"It's really up to HER at this point... there's not much, other than communicating clearly, that you can do to change it."
I wish you luck. I totally understand your frustration. Like I said before, I would NEVER leave my wife if she stopped giving oral, BUT... it would greatly diminish the overall sex-experience in the long-term since oral is something that I truly enjoy and desire. Why should someone be denied a simple pleasure in-life when we have such a limited time on this earth...? Talk to her... help her understand your point of view, but don't force the issue.
[QUOTE=Quote ]She has admitted to me that she does not like performing oral and did not do so on her last boyfriend (I dont know whether this is true or not).[/QUOTE]
I'd like to take a second on this item. When I hear something like this I've learned not to discount it's subtlety. It may be the seed of earlier bad experiences for this person, and speak volumes.
If it is that she was sexually abused(or felt so) in this manner in an earlier relationship, the damage may be lasting. Many a preteen girl who wanted to be popular with the older boys(who are way out of their league) have learned about giving oral and swallowing all in the same lesson, even if they had last minute reservations about going thru with it. Few boys are going to leave her feeling anything but used.....as they simply don't know that much yet about relationships. Often the girl will internalize the experience feeling guilty, stupid, used, or worse, and close the door on this activity with any guy she meets later.
Oral sex quite often is the first experience
in sexuality girls get. The guys that they are with are quick to orgasm and produce bountiful ejaculations.(any guys remember this?) Try to remember that it is just how the guys are made at this age, and they probably didn't know any more than you about what they were doing.....except just wanting to have the experience of doing this with/to the girl. The hurt, pain, and precieved abuse from this may be magnified in the girls mind way beyond proportion. It may take years before she can look back and understand what happened to her and why.
This kind of stuff is for older kids closer to 20 than
11 or 13. The young ones(both male and female) just don't have the emotional or social maturity for this to be a positive
experience. When you are a preteen eight hours is an eternity,
but when you are an adult...it is just another day at work.
I wish I had a dollar for every 13 year old girl who came onto a sexblogg I've lurked on and asked...how do I give a BJ?(honey....at your age...you don't want to know) Cause you will probably find the first opportunistic boy and then resolve afterwards not to do this again in your life.
With this said, some girls will say this happened to them and it is why they refuse to do it. Using it to manipulate with...like a game. Being abused and acting like you were is noticably different and faking in a partnership won't build you
a healthy enduring relationship.
I think this goes a lot deeper than just the blow job issue. You say the relationship is in jeopardy. I think you should be working on that…the whole relationship rather than just focusing on blow jobs.
Also, dropping hints is almost as bad as outright asking and it becomes tiresome.
Try to work on why her sex drive is low…stress, tiredness, medication, feeling unloved or unappreciated?
Has her drive recently got low or has it always been low?
Have you searched the treads for advice on rekindling a sex life or dealing with a partner’s low drive?
I wish the original poster (DirtyDirtyHarry) would offer up a few more details such as his gf's backround or any possible clues as to why she feels this way about performing oral.
I'm going to assume that she looks upon it as a demeaning
act and that's the issue Harry needs to address.
My suggestion is that the next time you are able to perform the act, the right kind of positive feedback could help in the future. Tell her "I know this is hard for you, but you look so beautiful and sexy to me when you make love with me like this". Don't say "I like watching my cock slide in and out of your mouth".
If she really does have friends that are reinforcing her own negative opinion, then not much is likely to change in the near future. All I can say is that what us women say to each other isn't always true. If you are with a group of peers that
all voice a dislike for something (in this case bj's) it's not easy
to be the one that states, "Well, I love doing it and I'm good at it". In my experience, most women enjoy performing oral, so I doubt that all your gf's friends really dislike it. You might suggest to your gf that her friends may be too embarrassed to admit they like it.
My (now) wife was not into giving oral that much when we first dated 7-years ago. As a matter of fact... in the first 3-years, it probably only happened about a dozen times or-so.
