well i have been with my hubby for 10 years, but only married since august.

I can't open up to him and tell him what i like, not that i am embarrassed or anything.

I just don't know why *sigh*

yet i am a girl who gets on well with males and i can open up to my male friends.....they prolly know more than him.

arghhh whats wrong with me :confused:

I'm glad you are trying to communicate with her about this! I think it is very common that people in relationships - especially women - are uncomfortable talking about sex. Often, I think it's because of the way that society raises women to think that thinking about sex is a little bit shameful, or that women just exist sexualy to satisfy a man's needs rather than to fulfill their own. She is probably a little bit embarrassed about her desires or doesn't want to sound selfish by telling you what she wants.

I think you need to make it clear to her that you WANT to hear her desires, and that it would be a favor to you if she could open up. That puts a different frame around it - she's not being selfish, she's actually pleasing you by telling you what will please her. Once she understands that it's something that YOU want, I think she might be willing to tell you more. ;)

Another thing to remember is that it is best to approach her when you are both relaxed and have some time for a discussion, but NOT when you are gearing up to sex or in the bedroom. Don't accuse her of not being able to communicate, just say something along the lines of "Honey, I'd love it if you would tell me some of your fantasies," or "Is there anything that you want to try in the bedroom?" If she says that she doesn't want to talk about it, just let her know how much you want to be able to please her. Tell her how much you want to hear what she has to say about sex, and how you can best please her. Once she does open up, I think she'll be so happy about the rewards of good communication (you'll know just what she likes) that she will be willing to keep doing it.

Email or text message her about all this and let her respond in print. She may be more comfortable opening up in this way--and, you have it all in print!

She is embarassed. She thinks you'll think less of her if she opens up and tells you. She fears she'll lose you if she tells you. She may even fears that you'll regard her as a slut pervert or as being totally debauched if she tells you.
SO
Step by step, you tell her one of yours - ALL of it including why what when where and how - everything - all of the details including how you imagine it would feel -then ask what she thinks of you. Watch to see if she exhibits signs of interest or arousal. If she does take it from there by asking if she'd like to share said fantasy with you. If not explore why not.

If she cannot open up face to face with you, the begin by sending her an email of your fantasy and ask her to add her fantasy into it. If her response is very brief, start asking her open ened questions where she has to respond back to you with specifics. Then when you are together begin incorporating what she wrote you...ask her is this what you you meant when you said---? And encourage her to say more...

Text messages? Talk with her face to face! The nonverbal communication is lost when you don't just sit down and discuss things! "Really honey would you" doesn't sound like you're getting any closer and texting just gives her more room to weasel out.

[QUOTE=cp3515;161514]Well i sent her text messages telling her i love 69ing with her and i would do anything for her and anything with her everything to let her take her dildo and doing me with it since she always mentions that stuff and i just opened up alot of ideas i'd like to do and she still has not responded the only thing she said was REALLY HONEY WOULD U ! so i don't know what else to do[/QUOTE]

I'm just imagining her coworker asking if she can borrow her phone to make a quick call.

Instant comedy!

I have experienced a very similar situation, one that has not (but for brief periods) changed much over a number of years. it would appear that in my case, the very conservative up bringing of my wife has resulted in a number of partially supressed fantasies.

Something that did work (albeit some time back) was similar to that mentioned by sera300, what I did was start a "story/fanatsy" by e-mail, sayning just so much and allowing her to continue. It started slow but she seemed to open up to it and get more adventurous. (be careful of starting it in a "limited" setting....i did it as a weekend away, the trip, on route stops etc)

What I then did was fairly soon thereafter i attempted to relive the "co-written" story, or atleast as close as possible. I can confess, it was one of the best weekends of sex I have EVER experienced!!

Evilevilkitten does however have a point regarding face to face communication, there is no alternative for open and honest communication.....problem is that some of us are not afforded that luxury/honour!

Face to face, open and honest communication is really not an "afforded luxury or honour"...it is a NORMAL thing ....and should take precidence over anything if a couple "want" to be truthful with each other...you can make a zillion excuses not to properly communicate...kids make me tired, work makes me tired, I'm too busy, she's too busy, the kids need to be here or there...all this is avoidance..and really comes down to ...who's in charge of you?? couples frequently avoid( the easiest thing to do) issues and sweep them under the rug...until one day there is an elephant sized lump under that rug..and someone will come in and say...what's that big lump under your rug?? and the same couple will just say..."what lump"???...couples need to seriously MAKE TIME to communicate..:)

Open and honest communication is great...if both can actually do it. When it came to sexual fantasy; if mine were a bit off the wall I had a hard time discussing them when I was married. After some serious thought, it was b/c it was due to my upbringing...hyper-Catholic. Any deviation from the norm was considered wrong...now good/bad or indifferent this did inhibit me. What helped was sitting and writing my thoughts out to my husband via e-mail. Once we got through the barrier, not much was difficult to speak about. I began to really look around and see as a society how stiffled we are discussing sexually. I watched at work, I am a nurse, and if a patient had a question healthcare practitioners avioded answering questions and avoided initiating open conversations with patients--lack of time and embarrasement. I turned their lack of sexual communication, into a mission, if a patient had a question I made a point to go and talk to the patient. If I saw a 14 y/o with STD/Preg. issues I made it a point to go in and openly discuss topics & counsel. I found what people really know about sexuality is relatively little and will only get better through education. My point; I think everyone who posts in this forum, has great ease in discussion (sex and non-sex) and at times takes that for granted!

