Hey I'm new here, my name is Marissa. I've been reading your forum for about 2 years and just registered because I need some of the great advice you guys give on here.
I've been married for 3 years and have 2 children with my husband, John. I love him but there's another man I love as well, Matt. I've loved him since before I ever met my husband they are both military and Matt deployed and I met John we got married and then I saw Matt again months later and we still loved each other, I had hoped that it would go away with time but as soon as I saw him it was like he never left. But I stayed with John because I had made a family with him and I loved him. John and I started to have problems and he deployed and I saw Matt more and more. Then John and I agreed to fix things and he returned home. A year went by and now I just saw Matt again and once again its like we were just together yesterday rather than a year ago. We know everything about each other and its dangerously easy to be myself around him. I find myself thinking about what it would be like if I had chose to wait for him. I don't want to leave my husband I do love him very much but its painful just thinking about never speaking to Matt again. I need advice on how to just forget him and let go. I literally think of him everyday. I feel horrible for what I've done to my husband although he doesn't know, I know I sound like a horrid slut but it is possible to be in love with 2 people at once. I want to let go of Matt and make my marriage work for real. I don't want it half way and that's how it is right now because I can't put my whole heart into it when half of it is always with someone else. But I can't seem to let go of him completely, we've tried not talking but we always give in. I need someone to tell me how to stop, just stop and dedicate everything to my husband because I know that's what is right.
Mon, 04/05/2010 - 19:25
#1
I need advice please!
I might be wrong, but you have a family with John...
I don't think you are a slut. You just have a male version of what a mistress would be considered as.
At least you are noticing what you feel is wrong and are choosing very hard to remain faithful to your husband.
You took one great step though.
I'll wait for the replies of others before I offer my opinion, but you are definitely in the right track by knowing what you want.
You're not a slut. Just somewhat confused. Please read the article The Three Systems of Love. What you have done is gotten caught between two of the three systems. This is NOT a major character flaw.
What you do is:
1. LOOK at your husband as he is right here and right now and commit yourself to him - THAT is the man to whom you are bonded and with whom you will reach "Attachment".
2. FOCUS all of your passion on your husband - without reservations.
3. Understand that you actually know very little about your husband - who he is really. By paying close attention, you can learn more.
4. Do small LOVING things to and for your husband. Think of things that might please him - both sexually and romantically. Yes, guys like romance too.
5. Find, read and then do - with your husband - The Program, a sticky post found elsewhere in this forum, three times a week making small changes each session.
All of the above and two kids should be enough to keep you out of trouble.
There is an old country song: It is hard to Be Married to Someone Else When the Right One Comes Along. Others have had your problem and each solves it in her own way. Whichever way you go, the other must be completely out of the picture. The constant reminder will make the struggles harder.
Thank you for your help, I haven't spoken with Matt since I posted this.
Brandye I can't choose Matt because John would never be completely out of my life, we have 2 children together. And I know my husband is what's right for me. This thing with Matt, it's not healthy and I can see that which shows me that there is a way out of this because I already know what I have to do. When I'm with him it feels perfect but that feeling doesn't last forever because he can't stay with me. And when he leaves it feels worse because I know that it's not a together forever kind of love. The way I love him is more like a sickness, I can't seem to cure, it leaves me weak and confused and literally sick when I'm not with him. Actually it is kind of sick how I'm stuck on him, I can even remember the way he smells, I know that sounds strange but really it's different like perfect the way it draws me to him. Gosh, I'm pathetic, I never thought anyone could make me so weak.
Oh and I did read The Three Systems of Love. At least I'm only in love with two people rather than three, I couldn't imagine! I just can't figure out which sort of love it is for who.
You Lust after Matt and are in the gap between Romantic Love and Attachment with John. See? Not all that hard to figure out.
Goodbye, Matt!
Now go do The Program with John.
You could also just be missing the feeling of the excitement and thrill you get from it....like when you first meet someone and you get butterflies in your stomach and get so excited when you know you will see them etc. I get married in 4 weeks and I miss that feeling, I have been with my partner for over 6 years too but I would never cheat!
just look at your childrens and john, think about them, i am sure that you will find a right way. thanks
You put Matt in your past where he belongs... There is no future in the past... and the best way to do that is stop all contact. Whatever has occured between you and your husband must be forgiven and you must make the choice to be as dedicated to him as you would want him to be to you. Do not respond to Matts efforts to contact you and when tempted to contact Matt - ask yourself how you would feel if it were John doing this to you?.
One thing from a military partner's prospective also:
ALWAYS stand by your man. There's enough cheating, lies, and deception on most bases to sink humanity already. What these guys really need is to know that they'll be coming home to someone who loves them and is faithful to them. If it isn't Matt, it'll be someone else. There's no shortage of guys passing through bases, and unless you make the decision right now to remain faithful, you'll eventually fall into a trap. The decision isn't hard, you're scared of the pain. Think of the pain of separating your family, and the pain your kids would go through over something so selfish. Then decide.