BUT... I started comunicating with her specifically about sex as our relationship went on, and got her to be more comfortable TALKING about sex. She then was comfortable LISTENING to me when I explained my likes & dislikes about sex and encouraged her to share HERS.
This led to a more openness about sex and she became more involved on her OWN because she (apparently) began to "want" to do things that made me feel good, which made HER feel good. Heck... since then, she's actually let me cum in her mouth a few times. Maybe half-dozen times so-far, BUT... now she'll give oral almost EVERY TIME and she's actually ENJOYING it... The key here, in my situation is time, patience and COMMUNICATION. This does not happen overnight. We've been together 7-years and only in the last 3 has she become enthusiastic about giving oral.
NOTE: There have been MANY changies in our sex life... not just her performing oral... I too have been more accommodating to HER desires. The topic just happened to be about oral, but I-too have changed to please her. We've built a trust and openness that keeps growing.
Dunno... maybe the communication thing will work for you, but it "should" be a thing where you share, NOT dictate.
i too would like to know what she doesn't like about it. the idea of having your mouth on "that" part of guy is not a particularly appealing idea to some gals. you two have few years history so its not you're just started dating and arent yet close enough for yu both to feel ok with it. even if she is like me with the first guy i gave oral to i was with. we dated for a while before he asked me to try it and had to ask many many times before i finally agreeded to doing it. not that i jumped right in on all eager each and every time shortly following, eventually i got over my hesitancy and then on thru our relationship it was part of our sex life until we divorced.
here now and 23 years later the 2nd guy i gave oral to and we are still both enjoying it.
im getting the notion she feels somewhat inhibited sexually. the ol good girls dont do that and im a good girl and not some floozie and then you may mention it and shes thinking you think shes a floozie and how can you even ask her to do THAT ... she might be torn that way about it. she wants to please you but she may think you thinks less of her cuz she does it and she doesnt want you to think shes "cheap" then she gets resentful cuz since you asked that means you think she is "slutty".... difficult to explain but i hope it makes some sense and may be helpful in some way.
If you back off completely she may become more curious about it if she can do it in her own terms.
Yes, I have to agree. There is much to be said for
"Readyness". Girls should let guys know what they are ready to do and not, and guys respect those bounds.(but girls...you may not want him to see you as a "rules girl" too quickly either) When most of us learn, it's a lot more fun when we want to instead of being made to. Think of your favorite teachers at school, and how he/she were able to bring out the curiousity within you to actually get you to want to learn and grow.
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like everyone is attacking this woman unfairly.
She is not a bad person just because she doesn’t like oral; we can’t all like the same things. By all means see if there is something you can change to make her more comfortable, maybe you are pushing her head down when she does it, or thrusting up with excitement and she does not feel comfortable and in control, maybe you don’t tell her when you are going to cum and therefore don’t give her a choice as to what to do, maybe she just doesn’t like the smell or taste of cock, or feels that she is expected to deep throat, maybe the fact that you seem to expect it is the biggest turn off at all (because it would turn me off I tell ya), there could be lots of reasons, but she’s not a bad person, in fact it seems that she has been doing it against her will for some time.
You have to balance up what you really want, do you want here to be uncomfortable and turned off while she does something solely for your pleasure? I am not into reciprocal things either e.g. “I will I’ll do this for you if you do this for me”. Sex should be a shared experience that feels good for both, not a chore or with bribery involved. Everything I do to my boyfriends body I do it with complete joy and visa versa, I would never want my boyfriend to do something to me that actually turned him of, made him uncomfortable and give him no pleasure, maybe I’m the only person here that would rather go without.
There may be reason but at the end of the day if she simply hates it then that is that, we don’t always have a logical reason for hating something, there are lots of things I hate, several of them I can’t put my finger on as to why. The fact that she is getting angry is probably because you are sounding pushy to her, and she feels backed into a corner.
You could try and find other things she could do as an alternative that she would enjoy. In Lou Pagents book “how to be a great lover” there are no less than 20 hand techniques that she could perform on you, I know my boyfriend enjoys them, a big bottle of lube and off you go. Also maybe she would enjoy you rubbing you penis between her breasts instead.
