How do I know if I'm really a lesbian?

[CrazyJenny]

So, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time last night (see my other thread). Even with all the emotional experimenting I've done in the past six weeks, I'm still confused. I can accept that I'm bisexual, because I have feelings for girls, but how do I know for sure?

My problem - I've never been attracted to men. Not once have I ever looked at a guy and thought "That's cute" or anything else. And I don't really like the thought of having a penis inside me But I'm not really attracted to girls either, except for my girlfriend (and also whatever pretty female I think of in my imagination).

So, for those of you who are lesbians, how did you figure it out? Am I a lesbian, or am I just not into people in general?

[CrazyJenny]

Oh, yeah, and I guess it's worthwhile to mention that I don't know how my parents would feel about it. I'm almost 21, other than my girlfriend I've never dated anyone, and I was a virgin until last night. My parents never talked with me much about sex, and I'm not sure if they would be angry with my orientation.

[sera300]

I'm not gay or bi but what I have been told, it's which gender you find emotionally & physically attracted to, the one you form the best bonds with, & the most satisfied with the relationships with (sexual and non-sexual). If you have never found a man attractive, tend to say you are gay. But you should find out for yourself.

As far as parents, YOU have to live your life and be happy...not them be happy with your sexuality! I am sure someone who can answer this better, from personal experience, will respond!

[DVDBear]

Originally Posted by CrazyJenny

My problem - I've never been attracted to men. Not once have I ever looked at a guy and thought "That's cute" or anything else. And I don't really like the thought of having a penis inside me But I'm not really attracted to girls either, except for my girlfriend (and also whatever pretty female I think of in my imagination).

So, for those of you who are lesbians, how did you figure it out? Am I a lesbian, or am I just not into people in general?

Your fantasies are one of the most telling features. If your sexual fantasies are mostly about women I'd say that's an excellent indicator you're gay.

It certainly was for me being gay before I even had any sexual encounters.

[Brandye]

I am actively bi- and have been since I was fifteen. I still do not "know,: Parts of my life were lived heterosexually (living with a man) and parts, homosexually. Today my primary relationship is with another bi- woman and we each do have some male friends - not often but once in a while and with some heavy rules attached.

I do not believe I know any lesbians who are virgins. The ones I know have at least tried heterosexual sex. As for Bear's comment on fantasy, I think that is generally a good indicator, BUT, virtually all my masturbation fantasy is with males. And it is usually more romantic than specifically sexual. Perhaps the loss of a fiance, violently, leaves me shaken; perhaps the discovery young that two women can do for each other better than the young men we had been seeing confused me. I do not know.

What I am saying, Jenny, is that your sexual identity evolves and no one other than you can really say what it is. We women have some great advantages over men and the data seem to indicate that more of us do homosexual exploration than men. Live it and see what happens. Your concern for your parents feelings is admirable but needs no action as yet. If you are still single, or have a definite answer, in a few years you will be ready to tell them and will likely find out that they "knew."

STop trying to figure it out and let it unfold.

[BTDTWoman]

I have known virgin lesbians (and one bisexual woman of 37 who has been sexually active with one man for 10 years) who have never experienced vaginal penetration and don't plan to. But it is true that most lesbians have had sex with a guy at some point in their lives, maybe because gender socialization and our ideas about motherhood demand it of us.

It is not unusual for lesbians to have sexual fantasies about men, or for gay men to fantasize about sex with women, or for straight people to fantasize about people of their own sex. What you fantasize about often does not match what you want to do sexually in real life, but usually it will.

Some people don't have a high libido (sex drive), and some are asexual. They just don't feel much sexual desire for anyone of either sex. For some people, this is right and natural, not something that needs to be fixed. Many others are survivors of incest or sexual assault. If this is true for you, and you want to explore how to become a more sexual being on your own terms, please see a female therapist who specializes in survivors of incest and sexual assault.

Ultimately, claiming a sexual identity is all about acknowledging to ourselves what and who makes us hard and wet. If it's always other females, society calls that being a lesbian. If it's always males, society calls that being heterosexual or straight. If it's both males and females, society calls that being bisexual. If it's neither males or females, society calls that being asexual. If it's particular materials or objects or role playing that turn you on, you may be a fetishist or kinkster (into kinky nonvanilla sex play).

You can call yourself anything you feel comfortable with, and don't be limited by these sexual identity categories. Above all, don't let anybody else try to tell you what category you fit in best. You're the expert.

[CrazyJenny]

I guess I'm a lesbian then, although I may never be certain. I haven't really had fantasies about men. Only women, and only just recently. What makes me wet? My girlfriend. Maybe that's the best indicator.

[Tallman]

Stop putting yourself in a pigeon hole Jenny.

You are you, what that means is down to you to decide and live with nobody else. The important thing is you are happy with your choices, not the effects of them on others.

[CrazyJenny]

I kind of feel that I need to be pigeon-holed or labeled or something. Just saying that "I am me" doesn't do me alot of good, because it's sort of like saying an apple is an apple. Isn't that just redundant?

As for my parents, my concern isn't for them or their feelings, it's just that I have a strong fear that they will reject me. And rejection would mean being cut off from the family, and eventually not inheriting. I know it sounds selfish, but that's the way it is.

As for my girlfriend, although she's definitely a lesbian she still has contact with her family. She has yet to find anyone who loves her, and even though she's alot older than I am, I'm the first person who's wanted a relationship longer than two nights. And she's the only person I've ever desired sexually, and I'm also in love with her.

[sera300]

Some parents accept it some do not. Live your life to make you happy not your parents. If you are gay, that's what you are, end of story. You cannot try to live a straight life to make them happy nor can you marry to make them happy. It's unfair to you and more unfair to a person you would be leading into a facade. Stand up and be yourself, regardless.