Hey everyone. My boyfriend and I just recently started with a sexual relationship. I used to be a religious person, a Catholic. Well, now I often feel guilt about it. How do I get rid of this guilty feeling without doing something religious like going to confession (which I could only validly do if I never intended to have sex with him again and I do intend to have sex with him again)? I am no longer a conservative and religious person but am more of a liberal person now and while my mind tells me there is nothing wrong with it, my heart does. How can I get rid of this feeling of guilt that I have all the time? :confused:
Sat, 07/24/2010 - 23:38
#1
How to get rid of the guilt I feel about my boyfriend and I's sexual relationship?
Dear Spicygirl,
I'm not religious, so I probably don't know how that feels like. But I do know the feeling of guilt. What helps me is a form of meditation called mindfulness. Google terms such as 'mindfulness' and 'bodyscan' and you will probably find courses to follow and cd's that will guide you at home. To give you a feel of what it's like I'll describe it here:
[INDENT]You start by sitting or lying down and breathing in and out a few times. Close your eyes. Than you ask yourself: how do I feel? You answer this truthfully. Than breath out and let go. Start focussing on your breathing to first clear your mind from thoughts. Do not change the way you breath, just breath and focus on that. Whenever a thought comes up you return to your breathing. You may even count your breaths if this helps focusing. After you've reached a sense calm (about 10 minutes later), focus on what your body feels like. Scan your body, starting at your little toe and moving upwards. Pay attention to each area, observe what it feels like. This will take you 10-20 minutes, depending on how much time you need to really 'feel' it. After you've scanned your entire body, you will return to your breathing. Now let go of all focus. Just let thoughts flow through your head. Every time one comes up. You look at it, without judging. You pick it up and blow it away. You may take as much time you need and stop it whenever you feel like it. Whenever you stop, go back to the calm of your breathing. End with about 10 minutes of focusing on your breathing. Than open your eyes and ask again: how am I feeling? Do I feel different? What have I observed that strikes me as important? Let go with 3 times breathing out.[/INDENT]
Sessions like this can be very emotional. But it learns you how to really focus without thinking and to really pay attention on what your body feels like. You may feel how parts of your body start feeling more warm as you pay attention to it. Maybe you will find how happy your body actually is about your sexual relationship, how loved it feels. It also learns you to focus on and organize your thoughts. Maybe you will find a certain thought that is constantly trying to bring itself to the stage. Important thing is that you should look at it without judging yourself. Even when you're not able to keep focus. Be forgiving. Cause exactly that is the third and most important thing you learn through these sessions: to be mild, forgiving and loving towards yourself. It learns you how to let go.
Guilt is like a bag full of bricks that you take upon your shoulder each day. Let it go. You may keep them. You may even sit next to them, look at them, touch them. But let them be there on the ground and not upon your shoulders.
I wish you luck and I wish you love!
Yes! there is by coming to terms with your new set of convictions sooner than later.
[QUOTE=Brandye;257422]Time and experience will either overcome the guilt or send you back to your religious roots. I shall wager on the former.[/QUOTE]
Oh okay. Thanks Brandye. So there is nothing I can do to speed up the process?
Time and experience will either overcome the guilt or send you back to your religious roots. I shall wager on the former.
You feel guilty because of all the junk Catholicism has stuffed into your head about sex and relationships - and it is about time you realised that almost NONE of it is true.
1. Sex is NOT sacred. The relationship between persons may be but not the sex itself. Face it, even plants have sex.
2. You do NOT give away bits of yourself during sex. Pfft, please. If that were true then I'd weigh 5,6 ounces by now.
3. Sex is NOT debasing. How can a glorious conflagration of souls joyously reaffirming life itself ever be debasing?
So why did the Church do this to you? To maintain control over you, of course. They wanted you to be shy and timid and so they twisted your sexuality into what they wanted it to be and then taught you to 'buy into' it. Hence the guilt. A most effective weapon as you have discovered. So now they have you feeling bad about sex almost as effectively as if they had literally cut off your clitoris.
Instead of feeling guilty - get angry. Discover, accept and then embrace your sexuality and never ever look back.
Sex is good and good for you, but you have to be adult about it and responsible. Use birth control and condoms. Select your men properly. Keep your sex life private. There is no need to confess bringing joy and light into the world and you can make friends between the sheets just as well as anywhere else. Change your mindset and you will change your life - for the better.