Drop the pushiness, talk with sensitivity and understanding, LISTEN to her, without speaking and really digest what she tell you then tell her you understand rather than just countering it with solutions immediately, just listen. And don’t mentioning “well I go down on you” cause I would be out the door I’m afraid it’s a statement all about expectation, and as I have said expectation is a massive turn off. If you back off completely she may become more curious about it if she can do it in her own terms
At the end of the day you just might need to be more loving and accepting of how she is.
I've had some girlfriends who almost went frigid at the meer suggestion of it. I just smiled and told them that I had been a virgin till later than most because I had felt the same way.
That I thought I should offer, not realizing she wasn't up to doing that, as so many other girls out there insisted their guy
be willing.
When I was willing to take it slowly just for them, and made the offer to give to them without their having to reciprocate
some would try it while only a couple wouldn't have anything to do with this activity at all. Those few only wanted kissing, cuddling, and straight sex.
When those girls who were reluctant came around I could tell
they were as unsure as I was. I would tell them they could just kiss on my penis a little. In these instances she was on top. I would give to her and notice after a bit she would
become more curious and adventuresome. Before long she was giving to me. Still it was some time before they wanted to tast me. In time they overcame inhibitions and even enjoyed the activity saying, "well, a guy certainly gets enough of a girl's cum".
I asked them how they felt about doing it now and they indicated they had grown and matured a bit. They were glad they had made it thru their uncertainty, confusion, and having lived too long in their times of young teen ignorance.
I mentioned that my thoughts were similar, and that my courage took longer to muster too....just like them. Yet if I had had more courage earlier....I may not have gotten to be with them to share their experience and emerging to a new awareness.
I know a woman that won't give oral ever to her man. She decided she didn't like it years ago and refused to ever try to like it. Much to her man's dismay I might add.
Like everything in sex it is something that has to be learned and it has to be something that the woman is willing to do either for her own pleasure or to please her man.
Now I hold to the belief that just not wanting to do it is not a good enough excuse. I would want to know why she hates it also. Is she young and not experienced? Does she not understand that sometimes we do things we don't really enjoy because our partner does and we want to please them.
I see this time and again with mainly women that decided if they don't like it then they don't have to do it. Frankly I think that is crap. Yeah when I started giving oral it hurt my jaw and neck too. Swallowing cum was a gagging experience but I learned how to overcome it by practice and learning how to be the best at that I can be.
I did this at first to please my man and have grown to love it as part of our sex life. I suggest you just keep at it. But you may have to accept that she might never do it. Afterall its not any fun to have her down there knowing she is hating it is there?
[QUOTE=Quote (dirtydirtyharry @ Nov. 07 2004,15:02)]When I try to speak to her about it she gets irate and starts saying that I should love her for what she is etc and she tells me that she is just the same as all her mates - apparently they all hate giving oral too! (I dont know whether this is true or not!)[/QUOTE]
If what's she saying is true, she needs some new mates. :-)
The posts so far are to the point. I'd add that I'm concerned about the anger and the statement that you should "love her for what she is."
Perhaps this is not just about oral sex?
Or perhaps your "encouraging" is too frequent and too demanding?
My point is that you do need to step into her shoes a bit and see what's going on there. Be prepared to discover that it's not simply about oral sex.
without seeming harsh or anything, try to figure out why she hates it. maybe it's that it hurts her jaw or something. my girlfriend used that as an excuse for a while. As was said, her just hating it isn't that good a reason
Well I think she should give a better reason than she just hates it.
What part does she hate?
Maybe she just hates it if you cum in her mouth, or whatever.
I don't like that either, but it doesn't stop me from teasing my b/f and giving him oral. I just usually don't finish him all the way, its more of a foreplay thing.
Well... as has already been said:
"It's really up to HER at this point... there's not much, other than communicating clearly, that you can do to change it."
