Met a transgendered woman and not sure if I will be cheating on my male partner

[Aphrodite_66]

I recently met a transgender woman on the internet and we have begun to start a friendship which might lead to more in the future.She was obviously born male and I am not sure if she has had a sex change or intends to.I am a bisexual woman with a wonderful male partner who is very understanding and accepting of me wanting to be with a woman.

I am not a judgemental person and accept people as they come.My new friend has always felt more comfortable around females,dresses as one and likes participating in female hobbies such as knitting and sewing.Plenty of males do this,I know my partner does as he raised his two daughters on his own for a few years after he and his ex separated.

What I want to know is can it be considered cheating on my male partner if my friend and I start a sexual relationship.I have told him that I have made friends with a transgendered woman ,but not much else.We have made a tentative date for a few weeks time and if we just stay friends I will be fine with that.But I promised my partner that I would not sleep with another male and he trusts me.I don't want to break that trust as he is being so accommodating of my bisexuality.I want to date as many women as I can to find the right one for my special girlfriend.And I feel that I will be discriminating if I excluded my transgendered friend from that.But if she still has a penis I really don't know what I am going to do,especially if we become attracted to each other.

Do I just have anal sex?,as it is something my partner is scared of trying for fear of hurting me,although I told him that I like it a little rough sometimes,and I only like anal sex occasionally any way.Do we just kiss and caress each other?.Or should I not enter into a sexual relationship with my friend at all.I really don't want to hurt her feelings,nor do I want to go against my male partners wishes of not sleeping with another man.

[Brandye]

You are getting way ahead of yourself again. You do not even know if she "has one" or not and you have jumped to the idea of anal sex. If his is gone, that is moot. You may end up with a cuppa and no more; you may have the lay of your life on the table. Meet the women; get some facts; determine if you even like her or have enough in common to have a conversation. Then, you can explore alternatives. Rein in your imagination and deal with what becomes real.

[Firmus]

I don't mean to sound callus, but it seems you're making this situation way harder than it would need to be. If you're looking to start off with your first woman/woman experience it would seem to me you'd want the least complicated experience possible, just for the fact that you can enjoy it properly. That way you don't miss half of it worrying about degrees of masculinity that are left over or whatnot, and how that affects your partner.

[Aphrodite_66]

I have already been with a woman physically,and yes I may be jumping the gun a little but I just want others opinions of what I should do if the opportunity arises.As I said earlier I don't want to discriminate against anyone on the basis of sexuality and gender.And I don't want to cheat on my partner either,and I am not jumping into any ideas of anal sex or anything else for that matter.I am just questioning my position and options if anything may happen in future.If we just end up as coffee buddies then I will be happy to have a new friend.

[RedRoses]

I think that you should decide upon such definitions within your relationship. Sometimes unforeseen and vague boundaries may appear. No big deal, it happens. This is just one of those. I'd just ask my partner what he thinks, if I were you. You'll be clear on this whatever the present or possible future situations may be.

And btw; there's also a chance that as a transgender woman with a penis, she doesn't want to use her penis. So don't assume your friend's liking either

[Aphrodite_66]

Thanks RR,yes I will discuss it with my partner.I have been very honest and open with him up to this point.And yes I will have to get to know my new friend better and wait and see what happens in future,and discuss if we are going to explore our friendship more deeply.I do think that she prefers her female persona to her past male one as she prefers to be called by a feminine name and likes to be thought of as being a woman.I do tend to let my imagination get the better of me,but I am just trying to think of the bigger picture.

[dancingdoc2]

I answered this question just a few days ago.

For "cheating" to occur, there must be a legally binding marriage contract in hand. See page 2 of this thread.

Because this individual is your boyfriend, significant other, or, partner, there is no contract; therefore, all you can be guilty of is infidelity. Now, having said this, why not have a chat and discuss what is and is not acceptable behavior in your relationship?

But if she still has a penis I really don't know what I am going to do,especially if we become attracted to each other.

Do I just have anal sex?,as it is something my partner is scared of trying for fear of hurting me,although I told him that I like it a little rough sometimes,and I only like anal sex occasionally any way.Do we just kiss and caress each other?.Or should I not enter into a sexual relationship with my friend at all.I really don't want to hurt her feelings,nor do I want to go against my male partners wishes of not sleeping with another man.

Whatever happened to fooling around and making out like teenagers used to do back in the "dark ages"? I remember all of us making out on the swing, the haystack, the loft in the barn, one of our beds, the back seat of the car or bed of the station wagon.... As we did we began by kissing and caressing shoulders, the upper torso, later the abdomen, the legs, and sometime later in our familiarity with each other--slipping a hand down a bra etc.

Why not read the articles listed in the Index that explains how to make out and just follow each others lead. Sex? Anal? You have much to learn regardless of the gender of your partner. These activities come later, not sooner. Don't place the cart before the horse, yet more importantly--know why.

[Aphrodite_66]

Thanks DD2,yes I did chat to my partner about getting to know my new friend.He isn't too sure about it really.He said that he is concerned about my safety,but I get the impression that my friend being trans gendered is what he has an issue with.He hasn't said that I can't date her and is leaving it up to me to decide.I even said that if he is that worried he can covertly follow me to my date and observe from a reasonable distance.He can be my safe person on the lookout for me so to speak.He never voiced any similar concerns in regards to me dating a female by birth.Btw I thought "cheating" and "infidelity" were the same.

[Firmus]

Out of curiosity, were the other women found under similar circumstances (ie. internet)? I ask because if not maybe that's more where the apprehension is coming from? Seems society has turned into a "fear everyone", especially internet people.

[Aphrodite_66]

@Firmus,yes they were,and I get the feeling that my partner is very uncomfortable with me being with my friend not because she is a woman but that she used to be a man.He finds this transition somewhat weird.My friend was married and has children but has chosen to now live life as a woman.I can see my partner's viewpoint as he is genuinely concerned for my safety.A recent incident in the state where we live in which a woman was kidnapped by a man she met on the internet has been on his mind.The woman was found safe and well but a ransom was demanded from her family and a shallow grave had been dug.The man involved is in police custody.