Hello.
I'm Pace. I'm in my mid twenties, I have a happy marriage. I have a pretty good paying job that I enjoy, and I'm quite laid back and pretty stable, I think.
My best friend is also in his mid twenties. He's a virgin, has never worked a day in his life, and is quite emotionally unstable. He has serious self esteem issues. I've known him for over ten years now, and we were quite alike at one point. I grew up, he didn't. My wife saved my life, I think. When I met her she got my ass in gear. I lost weight, started my career, and went to school.
He did not have that boost. He's a loser of an epic caliber. He is a good guy, though. Very insecure, but I've met many people who could put him to shame. I'm seeking help here because I do not want him to get in trouble or severely hurt. He doesn't need more strife in his life.
My friend has entered into a very dangerous situation. He's pursuing a relationship with a 14 year old girl, about ten years his younger. She's never had a relationship before. I think this attracts him, because neither has he and all the girls his own age have far more experience than he has.
They've met in person (they originally met over the internet in a video game chatroom). I can say with absolute certainty that NOTHING physical has happened to date. I regularly chat with this girl. She's very smart and mature for her age, but she's quite naive.
He acts like he's deeply in love with her and I think he honestly is. She's confided in me that she was just looking for a friend to play games with at first, but she enjoys the attention he showers on her. She's asked for my advice often, as she sees me as a neutral adult who can ease some of her confusion.
I've flat out told them both that what they are doing is dangerous and while nothing physical has happened to date, I know once that line is crossed.. well, game over.
He's also an emotional basket case. He's desperate for attention. He'll often say rather.. disturbing things to her over the phone. Like he can't live without her, and if she ever found someone else, he'd kill himself.
I don't want to be that guy, the jerk who sticks his nose in everyone's sexual business. But I also do not want my friend to end up making an enormous mistake and potentially warping this girl's life, while shooting himself in the foot.
Should I do something? If so, what? I've already told them they're making a huge error but they don't seem to care. Thus is love, I guess. However warped it may be.
I'd very much appreciate constructive advice..
If he is your friend, let him know it's statutory rape, legally he is on the line. Encourage him to get help for his psych issue BUT I doubt he is going to listen to you--yet you owe him your truthfulness. If he does not listen, I'd separate yourself from him since he is engaging in such inappropriate behavior. What's next a 12 year old for him? Some serious psych issues here.
You have to tell him that what he's doing is illegal and will only end in trouble for him and devastation for her. He may not listen, but you can't sit back and let this happen. Counselling would be advisable and even if he doesn't go, you have to suggest it to him. He's an adult and ultimately he will make his own decision but you must put it to him straight. He'll be marked as a pedifile for the rest of his life!
Talk to him, and if that proves ineffective; talk to her. I know she's just after a bit of experience - but this is rape and he could go to prison for it - where I understand the sexual experiences may not be precisely ones he wants. Outof the kindness of HER own heart - she should let him go.
That was the first thing I did, as I explained in my above post. It didn't work. They only became angry with me. If I continue on that path I'm going to alienate myself and they're going to get closer together.
I've been thinking of somehow creating a situation where they break up, but I'm not exactly sure as to how to go about that.
I had a problem when I was 15 years old with one of my older family friends who was 29 at the time. This man was so infatuated with me while I tried to ignore our problems and just let this confusing mess die. It didnt when I brought over my first boyfriend and he did not take a liking to him. So I told the truth to my family that he feels this way about me and he french kissed me. Most of us shunned him oout of the family except maybe for one. But like her I was looking for experience and realize that it was not cool and downright creepy. She has to realize that and if she has to, come with a solid male figure to tell your friend that. This is not love, this is a sickness that goes beyond infautation. Your friend needs help.
if he loves her that much he should be willing to do what is best for her - let her go leave her alone its a game to her
Every teenager on this forum is going to hate me after this, but here goes...
Find a way to talk to her parents. Say "My friend is a good man, but he is a little emotionally messed up right now and he is heading down an unhealthy path with your daughter. I can assure you there has been no innappropriate physical contect as of yet, but I see the potential. I want to protect my friend from himself and I am trying to give you an oppertunity to protect your daughter." Tell her that you will have to do that. But her parents need to be able to step in before their daughter is molested, not forced to pick up the pieces afterward. I know you care about your friend, but what he is doing is wrong.
Mmm I think those steps will be necessary. I am in agreeance with you nottooblushing. That couldnt have happened with my parents though. My dad would have put two bullets in his ass.
Yes, I'd like to say thanks to everyone with their advice, especially nottooblushing. But yeah, I think it'd be nigh impossible to stop her from doing what she wants to do, even if her parents are brought into the equation.
And if they were to be brought into the situation, I assure you her religious father could turn my friend into a poorly bathed hamburger.
To be honest, I wasn't a teenager too long ago. If I was put in a like situation, I think it'd just make me want to be bad more so. At least in the current situation I know everything that's going on.
Which is not to say that the situation can be controlled at its current state, or that my friend is doing something that is acceptable.
It'd hurt him, but what about soiling him in her eyes? If I keep badgering them about it and go to her parents, it'll only make him a martyr in her eyes. But if I show her how big of a loser he is and how much better she could have it, wouldn't that be a better end product?
Don't play games about it. Either you step up and intervene or you walk away from the situation and him.
I'm 24, my fiance is 20, I'm not that far removed myself. If your friend won't stop then her father has every right to beat the living sh*t out of him. And frankly if you don't do something and her parents find out later that something happened and you were some how involved in the situation you may find yourself in hot water.
My little brother just turned 18, my response to him all through his teen years. "I don't want to know." I wanted to have plausible deniability. You know too much to not do something. I'm not sure where you live, but in the states it could even mean legal problems.