Help: first gay sex with boyfriend who was raped

[AngelSenshi]

I’ll just start by saying that I’m not AngelSenshi. She’s my friend, I’m sleeping over and she was helping me out with a problem and she thought that I should come on here and ask the lot of you for advice.

This isn’t the sort of stuff I’d usually do since I don’t like asking people about things like this but I really need the help and I’m hoping someone will help.

I’m a guy,17, and my boyfriend is 16, going on 17. My boyfriend, who I’ve been with for about six months now, was raped as a kid by older men and went on as a teenager. Now we’ve come to the point where we plan on having sex for the first time and I really need some help in the area. It’s not that I don’t know what to do because I know the general rules. I’ve done the research like a good boyfriend should; a) always use lubricant, a real lot because you can never use enough; b) be really slow, I understand that it could take even up to twenty minutes for full-penetration, even the chance that full-penetration isn’t possible on the first time; c) decent amount of preparation before; d) always accept it when they say ‘stop’ or ‘slow down’

The thing is, that even with all that, I feel like I’m missing a lot more. I’ll be careful, certainly! But I’m just nervous that it’ll hurt him more than necessary so I was hoping that someone could give me some pointers on how to make this as pleasurable and as easy for him as possible. I think more than nervous of the first sexual act itself, I’m more nervous about hurting him. I think it’s just that the first time should be special, it cant always be perfect but it should be special and because he’s been violated I feel I should make it even more special, does that even make sense?

We’ve talked about it so he knows what we’re doing and such but I know he’s like that, he’ll sometimes put on a brave face or he just doesn’t understand the extremity of the situation. He says he’s ready, and I don’t doubt it in the slightest, but I still want to be extra careful and ready if he’ll be upset. The rapes only ended almost two years ago so wounds could still be fresh.

Also, another question; I was told that if we did it in a bath it would make things a bit easier on him. I’m not sure but I’ve just heard that it’d make him feel less dirty, it acts as another source of warmth and even though a proper lubricant will be used it apparently helps in that department too. What do you think?

I’m sorry for the sort of essay. It’s just that we plan to do this sometime in the following week and I just want to be really prepared for this. Some help for this will really be appreciated, I’ve never asked someone I didn’t know personally before but I felt that some people where I live couldn’t give me the right answers. Help is extremely appreciated.

[DVDBear]

First of all, congratulations on your sensitivity. It's refreshing to see someone your age so concerned with your partner's comfort to the level you've expressed.

You've covered most of the essentials, except mentioning using a condom. Don't forget.

One thing I'm unclear on from your post . . . . have you two been having oral sex and mutual masturbation before now? If not I would suggest starting there. Anal doesn't have to be included right away. Get to know each other's body signals and learn what he enjoys and how he enjoys it.

If you have been doing the above and honestly feel it's time to introduce anal sex, start with slowly entering him with a finger (be absolutely sure your nails are clipped down). It's less of a challenge and helps him acclimate to the feeling. It also allows his sphincter to relax. The first time you might not even get to actual intercourse. That's fine, you've got plenty of time.

His history of sexual abuse can be a real issue, and I hope he's getting some professional help with it. Make sure he's not agreeing to this because he wants to please you or thinks you'll be disappointed if it's not included. Be patient, and if it doesn't come to pass take stock of how important that particular activity is to you . . . . many gay relationships don't even include it because of one or the other partner's dislike of anal. There are plenty of ways to have a satisfying sexual relationship without it.

[AngelSenshi]

Originally Posted by DVDBear

First of all, congratulations on your sensitivity. It's refreshing to see someone your age so concerned with your partner's comfort to the level you've expressed.

You've covered most of the essentials, except mentioning using a condom. Don't forget.

One thing I'm unclear on from your post . . . . have you two been having oral sex and mutual masturbation before now? If not I would suggest starting there. Anal doesn't have to be included right away. Get to know each other's body signals and learn what he enjoys and how he enjoys it.

If you have been doing the above and honestly feel it's time to introduce anal sex, start with slowly entering him with a finger (be absolutely sure your nails are clipped down). It's less of a challenge and helps him acclimate to the feeling. It also allows his sphincter to relax. The first time you might not even get to actual intercourse. That's fine, you've got plenty of time.

His history of sexual abuse can be a real issue, and I hope he's getting some professional help with it. Make sure he's not agreeing to this because he wants to please you or thinks you'll be disappointed if it's not included. Be patient, and if it doesn't come to pass take stock of how important that particular activity is to you . . . . many gay relationships don't even include it because of one or the other partner's dislike of anal. There are plenty of ways to have a satisfying sexual relationship without it.

Thanks for the info, it helps. As for the oral and mutual masturbation, I give him oral sometimes and he's really really sensitive to it, at least he reacts well and so I understand his body signals by now. With him, he just gives me handjobs and massages really, mostly because he's had bad experiences going down on his abusers so I always tell him he doesn't have to do it and so he doesn't.

