My wife and I are both 25, we've been married for 3 years this month. We love each other very much and are overall happy.
Our sex life has of course slowed since we first got together (more than six years ago) But it's still good, usually two or more times per week, this last week was actually five times. So like I said, it's still good.
My issue is that she's not very open in bed... at all and never has been. I'm a guy, I'm obsessed with sex it seems like and want to try all sorts of crazy things, and she just never really seems interested.
For example, I love performing oral on her... I nearly cum myself I enjoy it so much, she enjoys it when I do it but acts like she doesn't and even sometimes tries to stop me. She has never performed this act for me, not once even tried. She says it's gross and won't even consider it. Seriously sucks for me because I've only experienced it twice from girls I spent time with before her and absolutely loved it and to this day just crave it.
Other things that annoy me is she will never tell me what she likes. I understand that talking during sex can be a huge turn off, but she's like a mute when we're in bed. I have to just try things and watch her expressions to see if she likes it. Every now and then she's actually into it and the sex is just amazing.
I've bought some hand restraints in hopes she'd find them fun, I've only gotten her to use them once in the year and a half I've had them and she restrained me and tortured me with ice in fun. While this was good it's just not what I'm after completely.
I just wish she'd explore my body like i do hers, her mouth never touches anything but my face/neck/ears she never uses her tongue. The only time she even touches my genitalia during sex is if I put her hand on it and then she doesn't do much.
I just want to open her up and help her enjoy sex like I do. I'd really love to find a way to talk her into oral.
I love her and am happy with her. I have no desire to cheat or leave her.
Am I wrong to expect these things from her, should I give up, or does anyone have any tips I could try to open her up?
Well, look at this from HER point of view.
PUSH PRESSURE PUSH TRY THIS DO THAT COME ON BABY COME ON BABY.
You have said she's not open and you knew that going in - so why are you trying to change her now?
She may not be confident. Her policies regarding sex aren't as ubridled as yours are. Her sex drive may not be the same as yours is.
And all you're doing is making it worse.
Here's what you do:
1. ACCEPT her as she is.
2. Talk with her OUTSIDE of the bedroom about what she thinks about sex and what her policies and attitudes really are.
3. Do NOT try to change her - only she can change herself.
4. STOP PUSHING.
Also note that just because she is not "openly expressive" doesn't mean she's not enjoying herself.
Your desires are fine, but it's not really okay to "expect". You both don't owe eachother anything. Also, expectations and pressure can create a new reason she may not want to try something, even if she gets past her initial reason for not wanting to try it. It's great that you enjoy giving her oral, but I think it's a little unfair that she's not even willing to consider reciprocating. I'm a firm believer in balance, and this obviously creates an unbalance. Find out why she thinks giving oral sex is gross. Is it because you pee? Sweat or have strange odors/tastes? If that's the case, ask her if taking a good shower (paying special attention to your genitals) right before would help. And she can still blow you without licking the urethra itself.
Second theory - she seems guilty/afraid to enjoy sex. You say she enjoys getting oral but pretends she doesn't or tries to stop you...and she doesn't want to touch your penis..Did her family or religious community ever discourage sex/enjoying sex for reasons other than procreation? Is she worried that touching you and enjoying when you touch her will make her a slut? Ask her.
Well, the thing is I don't push her at all, I've hinted at it here and there but it's months in between just to avoid this type of situation, I've always kind of hoped she'd end up wanting to try these things on her own as she became more comfortable. The strangest part of this is her family is far from frowning upon this type of thing, I've even been in conversations with her mother where she's joked about these things openly. We also shower together on a regular basis.
We can be having fun and kissing, playing ,etc. But as soon as it turns into sex she gets super quiet and just kinda lets me basically have my way with her without getting to into it. She just relies on me to perform it and I can tell when she is or isn't enjoying it but it's definitely not from her telling me either way. I guess I'd just like her to take control every now and then and be a little more active if that makes sense.
Reading this myself it almost sounds petty and selfish, but I know I feel this way for a reason and it's really hard to describe with just text what goes on between us.
I guess I'll try talking to her about it again, It's been quite a while since I've brought it up. Wish me luck and I greatly appreciate your input.
Forget it mike.
Like EEK said, your desires and needs mean absolutely nothing and are not worth being considered. The only thing that matters is her desires, wants and needs. If that leaves you cold and in the dark, so be it.
Right EEK?
:rolleyes:
As others have advised talk about this away from the bedroom. Go for a nice walk together or while your having a meal out and just drop the odd hint into the conversation. Ask her if she has any fantasies and if there is anything you could do to fullfil them fo her.
The lady has her issues certainly. His wanting her to "open up" is a natural desire and not just for his sake. But I wanted him to know the truth about the situation - only she can change herself.
A discussion of "why" and "what do you think about x, y, or z" well away from the bedroom conducted in a friendly approachable way is the first step. You cannot 'demand' answers - you can only 'invite' them.
But, yes, there seems to be a story she's not told anyone.
Better yet, see a sex counselor. Her gyn, or the family physician, can recommend one.
[QUOTE=Ladysue;253687]Ask her if she has any fantasies and if there is anything you could do to fullfil them fo her.[/QUOTE]
and if the answer is "I don't know, I don't have any", then what do you do?
A few questions:
1. Does she get along with/respect her parents? If she doesn't, the open-ness they have about sex may give her the feeling that it's crude, and that it would be bending her will to them to enjoy it. I know parental reasons feel like a stretch, but if she felt this way during her teen/experimental years, she'll feel this way for quite a while.
2. Have you ever considered abuse? She may not remember, as a lot of victims suppress memories, but it's possible that she was abused as a child.
3. Is she religious? If so, I believe this answer is self explanatory.
4. She may just be this way. There are easily millions of women out there who act like this (judging from friend's opinions and guys complaints), and you won't change her.