[QUOTE=sera300;161693]Open and honest communication is great...if both can actually do it. ![/QUOTE]

This what I'm trying to get at...if a couple cannot do the above..they need professional help...you cannot honestly go thru life not being 100% open and truthful with a partner...or maybe people just enjoy faking their feelings and actions ?? :)

Luvs2plzU:

I agree with you. In my opinion, many people start on the boards looking for a way to initiate the communication, they are looking for techniques to facilitate communication and answers. Perhaps it's a lack of communication in one area of their life and suggestions will work to solve the issue. If communication does not change, professional help can get to the deep rooted problems.

As far as faking their feelings & actions, I don't believe people enjoy it but rather it is more "comfortable" to stay silent. To take it to an extreme; I remember when my ex was having an affair (he did not admit to it and I was not 100% certain yet). Early on it was more "comfortable" to ignore my feelings, not bring it up, just to alleviate the pain which would follow through knowing the answer.

Through the school of hard knocks, years later, I say what I need to in relationships regardless of embarrassment/pain/etc. Sometimes it just takes the proper techniques to open the windows for communication.

[QUOTE=snow;161747]well i have been with my hubby for 10 years, but only married since august.

I can't open up to him and tell him what i like, not that i am embarrassed or anything.

I just don't know why *sigh*

yet i am a girl who gets on well with males and i can open up to my male friends.....they prolly know more than him.

arghhh whats wrong with me :confused:[/QUOTE]

Ummm, did you marry the wrong guy?

The only reason for NOT talking is fear. What are you so afraid of? Think he'll love you less for being open and honest about your feelings? Why would he do that? Is he a coward? Is he a wimp? Come on, stop selling him short like that!! JUST TALK TO HIM!

[QUOTE=ua322;161775]Ummm, did you marry the wrong guy?[/QUOTE]

think its because all he thinks about is sex..............24 hours a day.

i can ring him at work and the first thing he says is "are you up for anything tonight?" the thing is its prolly 10 in the morning and how do i know wat i am going to feel like that night? *sigh*

We have three kids and i work full time, but he doesn't understand that i am quite tired most nights *blush*

Tell him you're tired then and have him pitch in and help you out. Hire a housecleaning service. Whatever it takes.

"think its because all he thinks about is sex..............24 hours a day.

i can ring him at work and the first thing he says is "are you up for anything tonight?" the thing is its prolly 10 in the morning and how do i know wat i am going to feel like that night? *sigh*

We have three kids and i work full time, but he doesn't understand that i am quite tired most nights *blush*"

It is not necessarily that sex is all he is thinking about, but it beccoming an issue because he feels that you are constantly rejecting him. Believe me, I know (that why I'm here). My wife is also "too tired" most nights. This brings up the whole other discussion on why it's easier to talk to people on message boards than one's own spouse.

In any case, he probably brings it up a lot because he is approaching this like trying to get laid when you are single. If you are at a bar, it's a numbers game. The more people you hit on, the more likely you are to go home wiht someone at the end of the night. It is clearly counter-productive in this case, but we keep trying anyway.

Please try to see it from his side. It has probably never happened, but how would you feel if you tried to initiate sex and he kept turning you down?

I have found no matter how tired I am...if I put some extra effort forward I go beyond the fatigue and perk up...it just takes some stimulation and leaving the lights on! It's always well worth it although it may be the last thing on my mind at the time!!!

[QUOTE=sera300;162634]I have found no matter how tired I am...if I put some extra effort forward I go beyond the fatigue and perk up...it just takes some stimulation and leaving the lights on! It's always well worth it although it may be the last thing on my mind at the time!!![/QUOTE]

Yeah, that's the way that those of us with a sex drive operate. Those without, however, are a different story.

Again Ua322...I cannot understand anyone wanting to settle for having no sex drive. If you had one before you were married, don't men/women wonder where it went? Don't they remember how great is was and want it back? I would search the ends of the earth to find help if mine disappeared.

Maybe libido issues have more to do with people who have no need for physical intimacy with other humans...maybe they lack certain receptors in their brain for the oxytocin which is released?

[QUOTE=sera300;162642]Maybe libido issues have more to do with people who have no need for physical intimacy with other humans...maybe they lack certain receptors in their brain for the oxytocin which is released?[/QUOTE]

You're onto something here. Some people have a desperate NEED for it to the point that it causes them a lifetime of trouble by marrying the wrong person for the wrong reason (i.e. great sex). I could name 20 people off the top of my head who are in combative marriages right now because their main focus early on was the sexual chemistry. This same need can often result in them cheating on their spouse.

Others have no need for it at all, thus resulting in the problems detailed in numerous threads on this board.

Not everyone has a good balance.

Bottom line, sex when you're tired is like brushing your teeth before bed, you may not want to do it, but you always feel better about it after you do...