Getting confused

[rx189ez8]

For the past 10 years of my life I've felt really out of place in my body and since high school I really knew something was off. Around 3 years ago I first started to think I might be transgender.

I'm biologically female and I like men, but I feel extremely uncomfortable about my appearance. I'm not sure if I'm actually transgender or not because I'm perfectly okay with sexual activity downstairs albeit I prefer anal to vaginal sex, but I don't like when my breasts are touched. I hate the way my body looks and I try to dress masculine but binding my chest is extremely uncomfortable and often times painful.

This school year one of my international exchange student friends is an FtM transgender. He had only told 2 people before me so when we're in a group I refer to him with female pronouns. I've also told him about myself, mentioning that I'm not really sure what I am. He's a straight FtM, thus interested in women. Over the past couple weeks our relationship has turned into more than just friends.

At first we just occasionally held hands when no one was looking. During one party while we were both drinking, he started kissing me after pulling me into my room. I thought at first it was just because of the alcohol and didn't really think much of it. He stayed the night in my room, we made out a bit and went to sleep.

Since then there's been a few more occasions in which he has spent the night here, most of the time after partying, thus alcohol was involved. However, two nights ago he stayed here while sober. We kissed a little bit and slept together.

Last night he also stayed over after partying. We made out a bit then fell asleep. This morning when we woke up we goofed around a bit and soon it got a bit more serious, he fingered me. Due to him being biologically female that's all we did.

I like him but I know he can't be thinking of me as male. I enjoy being with him despite the boob grabbing but because of him, I'm getting more confused about myself. I know I can't be with him forever (he returns to his home country in 2 months) but am I getting confused because I'm actually just a tomboy that really hates her boobs or is it because I'm a guy trapped in this body?

[Brandye]

There is no way to tell. Before any responsible doctor will address the issue will require a year or so of rather intense psychological counselling. We all go through periods of liking/disliking our own bodies and most women have bi-curious thoughts from time to time. Some women simply do not enjoy breast play. Your rather direct contact over the past few months has things stirred up in your head.

Let her go home and let things settle down. If, after a few months, the same issues are top of your list, seek counselling.

[rx189ez8]

Thank you for your input Brandye.

I know that I really don't like my breasts and I've contemplated surgery for years to reduce the size from D-cup to a smaller size, or to completely get rid of them. Simply not liking my breasts definitely does not mean that I'm transgender. I think that if I were to get a reduction surgery done, maybe I would be more comfortable with myself and be more okay with being female, though I'd still dress on the masculine side.

I'd like to seek counseling but due to my current situation, I am unable to. I will be moving out of my country to another country whose native language is not the same as my native language so it will be difficult to seek counseling there as I'm not fluent in the language (yet).