:(

ello. I'm a chick, and I'm e-mailing you because I'm concerned with a few things. Anyways, to get to the point, I am extremely sexually frustrated.

To start from the very beginning, my brother kind of molested me, but not really. Borderline molested me I guess I could say. I was playing a game in his room and he asked me to scratch his head, and then he asked if I could massage his back, and then he laid me down and massaged my back, and then he started massaging my ass, and then he told me if I felt uncomfortable to tell him, and then he stuck his hands down my shorts and started going further down graudally, but before he got to my private area, I told him I was tired and got up and left. We never said anything to eachother about it since, and we acted like it never happened. I actually forgot about it until about a year ago, and I'm 17 now, so it was over 6 years ago. It's really disturbing actually.. I don't know.

Anyways, about 7th grade I started getting sexually aroused. I noticed this because there was an older guy (35+ yrs. old) (maybe 40+) that I would see at my mom's job when I went to see her there. (he was really skinny, long black hair, tall, sunken face, and looked starved and dying almost.) and when I would get home, I would lay there and think about him, and it got me horny. I started thinking of these fantasies of him pleasuring me vaginally, and anally, in all sorts of positions, and I would just sit there and think and get myself so horny. I don't know... After a while though it got old. I had a boyfriend in 8th grade, and we got kind of sexual. I was horny thinking about him, but I gave him head and he fingered me, but when it happened, I wasn't horny at all, and I really didn't even get into it.. We tried having sex, but used seram wrap and it didn't really work out too good at all, so, it didn't get that far. Then we broke up. I dated a guy in 9th grade. I got really horny the first night were sexual, but after that night, I rarely got horny. We even tried anal and stuff, but I did not like it at all. We dated for a year and a half, and we broke up. Sometime while I was with him my brother had a friend who was much older than I was that I was aquaintances with. He was nice, and he was like a big brother to me in a way. I would talk to him about all my problems and seek advice because I was really depressed, my dad got sent to jail, and I had no one to talk to. I trusted him, and he seemed to be a good friend. He started making comments about me though, about how I had curves and I looked sexy when he saw me, and kind of perverted. I would tell him to stop and he'd get mad at me for getting mad, and would just get really angry. I still trusted him for some odd reason though, and never thought of him as being a harm to me. One night I told him I had to pick up my backpack from my boyfriend's house and he said he'd take me, but that wasn't where we went. He drove down a dirt road near my house to a wooded area, and stopped his vehicle in the middle of nowhere, and grabbed me, pulled my pants down and pulled me on him, etc................ I had sex with him without my will. After that he took me back home and left. He apologized to me for it a few weeks after that. I never saw him again until he offered to change the break pads on my car (a year ago or so), because him and my brother were still friends, and he heard I needed new break pads. I did tell my brother about what he did, but he called me a liar, and swears that I am a liar. Anyways, he changed my breakpads, and I havent talked to him since. Anyways, when I was 15, a couple months before I turned 16, I met another guy who was 12 years older than me. He looked like he was 18 though, so the age didn't bother me. (Dark hair, dark eyes, looked starved, skinny, etc.) We were friends for 4 months, and the whole time I was infatuated with him. He was a lot similar to my dark fantasy from when I was young, just a younger sexier darker version. The whole time we were friends I was sexually obsessed with him, even though we hadn't had sex. I found out I could orgasm like three months after I knew him, and once that happened I masturbated constantly, fantasizing about us having sex, but I don't recall it was anal or anything like that. I kissed him one night, and we had sex the next night, and then we started seeing eachother. Our sex was okay. His thrusting was good, but he never lasted long, and he never thrusted fast. It was more sensual sex, and I liked it, but I was yearning for more. When I masturbated I started to let my mind wander, and I noticed that if I fantasized about people doing things to me, I would get sooooo freakin' horny it was unbelievable. It started with me thinking about chicks. Like, I would fantasize about chicks like forcing my legs open, and doing things to me when I didn't want them to, but thinking about it made me horny as ****. Then I started thinking about being at a doctors office, but I'd think of my b/f being the doctor doing things to me, that involved mostly anal play, and it's just crazy. I get off to fantasizing about being raped pretty much. But the only time I get off to it is if I am masturbating. If I'm not, I feel sickened with myself. I just feel so dirty and sickened, it makes me want to then kill myself in an utmost gruesome way. I don't understand it, it doesn't make any sense. I feel as though I need help, yet I'm unsure as to what help is there for me. I feel so ****ed up in the head. I feel as if I have a poison gnawing away at my brain, and there is no cure. What should I do? I'm with a new boyfriend now, and his sex is amazing. I get horny if he touches me, but if we are having sex, it's gone, unless I look at him, so I just try to look at him, but then I think he thinks that I'm weird for staring at him when we do it so I stop. I'll glance at him, then look away, then glance back, etc.

Wow. I feel like I have the mind of a rapist pretty much, and it's not too soothing to know that. It gets me angrier and angrier everyday to know that, and my anger problem is getting worse. Objects are breaking on a regular basis, and I'm scaring my family members. My mom thinks I have a cronic drug problem, which I don't, I just don't know how to cope with all this. It makes me want to kill myself.

I don't know.
I need help.

Sorry for that being so long. Do you have any advice to share?

Sincerely,
Me