I go to a very small school and he is friends with a lot of people who I am friends with so I would be seing him around a lot for the next 3 years. I'm afraid if I say no we will stop hooking up and I'll just be stuck with a no win situation. my relationship history is a few weeks with a guy then it ending aburptly. I want to believe its possible for me to have a longer relationship/hookup/something with someone.
I'll see him during the day, and it'll be a quick wave hello. no hanging out much during the day or calls to see how we are. he says he likes is space and I want to respect that. In my heart, I know I want a relationship.
Is sex for me a no-no? I'm afraid it may be, though I want to just have some good sex already! How do I tell him not right now, without him getting fed up and ending what we have??? I'm not too good at giving head, but I guess I could promise him practice makes perfect? ugh, please, help, its driving me insane.........!
If you are still virginal I would say don't sleep with him. All that he wants is meaningless sex, and from experience losing your virginity to meaningless sex is very unfilfilling and is something you will most likely regret later. I would say hold up until you are in a meaningful relationship with someone.
There is nothing wrong with having sex with Ben, unless you are prepared to 'lose' him after. From your post, I feel that Ben wants to have sex with you but not necessarily a relationship, he told you right? so this is exactly what he meant...no relationship, just sex. I think you might be disappointed if you get attached to him and from what I can read here, you might fall in love with him, and later have your heart broken.
As far as saying you are a virgin, I think this is your own secret.. no one else needs to know if you are or not.
The first time you give yourself to a guy is a very important stage in your life, one that you will remember all your life, so my point, is : Choose the right guy, not a player, because Ben is a player but an honest player, he told you right off the bat, he wants sex only, no relationship... so if you don't have sex with him... yes you will lose him...but if you do have sex with him, chances are you will lose him anyway.
Good luck... think about it!
[QUOTE]He wants to have sex, has wanted it since the third time we hooked up. It seems fast to me, but he told me where he is from, people have sex after one hookup.
[/QUOTE]
And where would that be?? LOL that's one heck of a line!
What exactly do you mean by hookup? Have you guys just been making out? fondling? oral? or handjobs??
I mean Anita pretty much said it... he's just looking for a good time, so maybe either way you go... he might move on.
At least he's honest... but it sounds like you have already started to have feelings for him.
What if you sleep w/ him...but then next week you see him flirting/hooking up w/ some other chick from your school.... How do you think it would make you feel???
Of course you have no position to say anything to him.
It's just something you have to think about.
What are you looking for at the moment?? Are you wanting something more than just a F W/ B??
Did what happened to you in Dec teach you that a lot of guys out there are in it for one thing... and you have to be responsible? There are also a lot of guys out there looking for a real connection and relationship.
Just have to decide what you are wanting and go for it.
Ben wants sex with you, and whoever else comes his way. If all you want is a romp in the bed, so be it. But you said you want a relationship, it's not w/Ben.
What do you do? Talk to him but blow him off sexually.
What is going on here?
He doesn't want a relationship.
He does want SEX.
You are worried he will break "it" off during the summer. What is there to break?
You have do decide if this is a friends with benefits or something else, and then what you are willing to buy into.
Sounds to me he is a guy who doesn't want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free. He's as much as told you so.
> Now, he said he doesnt want a 'relationship' right now because he wants to take the aspect slow.
Where is the logic in this statement? What is there to take "slow" if there is no relationship to take?**
> He has never had an official girlfriend, but lots of experience in sex.
He must have found several sources for free "milk" until those sources dried up. Wonder why that was? Ever ask that question?
> he is really fun to fool around with because he knows what he is doing.
Two things:
T#1-- He will be fun until the newness wears out and there is no substance left.
T#2-- He may or may not know what he is doing. All you can hope for is that he knows how to adjust what he knows to fit the unique dynamic the two of you create. Each pairing is different. No two couples interact the same way so what works for one bed partner or another is not necessarily what will work for the two of you. You have to explore and learn together.
> I'm afraid if I say no we will stop hooking up and I'll just be stuck with a no win situation. my relationship history is a few weeks with a guy then it ending aburptly. I want to believe its possible for me to have a longer relationship/hookup/something with someone.
You need to get real and pull your head out of the clouds. It is possible to have longer relationship/hookup/something with someone, just not him. Stop being in love with the idea of love and go look for a man of substance with whom you can then be in love. You are romanticising and not being practical. Date lots of people in order to learn what humanity has to offer. The more men you date, the better able you will be to decide who Mr. Right is when he comes into your life. If you stop dating with the first warm body who pays an interest in you your are cutting yourself way too short.
> he says he likes is space and I want to respect that.
** Tell me, what person, guy or gal, in their right mind wants their "space" who also wants to be head over heals into a relationship with some terrific person? There's something not quite right here.
Good thoughts Doc!If she does not get the point about the relationship, hopefully she'll understand the ambiguity in her writing :)
to all those that replied,
thank you so much! I took your advice to heart, and decided to tell ben I wanted to wait on sex. he literally put his pants on and walked out the door 30 seconds after. it was surreal. I was actually not hurt, but more bemused to tell you the truth.
About a week later, a new guy friend of mine and I began to live out Bonnie Raitt's 'lets give them something to talk about'. We've just started, but it's been terrific so far. that wouldn't have happened if I hadnt had the courage to say no to ben!
you have chosen the right choice miss taurus6295..he isn't worth it..all the best to you in the future :)
hurray, ben was a player now find a serious minded man