[QUOTE=dancingdoc2;257444]Yes! there is by coming to terms with your new set of convictions sooner than later.[/QUOTE]
Thanks Dancingdoc! I am honestly trying to come to terms with my new set of convictions but I am having a very hard time doing that. :(
[QUOTE=RedRoses;257447]Dear Spicygirl,
I'm not religious, so I probably don't know how that feels like. But I do know the feeling of guilt. What helps me is a form of meditation called mindfulness. Google terms such as 'mindfulness' and 'bodyscan' and you will probably find courses to follow and cd's that will guide you at home. To give you a feel of what it's like I'll describe it here:
[INDENT]You start by sitting or lying down and breathing in and out a few times. Close your eyes. Than you ask yourself: how do I feel? You answer this truthfully. Than breath out and let go. Start focussing on your breathing to first clear your mind from thoughts. Do not change the way you breath, just breath and focus on that. Whenever a thought comes up you return to your breathing. You may even count your breaths if this helps focusing. After you've reached a sense calm (about 10 minutes later), focus on what your body feels like. Scan your body, starting at your little toe and moving upwards. Pay attention to each area, observe what it feels like. This will take you 10-20 minutes, depending on how much time you need to really 'feel' it. After you've scanned your entire body, you will return to your breathing. Now let go of all focus. Just let thoughts flow through your head. Every time one comes up. You look at it, without judging. You pick it up and blow it away. You may take as much time you need and stop it whenever you feel like it. Whenever you stop, go back to the calm of your breathing. End with about 10 minutes of focusing on your breathing. Than open your eyes and ask again: how am I feeling? Do I feel different? What have I observed that strikes me as important? Let go with 3 times breathing out.[/INDENT]Sessions like this can be very emotional. But it learns you how to really focus without thinking and to really pay attention on what your body feels like. You may feel how parts of your body start feeling more warm as you pay attention to it. Maybe you will find how happy your body actually is about your sexual relationship, how loved it feels. It also learns you to focus on and organize your thoughts. Maybe you will find a certain thought that is constantly trying to bring itself to the stage. Important thing is that you should look at it without judging yourself. Even when you're not able to keep focus. Be forgiving. Cause exactly that is the third and most important thing you learn through these sessions: to be mild, forgiving and loving towards yourself. It learns you how to let go.
Guilt is like a bag full of bricks that you take upon your shoulder each day. Let it go. You may keep them. You may even sit next to them, look at them, touch them. But let them be there on the ground and not upon your shoulders.
I wish you luck and I wish you love![/QUOTE]
Thanks RedRoses! I will try this form of meditation sometime soon! :)
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;257473]You feel guilty because of all the junk Catholicism has stuffed into your head about sex and relationships - and it is about time you realised that almost NONE of it is true.
1. Sex is NOT sacred. The relationship between persons may be but not the sex itself. Face it, even plants have sex.
2. You do NOT give away bits of yourself during sex. Pfft, please. If that were true then I'd weigh 5,6 ounces by now.
3. Sex is NOT debasing. How can a glorious conflagration of souls joyously reaffirming life itself ever be debasing?
So why did the Church do this to you? To maintain control over you, of course. They wanted you to be shy and timid and so they twisted your sexuality into what they wanted it to be and then taught you to 'buy into' it. Hence the guilt. A most effective weapon as you have discovered. So now they have you feeling bad about sex almost as effectively as if they had literally cut off your clitoris.
Instead of feeling guilty - get angry. Discover, accept and then embrace your sexuality and never ever look back.
Sex is good and good for you, but you have to be adult about it and responsible. Use birth control and condoms. Select your men properly. Keep your sex life private. There is no need to confess bringing joy and light into the world and you can make friends between the sheets just as well as anywhere else. Change your mindset and you will change your life - for the better.[/QUOTE]
I agree with you that sex is good and good for you EvilEvilKitten. I also agree that sex is not sacred. If sex is so sacred then why do even animals and plants do it? I agree as well that we do not give bits and pieces of ourselves away during sex. And finally, I definitely agree that sex is not debasing. I don't see how the joyous union of two partners could possibly be seen as debasing. I see it as a fun, intimate, and romantic part of a relationship which helps to enhance the relationship.
Anyway, thanks for the advice! I will be trying harder. :)