I wish you luck. I totally understand your frustration. Like I said before, I would NEVER leave my wife if she stopped giving oral, BUT... it would greatly diminish the overall sex-experience in the long-term since oral is something that I truly enjoy and desire. Why should someone be denied a simple pleasure in-life when we have such a limited time on this earth...? Talk to her... help her understand your point of view, but don't force the issue.
Agian... good luck with it.
[QUOTE=Quote ]She has admitted to me that she does not like performing oral and did not do so on her last boyfriend (I dont know whether this is true or not).[/QUOTE]
I'd like to take a second on this item. When I hear something like this I've learned not to discount it's subtlety. It may be the seed of earlier bad experiences for this person, and speak volumes.
If it is that she was sexually abused(or felt so) in this manner in an earlier relationship, the damage may be lasting. Many a preteen girl who wanted to be popular with the older boys(who are way out of their league) have learned about giving oral and swallowing all in the same lesson, even if they had last minute reservations about going thru with it. Few boys are going to leave her feeling anything but used.....as they simply don't know that much yet about relationships. Often the girl will internalize the experience feeling guilty, stupid, used, or worse, and close the door on this activity with any guy she meets later.
Oral sex quite often is the first experience
in sexuality girls get. The guys that they are with are quick to orgasm and produce bountiful ejaculations.(any guys remember this?) Try to remember that it is just how the guys are made at this age, and they probably didn't know any more than you about what they were doing.....except just wanting to have the experience of doing this with/to the girl. The hurt, pain, and precieved abuse from this may be magnified in the girls mind way beyond proportion. It may take years before she can look back and understand what happened to her and why.
This kind of stuff is for older kids closer to 20 than
11 or 13. The young ones(both male and female) just don't have the emotional or social maturity for this to be a positive
experience. When you are a preteen eight hours is an eternity,
but when you are an adult...it is just another day at work.
I wish I had a dollar for every 13 year old girl who came onto a sexblogg I've lurked on and asked...how do I give a BJ?(honey....at your age...you don't want to know) Cause you will probably find the first opportunistic boy and then resolve afterwards not to do this again in your life.
With this said, some girls will say this happened to them and it is why they refuse to do it. Using it to manipulate with...like a game. Being abused and acting like you were is noticably different and faking in a partnership won't build you
a healthy enduring relationship.
eDJ
I think this goes a lot deeper than just the blow job issue. You say the relationship is in jeopardy. I think you should be working on that…the whole relationship rather than just focusing on blow jobs.
Also, dropping hints is almost as bad as outright asking and it becomes tiresome.
Try to work on why her sex drive is low…stress, tiredness, medication, feeling unloved or unappreciated?
Has her drive recently got low or has it always been low?
Have you searched the treads for advice on rekindling a sex life or dealing with a partner’s low drive?
one thing i'd like to note. you do have a hand to ease that frustration by yourself. It's not like you've had sex regularly since you hit puberty.
I don't really feel like saying much else at this point. so many things come into play here that i'm having trouble formulating good advice.
message removed
I wish the original poster (DirtyDirtyHarry) would offer up a few more details such as his gf's backround or any possible clues as to why she feels this way about performing oral.
I'm going to assume that she looks upon it as a demeaning
act and that's the issue Harry needs to address.
My suggestion is that the next time you are able to perform the act, the right kind of positive feedback could help in the future. Tell her "I know this is hard for you, but you look so beautiful and sexy to me when you make love with me like this". Don't say "I like watching my cock slide in and out of your mouth".
If she really does have friends that are reinforcing her own negative opinion, then not much is likely to change in the near future. All I can say is that what us women say to each other isn't always true. If you are with a group of peers that
all voice a dislike for something (in this case bj's) it's not easy
to be the one that states, "Well, I love doing it and I'm good at it". In my experience, most women enjoy performing oral, so I doubt that all your gf's friends really dislike it. You might suggest to your gf that her friends may be too embarrassed to admit they like it.
Well... as usual, here's my 2¢ on the subject.
My (now) wife was not into giving oral that much when we first dated 7-years ago. As a matter of fact... in the first 3-years, it probably only happened about a dozen times or-so.
