my wife wants a threesome

[byg daddy]

i've been married for 13 years and i have a great marriage. my wife and i have been having a 2.1some(they play with each other and i play with my wife) for the past 10 years. we agreed she can do everything with the girl. and recently the girl she is with my wife kinda calls her her girlfriend. but she is still very much my wife i dont feel threaten by the other girl. 2 years ago i told my wife i wanted to participate more in the threesome. but my wife says she is not comfortable seeing me do all the things she does to the other girl. i say its not fair she get to do it all and i get to do some. so should this be a issue of fairness or her comfort.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Actually, it is both.

I agree the current situation is not fair but SHE is not comfortable sharing so she is 'wrong' but she still 'wins'. Just imagine how you'd feel if the other person were male. Would you still want to share her?

Fear is what's holding her back. She fears you will enjoy this other woman more than you enjoy her. She also fears that this other woman would enjoy you more than she would enjoy her.

That you've let this go on for 10 years is a huge mistake.

The only way to conquer fear is to confront it and you do this by talking it out somewhere other than in the bedroom. Ask her WHY she feels uncomfortable and don't settle for "I just am".

[byg daddy]

omg you hit the nail on the head in everything you said. both our feelings are valid and it is unfair but she still wins. i dont understand something our relationship is not rocky at all of everybody we know we r the most stable so that confuses me as to why my wife has this fear. and i would think that since i let her have her way with the other girl that she would return the favor. i have tried to get a answer from her and she has said that she just cant picture me pleasing another woman. but then after talking about it for a while she changed her mind and said i can use my hands on the girls body no mouth anything no finger or any other part of my body in her p*s*y. the girl can do the same to me and give me oral. my wife also said maybe in the future i can do more but to wait and see how she feels after we do that. the whole fair vs. comfortablity debate is very frustating.

[RedRoses]

I can imagine quite a few situation in which it would have been "fair". I think there a lot of men who start to drool at the thought of watching 2 girls make out, not even participating I guess it's all about preference; those who like to watch & those who like to entertain. It's also frequently heard that threesomes come with very specific rules: you can touch this, don't touch that, do this, but not that... Such discussion make sure that none of the parties leaves filled with disappointment. Whenever two such persons with compatible preferences meet in marriage, it's a perfect match, I'd say But apparently something slipped with you two.

I'd like to ask you: How extensively did you talk this over before you started? Did she know your desires from the start? Did you (perhaps) agree on not seeing them fulfilled?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point fingers, cause that surely won't help anyone. Just trying to view the situation in a possible different light Cause your phrase: "and i would think that since i let her have her way with the other girl that she would return the favor" makes me feel that you simply assumed from the start what was going to happen next. While perhaps your wife thinks that you both set out the rules clearly, and "suddenly" you try to change those? From that point of view: it comes as a surprise and she needs to rethink things through. For her this is about new wishes added to the existing situation. Now it seems unfair to you because it is a desire that was lingering all the time... But is it really "unfair" from her point of view?

Thinking of it in terms of fairness may also make things harder then they should be... cause with being accused of being "unfair" also brings "guilt" to the arena. And the "danger" to start making it up for it. There's nothing wrong with doing something to please your partner. Exchanging gifts is beautiful! But once it becomes a gift to make up for something, while hiding discomfort towards your partner, it leaves a bitter taste... Not saying this will happen, but there's a risk... While the answer should be to calmly communicate about the things. Honestly and openly discussing you're dreams and fears. As communication is the key to everything in your relationship. And since you're in steady long term relationship, don't worry to much; you'll do fine!

[byg daddy]

I'd like to ask you: How extensively did you talk this over before you started? Did she know your desires from the start? Did you (perhaps) agree on not seeing them fulfilled?
at first i did want to just watch but after a while it looked like alot of fun so i told her i wanted to play. she got very mad at me and was up set i had those thoughts of being with another girl so we did nothing for a couple of years. then i convince her again i was cool with just watching (when i really wanted to play) after that went on for a year i told her again i wanted to play she got mad again and our twosome sex was rocky for a couple of month but we talked it out. and now she has agreed to my limited play.

For her this is about new wishes added to the existing situation. Now it seems unfair to you because it is a desire that was lingering all the time... But is it really "unfair" from her point of view?
you are right it is not unfair from her stand point i guess i want to renegoitiate the 3some contract.

[EvilEvilKitten]

In ANY alternative situation, it is the person who feels uncomfortable (regardless of gender) that "rules". This is because those who give a damn about each other do not seek to hurt each other - think of this as "proof of love".

There is nothing wrong with taking it slowly but there is everything wrong with not owning up to what precisely you want - buddy, you lied to your wife and for that lack of courage (honesty requires courage) you should feel shame.

I strongly encourage you to go at your wife's pace. As her comfort level increases, she will, most likely, grant increased access. Do not just jump in and renegotiate now - ASK if you can renegotiate the threesome contract and give her time to think it over - a day or two.

As part of this renegotiation, you should ask her about her fantasies, if there is something else she'd like to try. A bit of "give and take" now might bring rich rewards later. Patience is the key.

[Brandye]

Didn't I just respond to this same thing? Do not double post.