My husband has discovered cross dressing and I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I guess I should start with a little about who I am and where my marriage is.
I'm a 43 year old female, I have been married for 22 years, happily I might add and I have 1 child. We have a great sex life and as a extra note I am bi (never alone, yet). We have played with both couples and single guys before and are still trying to find that all elusive single female.
Ok, here's my my dilemma. I'm a little worried about his attraction to cross dressing and his desire to be on the receiving side (if you get my gist). I concerned that this might be the beginning of something I'm not ready to handle. I'm scared this might end up as to much of an attraction to other males. Yes, this might sound silly, but I'm tied in knots here. I don't want anything to happen to our relationship, as in harming it. I'm starting to question his masculine role and have been compensating by being more forceful. I feel a distance growing between us and I'm scared, I'm sure this is more on my side and not his. We usually talk about everything, but I don't know how to approach him with this. I don't want to say “hey it's ok for me, but not for you” kinda thing.
I have tried to be supportive. I have helped him to get 'made up' and brushed his 'new' wig. Maybe it's nothing, maybe it's all in my head. But why do I have this know in my stomach?
Can I look at him the same after this?
Well??? why is it okay for you to pursue the "elusive bi partner" and now that he seems to be feeling out his sexual identity you feel threatened??
[QUOTE=Luvs2plzU;154119]Well??? why is it okay for you to pursue the "elusive bi partner" and now that he seems to be feeling out his sexual identity you feel threatened??[/QUOTE]
I guess I should have added "we". We are looking for the female, not just me. I have never planned on being with a woman alone. I would always include him in everything I do.
[URL=http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1213.html]Here is a really good article on this subject.
Remember that plenty of women "cross dress" as men, wearing pant suits and other man-ish clothing. Do these women somehow turn into lesbians?
Most transvestites fancy girls.
A transvestite told me that: an executive transvestite.
You are forgetting that just because he has gay tendancies doesn't mean he is suddenly GAY fullstop. He may be bisexual, LIKE YOU might I add. However, yes this could be the start of something, but I honestly would say it is just a phase. Don't fret yet, wait a couple of months and see how things progress. It would be wise to talk to him and tell him about how you feel, if it bothers you that much
[QUOTE=mrsexy1234;154190]You are forgetting that just because he has gay tendancies doesn't mean he is suddenly GAY fullstop. He may be bisexual, LIKE YOU might I add. However, yes this could be the start of something, but I honestly would say it is just a phase. Don't fret yet, wait a couple of months and see how things progress. It would be wise to talk to him and tell him about how you feel, if it bothers you that much[/QUOTE]
First, thank you all for your responses. Yes we definaltely have to talk about this, it's just how to start the subject without hurting any feelings. As for me being bi, it was him who opened me up to this. I think I would have lived the rest of my life being very happy with just him and I am thinking of that as an option. Telling him that I would prefer that niether of us pursue our other side anymore if that's what needs to be done.
I know that this is my hangup and not his, so it's really me that needs to work this out in my head.
I don't want to come across as being selfish, cause I'm not, almost everything I have done in our sex life has been for him, what he wanted to do. I just don't know if this is one request I can fill.
I am new to the board and have gone back to read some different posts. This one caught my eye and I wanted to post some thoughts. For a married couple this might help. My thoughts are in a relationship each person is different and they have different needs personally. The only way you can stay bets friends and lovers is to openly talk about issues and find common ground. I'm not sure is this is the right location but it is a fit.
Read this if your significant other is truly a crossdresser and not just sexual play experimentation.
So Basic guideline M stands for MEN and W stands for Wife or Girlfriend
W We have the right to know about our husbands' crossdressing, preferably before marriage, but certainly when our husbands begin to make crossdressing a significant factor in their lives and wish to contact support groups.
M We have the right to expect our spouses to accept that our crossgendered side is an integral part of us that cannot be "cured" or "wished away."
W We have the right to honest and open communication with our husbands, with negotiation and compromise on both sides, particularly in regard to allocation of family resources and in matters pertaining to telling our children. Old patterns of selfishness and deception must cease.
M. We have the right to make available educational literature for our spouses, suggest means by which they can talk with other spouses, suggest couples' counselors who provide a level playing field for both crossdresser and spouse, and otherwise encourage our spouses to educate themselves about crossdressing.
W. We have the right not be be pushed to "accept" things before we have had time to learn enough about them and to begin to get used to them.
M. We have the right to reasonable outlets for our need for crossgender expression, subject to sensible limitations posed by job, family and social considerations.
W. We have the right to our husbands as men, the men we married, men who maintain a positive, healthy masculinity while "exploring their femininity" and seek neither to evade responsibilities nor to appropriate our own feminine roles.
