I'm not a virgin but I've only had sex once. Right now, a friend of mine has recently become my "summer fling". We both know this is just physical and it's only a summer thing. She, however, is a virgin and I'm pretty sure she's saving herself for the right guy for her first time.
This leaves me in an interesting situation. We've made out several times and she has no problems taking her top off. Last time, I tried slipping my hand down her pants. After a few minutes she said "I probably shouldn't be letting you do this" so I stopped.
She's visiting this weekend and I'm not sure how far I'm allowed to go. It seems like just asking would sorta kill the mood and the heat of the moment but at the same time, I don't want to overstep my bounds. As I understand it, everything up to oral is not considered intercourse.
Any suggestions as to how to advance without being too pushy?
Here's one: respect her wishes. If she doesn't want to go past shirtless and making out, then stop there. You've shown that you're interested, so it's up to her to decide when (if ever) to go farther.
> I'm not sure how far I'm allowed to go.
Hi,
I have written extensively on this matter.
Please do an advanced search using my name and the search term: Implied consent to get your answer. You will find several posts from me on various threads, each with important information.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/dating_and_new_relationships/16380-kind_...
I'll be editing to add the other posts of Doc's.
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/dating_and_new_relationships/16486-can_s...
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_sex/16250-first_time_x2.html?highlig...
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_sex/16709-a_few_questions-3.html?hig...
http://www.sexinfo101.com/forum/new_sex/16825-need_help_here.html?highli...
I figure those should do the trick. If you need more, there's yet more posts of his to read, and maybe you'll even get it directly from him if you're lucky ;)
Implied consent: That seems to clear up a lot, but I guess the question I have is now that a boundary has been set (or at least, it was last time), would it be wrong of me to see if that boundary has been extended next time?
Boundaries move and shift, certainly... and what one's boundaries are could well depend on how turned on one is.
Therefore, the approach to the question and the answer are important.
The problem with "implied consent" is that implications are funny things. Ask an attorney who's represented a guy who thought no meant yes and found himself accused of rape.
When you ask for consent makes a difference. A statement "I probably shouldn't be letting you do this..." can mean a lot of different things.
I shouldn't but I'm going to.
I want to do this but I don't want you to think I'm a slut.
I really don't want to do this but I don't know how to stop you.
Others can add to the list.
Here, in my opinion, is the "real deal." Unless you are only thinking of her as a chance to get laid, you might - as Browser said - simply respect her wishes. It's interesting that you afraid just asking will "kill the mood" because that implies you want in her pants whether she wants you there or not.
If you are "pretty sure" she wants to save herself... and if she's your friend... you ought to have a non-hormonal conversation with her about exactly what this "physical only" relationship is. She may not be sure herself, but that doesn't mean you should manipulate the situation the way you want it to come out.
It would not be wrong to survey the boundaries, but do it fully clothed based on brains and not on hormones. Not that complicated, really. While you're at it, you can also discuss birth control options... see? asking for consent at the height of passion has probably also caused a fair number of babies to be born because you're not thinking with brains!
Good points Wally.
I don't intend to go all the way with her if she's saving herself and I'm fairly clear on that. In that sense, the birth control talk is not really a factor (although I understand the importance of safe oral sex and all that and there's condoms readily available if necessary!).
I think you were right about the ambiguous "I shouldn't let you do this". I'll get clarity on that :-)
Thanks everyone!
Thanks... just remember... discuss it with her shirt on and your hands in your pockets.
And remember, recreational sex is not without it's risks... emotional as well as physical.
Even the physical risks should be a strong deterrent.
This Friday, I decided to take Wally's excellent advice. After being turned away, I cautiously asked her why she stopped me. Embarassed, she said "You're going to laugh at me...". After some reassuring she carefully admitted "I've never given a handjob or anything and I'm nervous about it. If I let you continue then I'd have to reciprocate".
Bingo.
The thought had never even entered my mind!
I'll spare the details but basically everything was good from that point on :)
Wally, thank you again for your advice.