Outed by other people?

[smallestoftheclan]

I suggest, in the future, you use a different screen name if you are afraid of being outed. And having total trust in anyone that you have let know is probably the most important thing before letting them know.
And as with anything over the internet, once that picture is out there it is out there it never totally goes away. So if you don't want someone to know something, such as what you look like naked, then don't post it. You can do a search off a computer and see where it has been, and well if a search shows up a visit to a homosexual website then it is what it is.
If you are outed, then hold your head high. Big deal, and so attitude. In today's society I think being gay is much more accepted than it was say 20 or 30 years ago. If people are your true friends than straight, bi or gay should not make a difference. You need to decide is it better to come out or to be outed.
My question is if you find out someone is gay would you rather hear it from them or from someone outing them. And why?

[dancingdoc2]

Originally Posted by broseph

Sounds good, but heres a twist.

We've never met, we know each other through mutual friends and we've only text each other/spoke on AIM. We may meet though, depends if we can get this issue resolved.

What happened to the telephone? It is much better than letter writing or texting at gauging what people are like. Talk to each other on the phone and set up a meeting at a restaurant. You can meet for coffee or whatever and sit at a table and talk for as long as it seems productive. Both of you get an opportunity to see if you might be right for each other.

Even if all you and he want is sex, know that it will be much better if you have some "chemistry" between you. As good as masturbation is and as turned on as you become, it is going to be much more intense if you like and enjoy and have a connection with your partner. So, while you may not want a "relationship", you do have to have some sense of togetherness for the sex to be better than what you can do while home alone.

After talking on the phone and getting a feel for each other, set up a meeting. If either of you wants to leave after awhile, it is easy to do. If you are enjoying each others company, great. Once at the meeting if you are not around other patrons, and you feel comfortable talking with him, then discuss the matter of privacy. If you believe you can trust him, then give him some tidbit of nonessential information and see if he gossips to your mutual friends. If he does, case closed. If he does not, give him more trust. If he agrees that privacy (his and yours) is critical then make the decision to do something together and see how he is in a social situation. If you are comfortable with each other in these activities, then decide whether or not to up the ante' and fool around and make out, first, before working up to a hand job and/or oral or more.

You will be happier and much more pleased if you follow a somewhat traditional approach even if it is abbreviated than if you just get naked and grab each others seat of pleasure instead of your own.

[sera300]

Originally Posted by broseph

Sounds good, but heres a twist.

We've never met, we know each other through mutual friends and we've only text each other/spoke on AIM. We may meet though, depends if we can get this issue resolved.

I would use ALL caution...you are young & never met this guy? How do you know he is not some freak or sex offender????

Have him call you on a cell number which you can change & be careful at what you are doing. Picking up guys on the net who appear to be gay??? That is damned dangerous, sorry but true. You think you know who he is; what if he is not? This is how people get physically hurt.

[dancingdoc2]

Sera, I presume from this that these mutual friends have told the two a bit about each. If not, then, YES, absolutely be cautious and careful using your recommendations.

[sera300]

I don't know since why have they not run into the other if having a good friend in common? And how well do both know this friend & for how long?

I worry over someone setting the other up to get into, sorry to say, "gay bashing". I would really make certain you both know the mutual friend well and for sometime. And that you both are trusting of the friend in common. If this is a new friend; someone who you recently met; I would use caution.

However, I would not be concerned with being "found out"...why? You eventually will be out of the closet. Better off to tell the truth then to be found by friends or family. I am assuming you are very certain of your sexuality & not attracted to women?

Look through your family & your friends; anyone who does not accept you if you are honest; is not your friend. If you lie though; this may annoy many more since they will feel you were deceitful from the beginning.

If a good friend of mine came to me and said she was gay or attracted to other women, or if it was a man attracted to a man, I would be happy they figured it out. However, lie to me? I get upset. I can accept much but lies are tough and they compound. Often, people are not taken back by your discovery, it's if you covered it up, and later told the truth.

[sera300]

What I don't get is you state coming out is "not an option" and yet you engaged in this sex chat...which is printable. And yet you want to go forward as a closet gay & have a chat or fling? I thought on another thread you said you were bi? [I may be wrong] but you have entered the point of assumable risks. All you need to do is be honest; and you & any partner safe in various ways. You are already engaging is risky behavior...

Unfortunately, you have put yourself in both worlds--1/2 in and 1/2 out through what you have IM'd. Now, have to choose which side you want. Until you face this; this matter will resurface until YOU come to resolve with it. Why is it not possible to come out? What are you so afraid of? Perhaps some here can help you if you explain...since they have been through the same.

[DVDBear]

As long as you're in the closet you're vulnerable and open to be outed. Most likely won't happen but as Sera mentioned there's a lot of hurtful people out there that get off on screwing with others. I can understand if you're in a geographic region that's homophobic, but if you want to engage in secretive meetings you're at risk and decide if it's worth it to you. Frankly, what you're describing sounds dangerous to me, especially if all your mutual friends are not aware of your orientation.

[aamilne]

The dancingdoc2 is very sage - though compliments come easy from behind a comp screen :-). Being erotically intimate is a component of emotional relationships. Call me old fashioned, but emotional relationships can't be created, unless you see, hear, study, touch and judge each other. The finger on the keyboard is not the brush across someones cheek. You cannot reasonably trust someone without meeting (and, be honest, negotiating) with them - quite a lot.

So the slow sequence of meets, in public places, where the audience doesn't really care what you say to each other, with plenty of room for polite exits, and no hostages to fortune. Classic advice, and correct. Hope it goes well. And whatever your sexual preferences, the world rarely collapses just because you and someone don't make it together. Maybe tears at bedtime, but not the end of the world.

Hey, take a walk in the park, and just ask, "may I put my arms around u and kiss u, even if we never go further?"

PS. You initially said, with a breezy air: "I don't want anyone advising me to break it off if I don't trust him". That's what I call trying to avoid the truth of what u already know is the correct advice. Ha, if I could tell u an infalible technique for detemining how much someone could be trusted....

I suppose you could just cut to the chase when in person. Ask him if he's ever spilt the beans on someone he's passionately kissed or lain down naked with, even when the other person had asked him to be discrete, explicitly and beforehand. As u ask, watch for those tell tale eye glances and hand fidgets. If he doesn't answer straight away and objects to the directness of the question, then this is not a person to share yourself with. I like that as a gambit, 'cause its a real test of character and agility.

Oh, and he must have some friends u know, and can gently play to check out his reliability. They can't all be utterly loyal to him, and know that you and he might become an item. Personally, if u have a lot to loose, but no way of getting a second opinion on someone, then perhaps the gracious exit...