you should really talk to him about how you are feeling. Do it someplace other than at home and in the most non-confrontational way that you can think or. Let him know honestly how you feel and that you don't want your relationship to get stale and either of you to become complacent or resentful of the other one because your needs aren't being met. Be sure you have some idea of your expectations before going into this conversation, because he'll probably ask, since you're bringing it up. Give him time to process the info and don't expect magic right away.

It takes both of you to get lazy in the relationship but it really only takes one of you to respark the flame that you had. What were the kind of things you liked to do when you first met. If your sex life has really slowed down also, try and step up your own game a little bit and if he's like most guys his appreciation will be shown thru his actions towards you and not just his words.

It's a good chance he might feel the same way, but hasn't come to the same point that you have yet. Fix it before it gets out of hand and one of you decides that enough is enough between the two of you.

You don't have to answer, but if you have been together and exclusive for 4 years, have the two of you discussed the future of your relationship. Marriage, simple exclusivity, something spiritual?

How old are each of you?

How many men have you dated?

Without knowing any more than you have stated, it sounds very much like he is "just not that into you" anymore, enjoys having you around for what you do for him and around the house.

It seems to me like you need to end this and begin dating more people in order to learn about their individual goals, ideals, quirks, interests, morals, values, etc., et cetera, etc., so that you will be better able to know what you want in a partner, and be able to recognize Mr. Right when he pops into view.

Dating should never begin and end with the first warm body who expresses an interest in you, and, if you are typical of young people nowadays, this is what you have done; or, with extremely limited dating in your teens. My recommendation is to get out there in the world, be seen, and date lots of people.

Have you read any/all of the articles listed in the Index? Please do, particularly those regarding the how-to's of dating.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

> I just started thinking about this cause we were arguing about something stupid but mostly just joking around and our male roommate said we fight like brother and sister, and my fiance said yeah once you've bern with someone for 4 years its not all cute and cuddling,

It is what it is--or, rather, what the two of you decide to make your relationship! Here is an article to read about managing differences of opinions:

Confrontations-- About Fighting, Arguing & Negotiating
How to give your partner the most of what s/he wants without giving up the core of what you want.
Or--making life better and more peaceful.

> we don't even talk that much that's just how long term relationships are were both just here. Is this true?

And why don't you talk that much, or do things together. It is fine for the two of you to have different interests, although, if you cannot find something in common, and/or to become involved from time to time in your partner's interests, there is not much "glue" to hold the relationship together.

> Am I just expecting a fantasy life where after years we still in love like day one and we surprise each other with flowers and stuff? Sorry I think I'm just venting.

Of course not! Absolutely not. Probably not like day one or after six months because relationships evolve and mature. It sounds like your boyfriend has become complacent. He has to know and understand that just because he has successfully {at least until now) wooed you, and, bedded you, that that is that and no follow up effort is required. WRONG. Relationships require constant maintenance and constant upkeep and constant infusions of time and effort on the part of both parties. Here is a Dr. Phil (McGraw)'ism:

When I wake up each morning I ask myself what can I do today to make my wife's (or husband's) life better? Then do it.

"...flowers and stuff?" This is the stuff of romance. Romancing our partner should start way before the real action begins. All too often nowadays, guys believe that the best and quickest way to an orgasm is from lots and lots of humping. Not true. Begin by setting the stage, then the scene. This can be a card in the morning, a whisper in the ear in the morning, a suggestion of what you'd like to do later, a quick phone call during the day just to say "ILU" and not much else, etc. Let your partner know that s/he is ever gentle on your mind. Doing these simple things will keep the fires of passion burning brightly.

If your boyfriend is not contributing to the household chores, listening intently to what you have to say, being interested in doing things with you, then what is the point of continuing a stagnant relationship in which he shows little interest in? Fast forward: you two are now married and it is now seven years later: have you heard the ol' adage about the "seven year itch"? One or the other of you will likely be looking outside the marriage or considering a divorce. My suggestion is to seek couples counseling and to take your cue for what to do next from his interest and participation.

As noted, above, had I to hazard a guess, it would be that you have not found Mr. Right, having settled for the first warm body who expressed an (initial) interest in you. If true, then you need to reenter the dating world and begin dating lots of fellas for the reasons explained.

Right now, there are two possibilities with this guy:
1. He is happy with the world he has created for himself. He has you doing his laundry, cooking his meals, and, cleaning the house. What more does he need to do?

2. He is unhappy with the world he has created for himself, yet knows not what to do to change it for the better. If you determine this is the situation, then enlist his help to make changes. He needs to understand that his active participation is required.

I think we are ready to live together!!
We frequently hear about people living together who later find that one, the other, or both are not happy living together. Similarly, we frequently read a post in which a couple is contemplating moving in together and looking for a suitable residence. Here is an initial Check List.

Lastly, said another way: if your boyfriend cannot see the value and need to plug-in to your relationship, then you pull the plug, now, rather than a few years down the road after hurt and frustration and perhaps children.