M. We have the right to honest and open communication with our spouses, with negotiation and compromise on both sides, particularly in regard to acceptable outlets for crossgender expression and in matters pertaining to telling our children.
W. We have the right to our husbands' masculine male bodies. Neither partner in a marriage has the right to alter body features without the full knowledge and consent of the other.
M. We have the right to freedom from guilt imposed from without or within.
W. We have the right to support groups for ourselves that promote our own personal growth and well-being, help us understand our husbands' needs, and provide tools for relationship-building.
H. We have the right to belong to support groups that promote our own personal growth and well-being, help us to understand our spouses' needs, and provide tools for relationship-building.
W. We have the right to support groups for our husbands that encourage their feminine development without denigrating healthy masculinity, that welcome us as full members on an equal basis with our husbands, and that fully support relationship commitments.
M. We have the right to support groups for our spouses that encourage mutuality, communication, and renewal of relationships.
W. We have the right not be mocked and demeaned by sexually explicit or otherwise offensive conversation, dress and behavior at group meetings.
M. We have the right to freedom from discrimination in jobs, housing, and public accommodations.
W. We have the right not to be pressured to attend group gatherings at public locations, night clubs, or other places that pose security risks.
M. We have the right to be treated with dignity and respect by our spouses and families, and by society.
W. We have the right to be asked for our permission before our clothes, make-up, jewelry or other personal items are borrowed.
M. We have the right to be asked for our permission before our clothes, makeup, jewelry or personal items are borrowed.
W. We have the right to personal time in which to get in touch with our own femininity, pursue our personal growth and work on creative projects.
M. We have the right to personal time in which to get in touch with our own masculinitiy and femininity, pursue our personal growth, and work on creative projects.
W. We have the right to expect local, regional and national gender organizations and conventions to fully support and promote these rights in their programs and policies.
M. We have the right, and indeed, the responsibility, to contribute positively to our family, community and society while expressing our gender.
Your question was, I believe, how to begin this conversation.
This is going to be difficult for you but you are going to have to review what you believe constitues masculinity and feminity. What your husband is doing is honoring you by trusting you. He is showing you a deeper and hidden facet of his desire. I understand that this might be more than you are ready to accept but think how he must feel. He must be beginning to doubt, to worry - since you say there's a distance between you. Married couples develop a kind of radar between themselves. Here is what I recommend:
First: I recommend that you stop 'being more forceful'. It is unnecessary. He is no less male than he ever was and he remains a human being - one that you love or profess to love. Bear this in mind.
Second: The central issue here is not him or his desires, which are legit, but your readiness. Now it may be that you will never be quite ready to accept his desires. No one can predict when that will happen including you. So, the subject of this discussion is YOUR READINESS.
Third: Begin by stating that while you are ecstatic that he trusts you, you're not quite sure that you're ready for this new situation. Perhaps if he could explain what he enjoys about it, you would understand more easily what it is that attracts him. For some men, it is the feel of the fabrics against the skin; for others, it is the wilder "rule-breaking" side of dominance and submission. The only way to know is to ask.
If you don't understand something he tells you, say so. Ask how he plans to incorporate this new facet into your lifestyle. Listen to him with an open mind and then consider it alone.
Then come back and tell us what you have decided.
[COLOR="Indigo">For some men, it is the feel of the fabrics against the skin; for others, it is the wilder "rule-breaking" side of dominance and submission. The only way to know is to ask.[/COLOR]
I think this is a close statement at least for me. My wife and I have discussed this issue and she made a simple observation. "Male underwear is just not sexy maybe if they made sexy underwear for males it might impact your attitude". With that I gave it much consideration and shopped for some sexy underwear. I located a store that carries a lot of male sexy underwear. I'm not sure about the rules on posting so I am not posting the link. I will tell you they are very reputable. If you want the link send me a private message they also have store fronts in the midwest.
I have to repeat something that you wrote:
[QUOTE]I'm a 43 year old female, I have been married for 22 years, happily I might add and I have 1 child. We have a great sex life and as a extra note I am bi (never alone, yet). We have played with both couples and single guys before and are still trying to find that all elusive single female[/QUOTE]
He could be questioning his his sexual identity, in watching you with another woman. What I am seeing is 22 years of marriage that has reach a level of sexuallity among each of you. Just maybe you both have the same type fear of the next level you both might take. It wouldn't hurt for you both get out of the house, go some place that is common ground, and review the past 22 years. Than ask each other what bothers you both that has happened in the past 22 years. I can understand your dilemma, and bet he just might have a dilemma as well. As you get older Life plays some real funny tricks on us.