Congratulations... but as you know and have said, you have to be prepared for some falling back. It is highly unlikely that suddenly everything gets "fixed." But at least you've found some ways to deal with him and it... and you can always remind him of how he felt today, pointing out that nothing has changed as far as you are concerned!

Just keep your expectations realistic, both in terms of how he feels and your relationship... the distance is real and your ages are too!

But at the same time don't stop being happy and don't stop taking care of yourself!

[quote=rainygirl,Sep. 01 2005,13:55][/quote]
[QUOTE=Quote ]hmm but i am afraid if i rederict it to me saying i have feelings too and stuff he will get upset or angry with me ,he will either break it off with me cuz he thinks he's been bad and even more undeserveing of me or try susuiside then i have to spend hours trying to convice him..[/QUOTE]

That's a very real and logical fear, but you MUST balance it with getting your feelings out too. You might try doing it when he is having a "good" day and believing you love him. Don't make it huge, more like a statement of fact... you can even say something like "Well, I know how you feel because when you... I start feeling..." It's about sharing, not about judging.

[QUOTE=Quote ]i have also told him he has to want to not think this way anymore  for him to trust that i love him he just comes back with noone could love him or somthing liek that yea i'v tryed this so i know how it will turn out the whole "tough love" thing. [/QUOTE]

Tough love is TOUGH and you can't back down just because he throws you a curve. Part of the challenge is get him to think instead of feel. For example:

"No one could ever love me."
"You're right, but think about the reason. No one can love you unless you let them."

[QUOTE=Quote ]i'm like working my brain overtime trying to get him to understand and prove this to him... with school coming up soo i'm just dreding having to keep up with him and my work and i swear i'm not giveing up beacuse he just everything to me and love him like crazy!![/QUOTE]

That's a very important paragraph! There are a couple of important things that need to be said about it. First, you will have no value to him if you get dragged down and that happens all too often when people try to be helpful to another. One of the reasons for professional counseling is the counselor doesn't have emotional involvement, stays objective, and doesn't get dragged down. It's interesting that he thinks you are better than the school counselor. It could be that the school counselor is not being as patient as you are... it's also interesting that he doesn't want to discuss the counselor with you... there's some stuff there to think about!

All to often these situations end up being "codependent" and the relationship is then based on the problem(s). An oversimplified explanation of that: He becomes dependent on you to feel good about himself and you come to depend upon helping him as a way to show your love. You need to guard heavily against that and remember that allowing someone to wallow in self-pity is not really loving him or her.

In my first reply I mentioned realities. Another reality is that it sounds like your b/f has some serious personal issues. Yet another reality is that you are totally equipped to help him for a number of reasons. It's wonderful that you are trying and, I think, you are doing an admirable job of it! But do not forget the number one rule of caregiving and counseling.

You have to take the best care of yourself.

So let's hear how you are doing that... how will you make sure you keep up with school work and your own life?

OK rainygirl, first you need to take some nice deep breaths...

The only thing I would add to the advice you've gotten so far is that I think it would be a good idea if his mom knew about the depression and suicidal tendencies (if she doesn't already). I'd be more worried about that than the bully problem.

And you should stay away from anything with caffeine and sugar in it. LOL

Hi Rainygirl,

Whew!  That's a lot for anyone to handle regardless of age.  

First of all, you can't "fix" him.  That's something he's going to have to do for himself.  He has to want to change and believe that he's worth the effort.  He really could use professional help... you don't mention if he is or ever has been in therapy... I'm assuming "counselling" means someone from school.  He needs the impartial view of someone outside his situation.  That CAN'T be you... it's too difficult to be objective with someone you care about.  You can try to convince him to talk to a therapist... even this counsellor might help or at least refer him to someone who can.

As for your feelings about him... I'm sure that they are real.  Love and caring aren't age restricted.  I do hope that you are taking a realistic look at the situation, however.  At 15, you still have maturing to do.  You also have a responsibility to yourself to keep your own life on track.  That means getting a good education and preparing to be able to support yourself.   If you expect this relationship to have any chance then you need to be a whole person before you can be with someone else.

I hope your friend will find the help he needs and that things work out for both of you.  Please keep us posted as to how things are going.

Take care.

What an incredible post! It reveals more maturity than often exhibited by others much older than you!

But we have to deal in realities, and one reality is you are both 15. Another is you live half a world apart.

As one who truly understands online and long distance relationships, I won't try to diminish or discredit your feelings. I know how fully you can love some one, how connected your can feel. And I hear in your post a genuine love for him.

Unfortunately, another reality is that it is just about impossible to change somebody's feelings, particularly when those feelings are depression and low self-esteem. It's important to remember that some people unconciously "enjoy" being depressed. It relieves them of responsbility for their own lives and it gains them attention. I'm not saying he's doing that on purpose, but think about it. Every time he says he doesn't deserve you, you try to make him feel better about himself. In a way, that encourages him to continue to say he doesn't deserve you.

I'm a lot older and I've been there... madly in love with a wonderful woman and thought for a long time she deserved better than me. It's a long story and doesn't matter too much to your story, but there were several ways she helped me see how wrong I was. I now believe that NO one could ever love her more or better than I do!

One was that she just kept loving me, really loving me. It was almost like I was trying to drive her way and she loved me enough and was patient enough not to let me do that. It sounds like you are doing just that, keep it up.

It's unfortunate that he has a low opinion of himself, but you can't change that. All you can do is try to get him to accept your love. The one caution I would make is that you beware of constantly validating his negative feelings. You might have to shake things up once in a while and let him know that you have feelings too! You are allowed to be hurt and angry when he doesn't believe you love him. You might try a little "tough love" with him. He needs to see, for example, that saying he can't make you happy is the same as calling you a liar since you've said he does.

It's also important to separate feelings from behavior. Listening to feelings is certainly good, but in the final analysis people are not "making" him feel the way he does - he's giving their behavior his own interpretation. In a way, he's being very self-centered, another reason I'd encourage you to get your own feelings in the mix too! Don't get caught up in despairing conversations all the time... if he starts getting down on himself, change the subject! Make him talk about you and the minute he starts "you deserve better" point out that he's making it about him again.

It's very important that you accept the limitations of what you can and cannot do with him and for him. One of the easiest mistakes for caring people to make is to assume they can rescue others from themselves. He's got to WANT to feel and think differently. Otherwise you are beating your head against a wall.

There's a lot in your post... and several books could be written in reply. I'm sure this is no where near enough and I'd encourage you to keep posting... and to keep loving him and trying different things. Remember, insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Try some different things with him and see what happens!