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

Let's see - I've been married to the same wonderful man for more than 30 years and are we still doing the romance, flowers, etc. stuff?

No, because our relationship is DEEPER than that.

You do all of the 'romantic' stuff to FIX your interest in THIS person. You then build on that developing a relationship so good that it doesn't need all of that to stay rich and full of love. He has his interests and I have mine but we share interests as well as participating in each other's interests.

I sit there in the garage and interpret the repair manuals while he works on the cars, for example. I have done the same thing by the side of the road when the car has broken down and my knight has driven to my rescue.

Romance to us means my going along to the dentist's to hold his hand and him making sure I eat properly.

And, yes, the sex is great, as nuanced and as thrilling, if not as frequent as before.

I find your idea of marriage a bit "emotionally young". Dating is not the same as marriage nor should it be.

does that mean EEK you and especially your "Big Cat" hubby don't do anything special for valentines day? and just one thing i will add for epic is when you talk to him, do it beside him not across. when in front of him it is singled as a fight to him in his brain. that certainly won't help get your point across if he feels attacked.

LOL - he has to do something for Valentine's Day because that's my birthday.
But the point is that the affection and love between us is expressed more subtlely than that of a newly mated couple or a couple in their 20's.

"Love starts like a wild fire, spreading through your body engulfing everything it touches. It burns brightly and powerfully. But like a wild fire it eventually begins to dim. Its bright flames and incredible heat is replaced by warm embers. Though not as "flashy" these embers will continue to warm the soul and unlike the flames before it, these embers will burn for a lifetime rather than fade."

Best quote I've seen talking about love. And it seems to be true. Its all flashy and romantic when you first fall in love. But eventually you begin to experience that deeo warm love that, even though it may not "look" to be there, can still be felt even through the most gentlest of touches

My marriage has been described as "cold and aristocratic" which annoys my husband and makes me, and our children, laugh. How very blind.

You simply can not judge merely by appearances, people.

Which is part of what the OP is doing.

Glad to hear it has improved epic! And isn't it amazing how as a youngling you think "special" or "romantic" is flowers, chocolates, a dinner by candle light on the balcony of paris during a full moon. Yet then as you grow and a relationship matures, something so simple as waking up to a clean house or freshly finished laundry can just make you feel great lol.

Or maybe I'm just weird :rolleyes:

Well a womans job is to clean so its just obvious that it would be nice that she gets a vacation ROFL!

[QUOTE=Ducy;269047]Well a womans job is to clean so its just obvious that it would be nice that she gets a vacation ROFL![/QUOTE]

So thought I in my late 20s. I grew up believing that mom's took care of all things inside the house and dads took care of things outside the house {yard work and repairs). Now married, both of us working, living in a brand new apartment building, I had nothing to do! :D

I remember vividly the evening my secure little life came crashing down upon me when my wife asked if I could dust and vacuum. I said "yes" and she then said "well, why don't you straighten up the living room, dust, and then vacuum?" Duh...well, thought I, isn't that your job? I was never taught and it never dawned on me that managing a household was a joint venture. You don't want to know her reply to my thought.

That was an eye-opening lesson that the times they were a changin' and one my wonderful parents never taught me because she was a stay at home mother who worked out of the house part time. It was then and there that I learned that relationships are partnerships and each of us takes care of whatever the work there is that needs to be done, inside or outside. (The same goes for doing laundry and meal preparation.)

[quote=epicsexy]I never did talk to him, but he figured it out on his own I woke up to a spotless house, clean laundry, and he took me to my favorite diner. He said I looked stressed out and wanted me to know he appreciates me, best day I've had in a long time I did however manage to casually throw in something I read "When I wake up each morning I ask myself what can I do today to make my wife's (or husband's) life better?" ever since we have been doing little things for each other. It's amazing how a little appreciation can make you want to do so much for someone. [/quote]

Well, girl, it sounds like your man had the epiphany I never did. Please give the lad a BIG "attaboy". Here's to the rest of your life....

BTW, to everyone reading this thread, last night we went to a musical performance and public dance held at a large art gallery here in Sacramento. It was held outside in the courtyard with a five piece band that we really like. Most of the audience did not dance and just sat and enjoyed the lively high energy music for two plus hours. The couple dozen of us who did dance had a great time, also.

When we were getting ready to go, I was asked if I wanted to take "me" or "Jody"--her alter ego. Since it had been several months since I had danced with "Jody", I asked if she minded if Jody and I went. She said no because she had a hard day at work and would just stay home and unwind. (Jody has a different hairdo (actually just a wig) so looks very similar.) When we arrived and met friends, I spoke up and reintroduced Jody to them so they could be a part of the game. So, for the entire evening, including the drive to and from, Jody and I carried on. What fun! This is just one more way a couple can play, have fun, and, spice up the romance aspect of a relationship.