I usually can masturbate by myself and enjoy it better than with my boyfriend. My boyfriend likes to rub me before having sex, but I don't really enjoy that. I don't like the feeling of someone else doing it for me. If that makes since? I don't have an orgasm with whatever he tries to do to me. He is my first long term relationship that I have had, we have only been dating for about 10 months now, and I lost my virginity to him. I just don't enjoy having sex with him or when he fingers me. I feel strange talking to him about it. I wasn't brought up with a religious family or anything. But the meantion of sex around my parents wasn't allowed. I couldn't talk to my mother about my period either, I basically had to learn on my own with everything on womanhood, finding information in books along with elsewhere. Anytime I want to talk about it with him, I just choke up and thinking of something else to say. I guess I will include that I am 20 years old. I want to try to make things better sexually for both of us. I think I also get nervous on the subject, since I know he has been with a lot of women before. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me. I don't think that anymore, I'm just trying to find the best situation for me, that will help.
Wed, 03/16/2005 - 07:05
#1
i only enjoy things by myself
About a quarter of all women never experience orgasm. About half of us do not experience orgasm with penile thrusting alone. You seem to fall between these categories and can be thankful that you experience orgasm at all.
Perhaps your sexual response is telling you something about the relationship. He may not be "the" one. Perhaps you could benefit from from sex therapy counseling especially if this occurs with a future partner. I agree with the observations that this is your issue, not his.
Masturbation os the greatest sex teacher we women have. We can learn what works and, most importantly, learn what we are seeking. Your greatest problem right now is not being comfortable talking about it. Not an uncommon problem.
Think long and hard and seek a good counselor who really specializes in female sexual response should you go that route.
i dontbelieve that it has to do with his technique at all. i believe that is has to do with you mind. as you said, you have had to learn about everything by yourself. you have looked in books and read about your body. you have also explored your body yoursef. it could be that in your head you think that you are th only person that can please you. ou have done everything in the past and maybe you dont trust or maybe even want anyone ese to do the things you do to yourself.
Thank you, i'll keep those thoughts in mind and try to see if I can make our sexual life more exciting for the both of us.
I think I can make this fairly simple... but that doesn't mean easy.
I do not agree that the issue is his technique - it may be a factor, but let's look at the entire picture.
Basically, your entire sexual experience and exploration has been solitary... the "good news" is that you apparently have had quite an adventure and have discovered many wonderful things. You wouldn't have to dig too deep on this forum to discover there are a lot of women who have trouble orgasming, even when masterbating.
The downside of that is that you've learned it with and by yourself and there's been very little sharing involved. You've learned how to pleasure yourself well but you haven't (and this is not a criticism) learned how to be comfortable with sharing your things sexual. As you say, you "choke up" and "get nervous."
You're right - there's nothing wrong with you. You simply need to expand on what you've learned and include learning how to share things sexual. Start small... maybe just revealing little things: turn ons, simple fantasies...
Even posting here is a good step because it gets you talking about things and exploring the sharing aspect. Keep creating environments that encourage you to share.
I suspect as you begin to enjoy the openness and excitement things will flow quite naturally. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen.
any thoughts?
It sounds as if perhaps your boyfriend isn't taking the time to learn your body to see what you enjoy. However, that being said, he may be in the mindset that what works on one woman, works on another, but if you don't say anything to him, he will just continue what he is doing, making sex not pleasant for you.
One way I can think of how to accomplish this, is to try to do subtle things when with him. You say you enjoy it better when you masturbate than when your boyfriend touches you, which I take it means your boyfriend doesn't stroke, caress, ect the places you enjoy, with the same type of pressure ect. Maybe next time you are with him, guide his hand a little, maybe move your hips so his fingers touch where you like to be touched, or maybe even caress his hands as he touches you and subtly guide him. Moan, gasp, make audible feedback when he does manage to touch you the right way, he should get the hint.
If that doesn't work however...you will have to say something to him and tell him the problem. I realize it is hard for you to talk to your boyfriend about sex, but it is something you may need to do. On that same note, you have to do it in a way that is non-threatening to his feelings so he does not feel as if he is not any good because he doesn't pleasure you. Again, I know it is not easy, but intimacy issues have destroyed many a relationship, and if this is a relationship you truly want to work (which I am under the assumption since you two have been going out for almost a year), then open communication is a must, no matter how hard it may be for you. I do hope this helped in some way, take care.