I would like this thread to be a guide on how to communicate with women. I often see threads where the advice is "talk to her" but at times, it seems as if my husband is talking a different language that I do and his "talking to me" seems more like a visit to the psychiatrists office than an actual "equal partner" conversation. Please understand, this is not an attack on my husband, he is a good man, and I know that I need just as much help in the communications department as he does.
One thing that is important to me in a conversation with my husband when he needs to talk to me when I am not exhausted. If I am exhausted, I cannot think rationally. I cannot stay up night after night discussing what ever he wants to talk about that night until 4 am when the kids get up at 7:30 am. Maybe one night a week would be fine, but not repeatedly. To me, it is inconsiderate that my rest is not important to him.
I cannot communicate properly when it seems like I have been sent to the prinicpals office and that he is just there to discipline me, belittle me or my ideas, tell me that my opinions are wrong or that the things that I like are stupid. This can be exacerbated if I am exhausted because I can not think rationally when I am tired.
Sometimes it seems as if my husband is trying to please me so much that he will discount what I actually say because he over analyzes everything. Sometimes, things just are. I need him to listen to my answers and accept them.
I do not like it when the only time my husband tells me that he has a problem with me is when I have brought up something that he has done that has hurt my feelings. To me, that looks like a smoke screen.
These things may or may not apply to all women, I do not know because I am not all women. So take what you want and leave the rest, or "talk to her" about these things. You might be a suprised at what you will find out.
for a minute there I thought you were writing about my wife !
it's not just men, but it's a respect thing and when your spouse extends that personal respect, most of the issues at hand tend to dissolve as unimportant and you can get to the matter at hand or just be content to be a loving couple.
I agree that some things "just are" or "just happen that way" but they are not a personal attack on anyone. These things are symptoms of bigger unspoken issues that will build up until they explode into a giant marital mess.
Don't let your relationship wind up like mine. Take the time before things get bad and sit down and talk (over breakfast is good) and discuss calmly what you both want, expect, and need from the relationship
Oversimplification: men communicate for content; women, for contact.
Read the book Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus, Good primer on the topic.
Yes women talk for contact - they use metamessages, eliptical references and they talk more about feelings/emotions than men do and more than men find comfortable but usually that's when talking with other women. When women talk to men, if the women aren't careful, they use these same tools and the men get lost in a quagmire. This leaves men groping about for something solid to stand on, since they talk for content, and that looks like an attack to the listening women.
Women wonder why men 'don't get it' and men wonder what women get so upset about.
Men: think how you would FEEL if...
Women: forget the feelings and just SAY IT...
Discussion Groundrules:
In case you're wondering how I am 'qualfied' to lay these out, I've been married to the same man, through thick and thin, for more than 30 years and we're still very much in love with each other despite our, no doubt, many flaws. Therefore we must be communicating effectively.
1. discussions will take place on neutral grounds, in private, and on terms of equal respect for the feelings and opinions of the participants.
2. participants will not be drunk, ill, tired, or otherwise 'not fit' to effectively present his/her side.
3. only one person speaks at a time and only one item will be presented at a time. if there are more items to cover, they wait their turn.
4. the words used will not assign blame or give responibility to the other - your emotions and your thoughts are your responsibility.
5. do not ever get physical during a discussion
6. be willing to step back if a solution can't be found yet.
The point here is you are two people who love each other and you're here to FIX , NOT to WIN.
EEK, Brandye, and Hot-Texan, such wise advise. Thank you all!
EEK, you sound just like a friend of mine called JuJumama of the Progressive Love Movement. Her motto is no cop-outs, no drop-outs, no victims no villians. :)
After reading this entry, I'm thinking the topic was about me & my wife. Especially when you mentioned how you bring a issue up & then he brings up issues. Almost like going "tit for tat"... When it comes to being exhausted & not feeling like talking at a certain time; you sound like my wife for real. LOL What seems to work for me is recognizing what's serious vs. what's not really a issue. If you and your husband have an important issue to discuss, then adjust your focus accordingly. As for him trying to bring up issues after you bring a issue to his attention; I have to remind my wife all the time that the discussion is not a "me vs. you" situation... This usually gets her to keep quiet for a few seconds while I get my point across. Bottom line is most of us will not have the same communication style. Usually this is the challenge. It's in our best interest to learn each others communication style. If you & him get a good handle on this it will probably enhance the communication between you & him big time!
Use humor carefully. It can lighten the situation or make it much much worse- if your sigot catches even the merest hint of disrespect in the humor used, you're dead. When in doubt and your wife is going to Defcon 4 excuse your masculine boneheadedness by saying that you were stunned by her beauty or were remembering her at the time of the regrettably bonheaded moment. Lay it on with a trowel and pretend you're 6 yrs old and flirting with the cute check-out girl again.It can't just be my husband who can get away with this?!?!
This is an intersting thread to me personally. My wife is so silent on things about intimacy it is drawing us apart. I'm trying to be patient but i am losing it slowly. Lately my thoughts have been drifting towards leaving because her silence is too much to take.