My girlfriend (for something like the last 6 months or so) is five years younger than I am, and still under the age of consent. I love her like nothing else, and I really am fine with waiting several years before being she's ready (and legal). I still wonder a few things, though.
The big question, for us, is exactly how close to sex we're comfortable with coming. She's pretty young (relative to me, anyway), and the LAST thing I want to do is mess her up by pushing her into anything she isn't ready for, whether I do it intentionally or not.
I'm a lucky guy, she has a rather strong sex drive, and started experimenting with masturbation at a young age, so she's fairly sexually open. We're comfortable talking about sex, which I'm quite thankful for.
The crux of the matter is this: Our sex drives might tend to lead us into things that might be enjoyable and not feel at all wrong at the time, particularly oral sex (me on her, I don't have much interest in receiving), fingering, and phone sex (we live a ways apart), but might seem like maybe not such a great idea in the cold light of the next day, particularly in view of her age. We also fear that such lust-driven behavior might overshadow and impair the purely emotional dimension of our relationship, which we value dearly.
Essentially, I don't want anything that will make her feel guilty afterwards.
So, my question is this: How can we know when we're ready for things that aren't quite as potentially hazardous or life-altering as vaginal sex, but still definitely qualify as sexual activity? Is there, in the opinions of the more experienced board members, any ABSOLUTE minimum age (in your ethical/moral opinion, NOT in terms of legality) at which it's ok to engage in such activities with someone you love? And, of course, any other answers to questions I haven't thought to ask, from the board's experienced members...
Thanks!
~Gyre
In my opinion, calendar age means nothing. It is entirely a matter of physical and emotional maturity. I've known 14 year olds that can make sound, rational decisions about sex, and I've known 30 year olds that couldn't make a sound decision to save their ass, so I sure wouldn't trust them to be having sex.
I personally don't have an "age" in mind as a minimum, though I suspect you'd be hard pressed to find someone who's younger than 14 that can make those kinds of decisions intelligently. Oddly enough, 14 is the age of consent for girls in South Carolina.
She is presently 14, will turn 15 in a few months. She's said she's definitely not ready for oral sex or fingering (although she likes the idea alot) until she's 15, at the very least. Obviously, I don't take that to mean that she'll be ready as soon as she's 15.
She's rather mature for her age, in many ways, but I'm still very cautious. I worry both that she might feel ready one day, and then hate herself the next day, and that her rational desire to restrain herself might prevent her from experiencing things that she'd really enjoy.
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The thing is, I'm obviously hoping that she WILL be ready for receiving oral sex / fingering someday, I'm just trying to balance the desire to have an opportunity to pleasure her against the desire to keep those urges from damaging our relationship and her psyche.
Well, it is good that y'all are discussing it, and it is good that you are being cautious.
One of the sure signs of maturity is the ability to control your impulses, so let that guide you as you move forward and find yourself in positions where your hormones may be getting the best of you.
By continuning the conversations about sex across time, you should be able to get a feel for how comfortable she truly is about doing things, and this might give you clues as to whether or not she's making sound decisions. It sounds like you're (at a minimum) trying to be in tune with her on this, and that's great. Keep it up.
In all honesty, this is only a decision she can make for herself. She has to be knowlegeable about her body, about birth control, and about the potential consequences. Emotional maturity evolves at various ages, and I agree with the above poster that some 30 y/o have worse decision making skills then a few 14 y/o's. I was 14 (he was 16), had no clue what I was doing but I also do not regret it, I was in love, I am 41. Let her do some research and find out information.
I cannot harp enough on the one issue; legal age. If you are the age of majority and you get caught, the trend is to prosecute these days with such an emphasis on sex crimes. If you love her, do not do it in the heat of passion, give it alot of forethought. If you & she are planning on heading in that direction get her to see a Gyn or to Planned Parenthood.
I also believe the age gap between you is a factor as well. If you are 21 and she is 14 sorry, that's a bad thought. If it's a year or two, different story. But jail bait is called this for a reason. Why do I harp on this one? It happened years back to two people I knew, they had been dating as a couple for a while. Her mom caught them & pressed charges. He spent some time in the County Jail.
One point peaked my interest, you asked for advice but did not add your ages.
[QUOTE=sera300;174173]I cannot harp enough on the one issue; legal age. If you are the age of majority and you get caught, the trend is to prosecute these days with such an emphasis on sex crimes. [/quote]
That's a good point. You end up branded a "sex offender" for the rest fo your life, show up on offender registries, can't live within XXX feet of schools, playgrounds, etc., all for having consensual sex. That's ****ing reatrded of course, but it's the way these knee-jerk politicians are working these days.
[QUOTE]One point peaked my interest, you asked for advice but did not add your ages.[/QUOTE]
He said she was 5 years younger than he is, so that'd make him about 19.
That's correct. One point I might not have made clear: We are both agreed on waiting until she is 18 *at the very least* before having vaginal sex.
The question is of oral/manual sex.
As you said, Sera, it's a decision only she can make, the trouble for ME is knowing when she has TRULY made it, because I fear she might, in the heat of the moment, believe that she is ready, but hate herself afterwards.
While I wrote the first post, the others popped up...so I did not see subsequent posts.
If you are 19 and she is 14, skip the thoughts for awhile. Sorry, I cannot see anyway to justify it. Too much of an age gap, you'll wind up on the lowest end of classified sex offenders lists, that sticks with you for life.
Well, that brings me to another question:
How do I/we know where the boundary is, for things that are/aren't 'OK' between a 19 year old guy and a 14 year old girl?
My first impulse was to take the law as my guide, but the statute in the state in question is in my opinion overly broad, prohibiting even such things as touching of clothing over breasts/buttocks/thighs. I don't know if some parts of that statute are unenforced.
Anyway, how DO I know how far is too far?
Kissing and holding hands is fine. Sexual contact is just that, sexual contact. Keep yourself safe, if she loves you she will understand about the issues which you can be faced with. If she is emotionally mature she also needs to respect your position.
See my sticky under Sexual Health: Women entitled Am I Ready.
I disagree that most 14 year old can make a rational decision regarding their newly emerging sexuality. I did at 15 and it was too soon. Many 14 year old women can handle the physical aspects of sex but the emotional aspects are an entirely different matter. Spending your teen aged years sweating out your period every month is more than most young teens can handle without paying a dear price in other aspects of your life.
Again, I wish to emphasize that I am NOT talking about vaginal sex. My girlfriend and I are firmly agreed on that. Barring a TOTAL failure of self on control on both our parts, that is not in the cards.
The core of my question has to do rather with activities that result in sexual release, without the potential medical/social/economic complications of vaginal sex (i.e. pregnancy).
So, in essence, it's an entirely psychological question: Could she suffer psychological injury as a result of, for example, receiving oral sex?
Thanks for your responses... Although I'm not sure why so many of you seem to think I'm talking about vaginal sex.
Ok, well, some good points and informed opinions here... I guess (much as I kinda wish otherwise! Heh... I DO have a sex drive, after all...) what most of you are saying jibes with what I already knew was true.
Ah, well, anticipation will make it all the sweeter. Maybe when she passes the age of consent she and I will revisit the idea of fingering/cunnilingus.
Thanks for your input, guys and gals.