I'm just recently married, everything in the relationship is fantastic except the sex. I feel this is due to my wife being far more experienced sexually than I and used to perfect 10 bodied, sexual men, and my lack of confidence from knowing this (I wish I'd never seen their pictures). I've posted the message in this forum as I feel new to sex with her and feel the same advice might apply.
Unfortunately I got too cosy in my younger years in my first relationship with a girl who wanted to wait for marriage. I was a late bloomer sexually, as somehow I tolerated this for 5 years before the relationship petered out. Next 5 year relationship, very sexy, attractive partner, sex probably fortnightly on average throughout mainly because I just didn't have the drive I have now. Now I'm married to my second sexual partner, and we both crave sex, but I just feel out of her league sexually. She's even said things like "look, it doesn't matter to me", but I know it does. Now I've noticed premature ejaculation creeping in, purely brought on from the anxiety and fear of orgasming too quickly.
My wife tells me it's not a technique thing at all, it's purely that confidence you get from having a multitude of partners that I didn't have. We have fantastic sex when we've had a few glasses of wine because my inhibitions disappear, but I don't want to drink anywhere near as much as we want sex. Without wine, there have been fantastic times and she's been phased and told me that I just took her places she never been, even tears, but those times are 1 out of 20. She even suggested I go to a prostitute to experience different women, but the thought revolted me, they're of course super-experienced, and get paid to look satisfied, whereas I feel I need sincere satisfaction and to be the dominant one.
I also feel I present myself physically as best I can and I feel attactive - I don't think I can improve myself physically without tanning (I freckle more than tan). It's just that I'm probably a 7 or an 8, but she's a 10 and used to 10's. I rarely feel that she is physically attracted to me and she's not a person to lie and pretend she is. One might say I should have married a 7 or an 8 instead, but we're sole mates apart from this and glimpses of mutual sexual bliss with her tell me it's possible.
Any suggestions?
The only thing I can think of that might help is working through the problem with some inexperienced women, maybe who also need some sexual confidence, where I'm now the experienced one. Even though that might be a win-win situation, I feel it would be impossible to find women who aren't just after sex (and probably experienced), or who aren't after a relationship. I've also thought of sex therapy, but feel it's practice, not theory what I need and even if the therapist was practical, it's just too far removed from reality. Maybe there's a therapist who matches up their clients for this purpose?
I'm also a guy who would never cheat on my wife and despite her suggestion of seeing a prostitute, I could only be with another woman knowing it was for the good of our relationship. I am a little scared that maybe gaining confidence make might make me less faithful in future.
Solvable do you think?
Jonty
> everything in the relationship is fantastic except the sex. I feel this is due to my wife being far more experienced sexually than I and used to perfect 10 bodied, sexual men, and my lack of confidence from knowing this (I wish I'd never seen their pictures).
In my never to be so humble opinion, your thinking is flawed. Let me pick your logic apart. First of all, Jonty, she chose you and your body above all other contenders for her heart. That she did speaks volumes about your character and your characteristics. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," and, she "be holdin'" you! Yes? When you accept this then your confidence should receive a big boost.**
Secondly, it has been said that with successful relationships, sex is only 10% of the reason; yet with problem relationships, sex is 90% of the cause. It sounds to me that overall you two are doing just fine. Now, let's address the apparent matter of your self- confidence and -esteem.
** So you saw pictures of some guys from her past. Please read Part I, again.
What follows are excerpts from some of my previous posts that I have copied and inserted here for your benefit.
---
"I believe it is important to look at the matter of experience this way. Each and every time a couple gets together and a new pairing is formed, sex and intercourse will be new and unique. Problems will probably crop up that will have to be worked out and no two individuals make love in exactly the same way even though the basic mechanics are the same. Each one of us has likes and dislikes, preferences, desires--and, a specific and unique way of triggering an orgasm. So, tell me, how is previous experience helpful other than s/he has seen the opposite sex naked. The fact that a gal or guy has kissed, caressed, and done some foreplay, maybe had intercourse and the partner has not, is no guarantee of ability or superior performance."
"Expect that no matter how much previous experience either of you have had with other people, each new pairing is a new partnership with its own unique set of dynamics and peculiarities that must be addressed and worked out. In point of fact, the two of you really start out together on the same footing with things that actually matter. That one or the other person has had more experience kissing, or fingering or giving hand jobs or blow jobs, or something else, is absolutely no guarantee of success with the next person."
