Two years minimum but others have their own time scales based upon what they consider to be most important in a spouse.

However, you can become engaged at 6 months and then set the date for further out, I suppose.

You haven't even had sex yet...

Why on earth would you consider marraige if you haven't even had sex. Communication is awesome. But no amount of talking will satisfy your physical desires.

Perhaps see how compatible you are sexually before you think about getting married.

That's fine, just make sure any sex is PROTECTED sex.

Condomania sells them online.

Thank you, I try to be.

Until you are absolutely sure you and your partner are suitable, however, it is best to be FORMAL but FRIENDLY toward the child/children for their own sakes. After afianced (or alternative) then one gets the privledge of being involved. - mutual protection since once involved, I'd find it impossible to let go again.

I suddenly got the wissle from the movie "Stepfather" in my head. That's a wrong association, LOL! :rolleyes:

I agree with you, Int. Personally; I like it when people make you part of the family. My bf's mom has invited me to every familyparty ever since the first time I met her (which included a heartily welcome to the family :)). When he was ill, she even insisted I'd come alone, cause I am just as much part. She couldn't have said a more kind thing to me! And when I first met his aunt, who had been so curious about me, she immediately introduced me to others as her new niece-in-law (a word she instantly made up, not to mention there's nothing "in-law" about it, since we're not married, but I thought it was a really cute thing to say :)).

I can only speak hypothetically, but if I was alone and had a child and fell in love with a man, I'd consider the relationship without future if he didn't take interest in my son/daughter. Quite possibly; even be offended if he'd distance himself from my kid, since how can he ignore someone who's such an important part of my life? But that's just me ;)

True, Int - but there's something to be said about those who want the mother but will distance themselves from her child/children.

I find myself unable to turn my back on a child - even if not mine.

Precisely my point, EEK. I think some of it has to do with the mental/emotional "place" in which a person sits regarding children. Some of THAT derives from maturity level, but some is simply that people don't picture themselves with kids. The movie "Stepmom" comes to mind.

Some of it also has to do with the family culture in which one is raised. When that BIL and his wife got married, Grandma and Papa wanted me in the family photos. We still lived in different cities, it would be a year and a half before we were even engaged. But I was in the family photos at her oldest son's wedding. I joked that I should stand on the outside so she could cut me out if it didn't work between T and I, and her reply was that if it didn't work she'd have to decide which of us to cut out.

Some people claim everybody that's even remotely in the picture. Others have difficulty finding it within them to claim hardly anyone. I find life fuller, richer, and much more fun by leaning toward the former.

Having said all of that, there are some parents who will keep the partner distanced from the child until a certain point, out of a child-protective instinct. But I think it's a little dangerous to keep that distance so long that the adults' hearts are adamantly set on each other.

I can't unequivocally agree with 'wait until the kids are grown' either, but I definitely agree with 'give it more time than you have'.

Having said that:

Anyone can be a sperm- or egg-donor. Being Mom or Dad takes a very special person. There's a Brad Paisley song called "The Dad He Didn't Have to Be" that I think sums it up nicely.

The blending of families gets more and more common every day. My brother-in-law and his wife have two daughters. Only one is biologically his, the other is his wife's from a previous situation. On the one hand, she was 3 when we all met her (she's 5 now), she has regular visitation with her biological dad, and she calls my BIL by his given first name. On the other, none of that makes her any less T's (and my) niece, or my parents-in-law's granddaughter. She calls them Grandma ___ and Papa ___, my husband Uncle T, and ever since our engagement she has called me Aunt L. Granted, some of that is because she has been brought up to call people in such relationships by those titles, but the point remains. I can count on one hand the number of times I've heard the word 'step' uttered. It is only by a chromosomal technicality that she is not 'ours'. Just as "my" niece and nephew are no less T's.

And then you have people who take the tack that sexybabexx does.

Moral of the story: it depends on the people involved. You make your relationship with that child what you, she, and her mother collectively want it to be.

Hold off on the engagement until both of you have gone thru the flu with each other--according to Dr. Phil. Dating for two months and proposing at six months is rushing it greatly. I trust that the two of you are anticipating spending the rest of your lives with each other--several decades, and you want to rush into a commitment without really knowing the other person. If so, love is truly blind.

Devote the next year, minimum getting to know each other in all sorts of situations and watch each others reactions to stress, joy, disappointment, etc. I would also not propose until the two of you talk about finances, then begin setting aside money and eventually establishing a joint savings account. Do some pre-planning before just assuming all will work out in the end.

> and have a kid of my own and not have to put up with some other guys kid.

Oh, this is so narrow minded and short sighted. I suppose you would not adopt a child for this reason.... Your statement also presumes that you believe the step child to be has somehow been damaged by her father. Maybe yes, maybe no, but you just cannot make blanket assumptions.

Here's the deal on being a "daddy". Being a father is not so much biological as it is a responsibility. A man may not be the biological parent, however, if he steps up to the plate and takes on the role of a father--then for all practical purposes, he is, adopted, step, other.

As for responsibilities as such, if the child is older than five then really all you can do for discipline is to back up the child's mother. You cannot be the primary or secondary disciplinarian. If there is something to be corrected, take the matter up with the mother and then support her corrective actions.

If a man is dating a woman with minor child(ren) the best approach is not to marry the woman until the children are out of the house. Because this does not often happen, then step up to the plate and be a positive influence in the lives the the woman's children. This means that if the bio dad is in the picture, that you must also be a tri-parent and go along with their decisions and discipline. This does not mean that you cannot or should not give input, of course you should, but as stated, above, you are not to be the main or co-disciplinarian with older children who have not bonded with you.

> Is there any ways I can get involved her daughters life (she is 4) without adopting her as my own?

This is a touchy and problematical situation. Ideally, if you are dating a woman with one or more children, you should not be involved in their lives until the decision has been made to marry. Why? This is particularly important if the relationship should fail and/or there is a revolving door of men coming in and out of a child's life.

If mother wants you to become involved in a child's life, then have a positive influence and become involved in the child's life as much as possible; however, be prepared for damage control measures if the relationship with the mother fails. If it does then what? Children have real emotions and dependencies, also. You can begin to understand the touchiness of your proposed position with the ex-boyfriend in the picture. Will he continue to be an active participant in the child's life, or, will he eventually drop by the wayside.

You need time for all these matters to be sorted out and six months simply is not enough time. Consider waiting fourteen years!

Dear sprtskhne33,
I'd at least would like to say that I find it beautiful about how caring for her daughter is so important to you. I agree with what the doc says about being careful and letting her mother take the lead. Talk about these things with her and keep communicating along the way. But from all the women I know that started dating again while having kids, they were in 7th heaven when he appeared to take true interest in her children. Children are such an important and interwoven part of a parent's life. So I figure this may very well be important to your woman too.

I don't think I'd agree with not marrying someone until the kids are out of the house. There's nothing more fruitful for a child than to have happy parents that care for him/her.

I do agree with being really cautious. Take your time (lots of it!) to really get to know this woman from every angle and in every way. Be sure you're on the same page. For the sake of her daughter, for her sake, but also for your own. I know a guy who after years still feels guilty towards the kids that his relationship fell apart with their mom; they had become his family, even though not his own.

You should wait at least 2-3 years before asking. You should also make sure to ask her father before you make that kind of life changing decision. Also if you don't adopt the kid, than you'll just be the step dad if you get married. If I were you, I'd was till I was 25 to get married and have a kid of my own and not have to put up with some other guys kid.