Outed by other people?

[broseph]

Anyone got a suggestion on a course of action suitable for the following situation;

Your a young, rather popular, closet gay guy and you start texting and speaking on AIM with someone who you suspect is gay, after a little flirting and stuff the guy decides to join in and you have some dirty sex talk and now the moment has passed and your shit scared he is going to out you.

You know he wants to carry things on and you yourself also want things to carry on, you want to take it further maybe, share pics (no face ofcourse) but your worried that if you go on cam, speak on AIM, etc. That he'll print screen and save the picture of you on cam to him and may use it against you or he'll show someone the chat logs.

Both of us in question are 18.

I don't want anyone advising me to break it off if I don't trust him. Any suggestions?

[Mr. Saint]

Come out, problem solved.

[broseph]

Very thought through, sensible, suggestion. Deserves an equal answer, no.

That's not an option, not right now.

[dancingdoc2]

Do you or do you not trust him?

If you do not, then what course of action would you want to have next?

I recommend that the two of you get together and have a discussion or two at a time when the two of you are not planning on becoming romantic and then discussing what you want from a relationship, what he wants, and what each of you foresees for yourselves while dating. Define the relationship.

A relationship and this includes the sexual aspect of one is a partnership in which we work together in order to have something greater than the sum of its two parts. In the short term, do not define your friendship sexually; instead, work on broadening and deepening the friendship. Do this and the sexual aspect if there is to be one will pretty much take care of itself.

This is the same course of action I would recommend for a heterosexual couple. If a couple cannot find common ground and interests, what good is the sex unless it is to be just lust and getting your collective rocks off?

[broseph]

Its not so much a relationship, its mostly just about sex. But I feel he may want to come out and might think if he outs us both there won't be such a bad reaction for him to take alone.

[Mr. Saint]

I am about your age and it was not that long ago that I was in high school and had a gay fling of my own, I’m bi not gay. When dealing with a secret like this that you think is going to come out you have two options in my mind. You either get enough leverage against the people that can blow your cover that if they chose to burn you, you can burn them worse. Mutual assured destruction, if you go down then they go down. Or you go with damage control and make it no longer a secret. Trust me it is a lot better if you have control over who finds out when. Now I do live in a farley liberal state so I don’t have experience with real bigotry but this is what I found to be true.

[broseph]

Bigotry is what this city is based around, not historically, just stereotypically. Its not a good diea to be out here.

[dancingdoc2]

OK, sex is good. Getting your rocks off with someone can be.

As for trust, it must be earned. If you are worried that he may out you, then there is no respect so to some degree, there is a relationship. You have to define the relationship and each of your contributions to it. For you, it means what happens between you stays between you. You never talk to others about what intimate things happen, nor do you gossip. If he does not respect your position then you have a decision to make.

Talk to each other about all this and what I stated earlier. Talk means in person, no text messaging or E-mail, or telephoning.

[broseph]

Sounds good, but heres a twist.

We've never met, we know each other through mutual friends and we've only text each other/spoke on AIM. We may meet though, depends if we can get this issue resolved.

[dancingdoc2]

You are placing the cart before the horse.

People are often not what they seem particularly when hidden behind a computer screen.

Make an appointment to meet each other in a cafe where the door swings both ways. If you like each other initially, then continue the conversation a bit longer and end with a decision to meet again then set a date and time. Do this a few times and gain some insight about each other. You cannot do this writing letters and notes back and forth.

If the meeting does not go as hoped, no harm no foul. If the initial meeting works out well then go for a few more and learn more about each other. If you want just a sexual relationship with each other then you will have a much better feel for his character and personality than if you only write back and forth. Besides, writing before meeting is what you have done, now get down to the personal stuff. If you continue to write you just delay the inevitable whatever it might be.