BUT... I started comunicating with her specifically about sex as our relationship went on, and got her to be more comfortable TALKING about sex. She then was comfortable LISTENING to me when I explained my likes & dislikes about sex and encouraged her to share HERS.
This led to a more openness about sex and she became more involved on her OWN because she (apparently) began to "want" to do things that made me feel good, which made HER feel good. Heck... since then, she's actually let me cum in her mouth a few times. Maybe half-dozen times so-far, BUT... now she'll give oral almost EVERY TIME and she's actually ENJOYING it... The key here, in my situation is time, patience and COMMUNICATION. This does not happen overnight. We've been together 7-years and only in the last 3 has she become enthusiastic about giving oral.
NOTE: There have been MANY changies in our sex life... not just her performing oral... I too have been more accommodating to HER desires. The topic just happened to be about oral, but I-too have changed to please her. We've built a trust and openness that keeps growing.
Dunno... maybe the communication thing will work for you, but it "should" be a thing where you share, NOT dictate.
Peace...
i too would like to know what she doesn't like about it. the idea of having your mouth on "that" part of guy is not a particularly appealing idea to some gals. you two have few years history so its not you're just started dating and arent yet close enough for yu both to feel ok with it. even if she is like me with the first guy i gave oral to i was with. we dated for a while before he asked me to try it and had to ask many many times before i finally agreeded to doing it. not that i jumped right in on all eager each and every time shortly following, eventually i got over my hesitancy and then on thru our relationship it was part of our sex life until we divorced.
here now and 23 years later the 2nd guy i gave oral to and we are still both enjoying it.
im getting the notion she feels somewhat inhibited sexually. the ol good girls dont do that and im a good girl and not some floozie and then you may mention it and shes thinking you think shes a floozie and how can you even ask her to do THAT ... she might be torn that way about it. she wants to please you but she may think you thinks less of her cuz she does it and she doesnt want you to think shes "cheap" then she gets resentful cuz since you asked that means you think she is "slutty".... difficult to explain but i hope it makes some sense and may be helpful in some way.
Quote from BabyBlue:
If you back off completely she may become more curious about it if she can do it in her own terms.
Yes, I have to agree. There is much to be said for
"Readyness". Girls should let guys know what they are ready to do and not, and guys respect those bounds.(but girls...you may not want him to see you as a "rules girl" too quickly either) When most of us learn, it's a lot more fun when we want to instead of being made to. Think of your favorite teachers at school, and how he/she were able to bring out the curiousity within you to actually get you to want to learn and grow.
BabyBlue's post makes a lot of sense to me.
eDJ
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like everyone is attacking this woman unfairly.
She is not a bad person just because she doesn’t like oral; we can’t all like the same things. By all means see if there is something you can change to make her more comfortable, maybe you are pushing her head down when she does it, or thrusting up with excitement and she does not feel comfortable and in control, maybe you don’t tell her when you are going to cum and therefore don’t give her a choice as to what to do, maybe she just doesn’t like the smell or taste of cock, or feels that she is expected to deep throat, maybe the fact that you seem to expect it is the biggest turn off at all (because it would turn me off I tell ya), there could be lots of reasons, but she’s not a bad person, in fact it seems that she has been doing it against her will for some time.
You have to balance up what you really want, do you want here to be uncomfortable and turned off while she does something solely for your pleasure? I am not into reciprocal things either e.g. “I will I’ll do this for you if you do this for me”. Sex should be a shared experience that feels good for both, not a chore or with bribery involved. Everything I do to my boyfriends body I do it with complete joy and visa versa, I would never want my boyfriend to do something to me that actually turned him of, made him uncomfortable and give him no pleasure, maybe I’m the only person here that would rather go without.
There may be reason but at the end of the day if she simply hates it then that is that, we don’t always have a logical reason for hating something, there are lots of things I hate, several of them I can’t put my finger on as to why. The fact that she is getting angry is probably because you are sounding pushy to her, and she feels backed into a corner.