"Doctor's recomendation: Do not take yourself so seriously." Neither age or prior experience has a bearing on how successful the two of you will be in establishing a great sex life.
"Whether one or the other or both of you are virgins or experienced, we all begin each new partnership at "Square One". Experience equates to knowledge not skill." Please read this statement, again.
"Next truth: We do not give orgasms away. Each person is responsible for his/her own. All any of us can hope to accomplish is to help our partner achive one through knowledge, skill, and a deft hand. It is important that we teach each other how to stimulate our respective genitalia. Why when we understand the basic mechanics involved in stroking a penis and fingering a clitoris? Because in due course each of us develops a "fine art" to the technique that is unique and specific to each of us. If we miss the mark, the orgasm will either not happen or be less than expected."
"Follow-up truth: It behooves each one of us to demonstrate for our partner how we masturbate and then to guide his/her hand movements with our hand several times until we learn to mimic our partner's rhythm, tempo, and pressure."
===
Because each and every couple begins every new relationship in the same place--Square One, we are in a perfect position to teach each other and to learn together in partnership.
> Now I'm married to my second sexual partner, and we both crave sex, but I just feel out of her league sexually.
So, start a new "league" together! This is the gist of what I said, above.
> She's even said things like "look, it doesn't matter to me", but I know it does.
The problem with this is that you do not believe your wife or trust her opinion. You discount her expert assessment of the matter. This cannot be good. Get over yourself, listen--and take heed.
> Now I've noticed premature ejaculation creeping in, purely brought on from the anxiety and fear of orgasming too quickly.
Perhaps, but, no, not really.
I've written a lengthy treatise on the subject of PE so if you are inclined to beleive what I am offering you here, then do a search under my name for:
P E
PE
Premature Ejaculation
training exercise
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/pleasing_her/16940-pe_-_special_case.htm...
Something else that might be of interest and help is a guide to making out that I posted on March 25th.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_sex/16825-need_help_here.html?highli...
> She even suggested I go to a prostitute to experience different women, but the thought revolted me, they're of course super-experienced, and get paid to look satisfied, whereas I feel I need sincere satisfaction and to be the dominant one.
OH! isn't this just a lovely thought? I won't comment beyond this for various reasons, all too obvious.
> I don't think I can improve myself physically without tanning (I freckle more than tan). It's just that I'm probably a 7 or an 8, but she's a 10 and used to 10's. I rarely feel that she is physically attracted to me and she's not a person to lie and pretend she is.
Here is another in the woe is me category. Please, get over this. I have presented all the tools you need to change your self image and your self worth.
It is not your physical characteristics that are important or relevant. Sexual attraction is more than just a physical presentation. At the heart of the matter is the essence of you. The more you bitch and moan about your (perceived) inadequacy, the more she is going to hold you in contempt.
Why would a woman hitch her very future on a man she didn't love and be attracted to?
> Any suggestions?
Asked and answered.
>The only thing I can think of that might help is working through the problem with some inexperienced women, maybe who also need some sexual confidence, where I'm now the experienced one.
This is wrong on so many levels.
Your acquired experience is gained by teaching each other, learning together, and exploring in partnership, as explained, above. Now, here is yet another truth: Behave your way to success. If you change your behavior and act the part, the act will become real and second nature with practice. Self confidence comes in little chunks. With each little gain in experience, your self confidence will become greater. It won't if all you do is wallow in self pitty and doubt.
I hope this is of help. Got questions? Feel free to ask.
Deleted duplicate post.
Wow Doc, thanks for such an informative reply and believe it or not, my wife has simultaneously told me nearly exactly the same (albeit to a different but related issue). I guess I just get a bit scared after my first wife suddenly wanted a divorce, although suddenly really isn't correct - I just didn't see the signs I'm sure were there. I never had the same hangups with her, but she left because of little things. Now I'm taking little things seriously but causing more problems from 'not relaxing'. I guess I'm homing in on a balance.
The issue with working through the sexual problems together is a tough one, because I've tried this but her response is "look, you're 37, you should know this stuff by now, I can't go through training someone again". I've told her that she has to be part of the solution, but she'd just rather leave it broke.
But I very much understand what you are saying, and I'll need to reread your response from time to time to ward off those inadequate feelings I know I will get from her until that confidence is restored and consequently she no longer gives me those feelings.
I appreciate your time.
Jonty