I understand that the first few times intercourse may not be entirely possible but I feel it was better to say something like "We'll try it on..." and set a date, rather than it being entirely spontaneous and him feeling like he was unprepared. So we sort of set a time and we'll just work from there. As for the entering a finger, we've done a bit of that before, just to get him used to it a bit but we haven't done all that much of it because eventually he starts to burn up either with embarassment or just general memories entering his mind.

We've been discussing this for a long time, and I've made sure that it's clear that he doesn't need to do this to please me. But, in all honesty, even if he did want to do it just to please me, he wouldn't manage so I really think that he is being genuine in wanting this so that he can finally face his fear. I'm quite protective of him so if I thought that he was only agreeing just to please me then I wouldn't do it. And if at anytime it gets too much for him, even if he insists he's fine, I'll stop because its a fact, some guys just try to put on a brave face.

And also; condoms, always so don't worry, I've got that covered too. If you think of anything else please don't hesitate to tell me, or else my friend will tell me if you added anything (since this is her account afterall). Gah, I'm going nuts here with worry so any help at all is appreciated.

Though now I've been told a lot about that bath idea, apparently it's a good idea but I'm still not sure. I don't know, maybe it's because so many people associate the bed with the act of losing virginity and such.

Thanks again for the help. It's comforting to know I haven't forgotten much, and that at least I'm doing things right so far.

[DVDBear]

You're welcome, and good luck.

The only thing I'd add is by your posts I can tell your (and most likely his) anxiety levels are quite high about this. Anxiety and anal sex don't mix very well (actually it doesn't help ANY sexual activity) so try to not to build it up to a high level of importance. I know it's the first time and you'd like it to be special, but if your worry level is great you'll be asking for performance problems. Have you ever topped anyone before? It's not quite what most people expect (at least it wasn't what I expected). Try to keep your expectation levels realistic and definitely don't be disappointed if it's not what you hoped.

As far as the bath or shower idea, I think it's a good one (at least for foreplay). It's a relaxing environment. As for actually performing anal in that situation, well, physical limitations can come into play. You're basically stuck with doggie-style standing, and that may or may not work. I've had good and not so good results, depending on how hung the other guy is, our heights and so on.

Again, good luck and I hope it works out.

[AngelSenshi]

Originally Posted by DVDBear

You're welcome, and good luck.

The only thing I'd add is by your posts I can tell your (and most likely his) anxiety levels are quite high about this. Anxiety and anal sex don't mix very well (actually it doesn't help ANY sexual activity) so try to not to build it up to a high level of importance. I know it's the first time and you'd like it to be special, but if your worry level is great you'll be asking for performance problems. Have you ever topped anyone before? It's not quite what most people expect (at least it wasn't what I expected). Try to keep your expectation levels realistic and definitely don't be disappointed if it's not what you hoped.

As far as the bath or shower idea, I think it's a good one (at least for foreplay). It's a relaxing environment. As for actually performing anal in that situation, well, physical limitations can come into play. You're basically stuck with doggie-style standing, and that may or may not work. I've had good and not so good results, depending on how hung the other guy is, our heights and so on.

Again, good luck and I hope it works out.

Well seemingly the anxiety levels are high more on my end i think since I'm just generally worried about hurting him and such but I'm like this a lot really, up until the actually time it happens I get nervous and then when it gets to the actually thing I'm focused. And yeah, I topped once before.

And it's not a shower, its a bath. Basically, its filling the bath it up just a little with hot water. It adds warmth(you'd think you wouldn't need it but people who occasionally have flashbacks of rape tend to start feeling cold), it eases their minds in the department of feeling too dirty, warm water is relaxing, and it also adds to lubrication(even though we'd still use KY)

Again, thanks for all the help. It's really appreciated.

[Brandye]

There are many things same sex partners can do leading up to anal penetration. Naturally, we women do not get to that. You each have two hands, a mouth with proper parts and entire bodies. Why rush it. DVDBear certainly gives the best advice for your sitruation of any regular here.

I advise all new to sex to go slow - whether hetero- or homo-sexual. Build the trust and the threat level goes way down.

[AngelSenshi]

Originally Posted by Brandye

There are many things same sex partners can do leading up to anal penetration. Naturally, we women do not get to that. You each have two hands, a mouth with proper parts and entire bodies. Why rush it. DVDBear certainly gives the best advice for your sitruation of any regular here.

I advise all new to sex to go slow - whether hetero- or homo-sexual. Build the trust and the threat level goes way down.

I know that there's more that same-sex partners could do leading up to anal sex and honestly, I'd be more than happy to work my way around it until I'm certain he's ready for it. I'm still young and so is he, we're in no hurry, that's why I'm not rushing him.

Thanks for your input

[Gorgeous Mistake]

I apologize if this question has already been addressed and I happened to miss it, but has your boyfriend ever been to a psychologist? Just to reassure he is fine and has no permanent mental trauma?

Also, why doesn't he try it on you? As in you recieve the penetration? Maybe this would help with his comfort level having sex if he first tries it on you.

[ST4C3Y]

I have to agree with Gorgeous Mistake, perhaps giving him control of the situation will make him feel a bit more comfortable.