You could try and find other things she could do as an alternative that she would enjoy. In Lou Pagents book “how to be a great lover” there are no less than 20 hand techniques that she could perform on you, I know my boyfriend enjoys them, a big bottle of lube and off you go. Also maybe she would enjoy you rubbing you penis between her breasts instead.
Drop the pushiness, talk with sensitivity and understanding, LISTEN to her, without speaking and really digest what she tell you then tell her you understand rather than just countering it with solutions immediately, just listen. And don’t mentioning “well I go down on you” cause I would be out the door I’m afraid it’s a statement all about expectation, and as I have said expectation is a massive turn off. If you back off completely she may become more curious about it if she can do it in her own terms
At the end of the day you just might need to be more loving and accepting of how she is.
I've had some girlfriends who almost went frigid at the meer suggestion of it. I just smiled and told them that I had been a virgin till later than most because I had felt the same way.
That I thought I should offer, not realizing she wasn't up to doing that, as so many other girls out there insisted their guy
be willing.
When I was willing to take it slowly just for them, and made the offer to give to them without their having to reciprocate
some would try it while only a couple wouldn't have anything to do with this activity at all. Those few only wanted kissing, cuddling, and straight sex.
When those girls who were reluctant came around I could tell
they were as unsure as I was. I would tell them they could just kiss on my penis a little. In these instances she was on top. I would give to her and notice after a bit she would
become more curious and adventuresome. Before long she was giving to me. Still it was some time before they wanted to tast me. In time they overcame inhibitions and even enjoyed the activity saying, "well, a guy certainly gets enough of a girl's cum".
I asked them how they felt about doing it now and they indicated they had grown and matured a bit. They were glad they had made it thru their uncertainty, confusion, and having lived too long in their times of young teen ignorance.
I mentioned that my thoughts were similar, and that my courage took longer to muster too....just like them. Yet if I had had more courage earlier....I may not have gotten to be with them to share their experience and emerging to a new awareness.
eDJ
I know a woman that won't give oral ever to her man. She decided she didn't like it years ago and refused to ever try to like it. Much to her man's dismay I might add.
Like everything in sex it is something that has to be learned and it has to be something that the woman is willing to do either for her own pleasure or to please her man.
Now I hold to the belief that just not wanting to do it is not a good enough excuse. I would want to know why she hates it also. Is she young and not experienced? Does she not understand that sometimes we do things we don't really enjoy because our partner does and we want to please them.
I see this time and again with mainly women that decided if they don't like it then they don't have to do it. Frankly I think that is crap. Yeah when I started giving oral it hurt my jaw and neck too. Swallowing cum was a gagging experience but I learned how to overcome it by practice and learning how to be the best at that I can be.
I did this at first to please my man and have grown to love it as part of our sex life. I suggest you just keep at it. But you may have to accept that she might never do it. Afterall its not any fun to have her down there knowing she is hating it is there?
Good luck
[QUOTE=Quote (dirtydirtyharry @ Nov. 07 2004,15:02)]When I try to speak to her about it she gets irate and starts saying that I should love her for what she is etc and she tells me that she is just the same as all her mates - apparently they all hate giving oral too! (I dont know whether this is true or not!)[/QUOTE]
If what's she saying is true, she needs some new mates. :-)
The posts so far are to the point. I'd add that I'm concerned about the anger and the statement that you should "love her for what she is."
Perhaps this is not just about oral sex?
Or perhaps your "encouraging" is too frequent and too demanding?
My point is that you do need to step into her shoes a bit and see what's going on there. Be prepared to discover that it's not simply about oral sex.
without seeming harsh or anything, try to figure out why she hates it. maybe it's that it hurts her jaw or something. my girlfriend used that as an excuse for a while. As was said, her just hating it isn't that good a reason
Well I think she should give a better reason than she just hates it.
What part does she hate?
Maybe she just hates it if you cum in her mouth, or whatever.
I don't like that either, but it doesn't stop me from teasing my b/f and giving him oral. I just usually don't finish him all the way, its more of a foreplay thing.