A debate "bi sexuality double standard"

[madeye]

Ok so im dating a women who mildly falls into the category of bi-sexuality.

She has had sex with one woman. gone on a few dates with a few women. and kissed a handful of her attractive female friends.

and im happy to report she has fallen for me

Her sex drive and sexual needs have had a very heterosexual vibe to them.

I have felt very secure and confident that her bi-sexuality is natural and does not inhibit our relationship/potential in any way.

Ok so here comes the debate.

We were discussing alternative sexuality one night just a random conversation inspired by an episode of six feet under.

i proposed this scenario to her

"what if you were dating a man who had a similar bi-sexual past as you?"

Her answer was "never"

So I have found myself curious to what other people think about this double standard situation?

Lets try and keep this a formal and friendly debate.

[DVDBear]

It's just that . . . . a double standard. I imagine the reasoning is that woman can be more naturally bi-sexual than men . . . . that a bi-sexual man is really a gay man that hasn't completely come out. That's BS, of course . . .

What's her reasoning for her rather unfair perspective?

[sera300]

I have to agree w/DVD. I also believe society imposes part of the double standard. Two women together is viewed by men as hot; meanwhile, the same notion of two men is rejected.

[Jact]

I agree with DVDBear.

[madeye]

Her stance on this is that she is honestly and completely aware of the hypocritical and double standard she is actively supporting.

I made some of the same points as you and her final word is. "that is completely true.....doesnt mean i could honestly predict that i could ever comfortably trust a mans agenda if he has a bi-sexual past"

As narrow minded and as hypocritical it may be..... at shes honest about her feelings.....

My opinion is the only difference between a BI man and a BI woman is societies perception of their actions.

The common ideology is that a bi man is just waiting for the right man to make him gay.... and a i bi woman is just waiting for the right man to make her straight.

Seriously if you showed a person an average man and woman standing side by side, and then asked that person "both these people have a BI-Sexual past, now which one would consider to be most likely to actually be gay"

Life is not as simple as picking one or the other odviously... but the point is if your only option was to pick one or the other wouldn't you and or most people pick the guy over the women to be the most likely to be gay?

[madeye]

Ok lets take a more direct method of discussing this.

Anyone willing answer this question:

On a scale of 1-5.... how comfortable would you be in a hetorosexual relationship with a partner who has had a legitimate actively pursued bi-sexual past. (not the flaky i was drunk and did something crazy past)

[DVDBear]

Originally Posted by madeye

The common ideology is that a bi man is just waiting for the right man to make him gay.... and a i bi woman is just waiting for the right man to make her straight.

That's a very concise and well put way of summing up the misconception society seems to have. This, despite cases like Lou Diamond Phillips' wife leaving him for Melissa Etheridge (they've split up now I believe) or many others my sleepy mind can't think of at the moment. I don't know what the percentage is in these situations but I'd be surprised if it's tilted too heavily toward one sex or the other.

As to your other question of level of comfort being with someone with a bi-sexual past, I'm of course coming at it from the other direction (being gay myself) but I think the same philosophy pretty much holds. It mostly doesn't matter. A person is either going to commit to you or they're not. If they "cheat" or fall out of love with you does it really make a difference if it's for a straight or gay relationship? I guess the concern would be there are twice as many opportunities - as mentioned in one of the old Ellen Degeneres TV episodes "Bi-World has twice as many rides as Straight-World". I've never had that situation arise personally, but I don't think I'd be very concerned. Interesting question, though . . . .

[Suki2007]

Originally Posted by madeye

Ok lets take a more direct method of discussing this.

Anyone willing answer this question:

On a scale of 1-5.... how comfortable would you be in a hetorosexual relationship with a partner who has had a legitimate actively pursued bi-sexual past. (not the flaky i was drunk and did something crazy past)

As DVD said, I don't think it has anything to do with sexuality, it has everything to do with commitment in your relationship. If a person isn't going to commit to you, whether they are bi, gay or straight, they may leave you for someone else. This happens in every type of sexually oriented relationships. That is also why a lot of people cheat.

Perhaps a bit off the subject, but that type of thinking reminds me of the idea that gay people just want to have sex with everything that moves that is the same sex, whether it be a child, animal or adult. It's rediculous: a gay person isn't going to be attracted to someone just because they are the same sex, just like a straight person isn't going to be attracted to someone just because they are the opposite sex.

Sorry, I guess to answer your question (1 being lowest and 5 highest) I would say 5 because it does not have any actual cause for concern, really. And yes, I am Bi.

[learning]

If they "cheat" or fall out of love with you does it really make a difference if it's for a straight or gay relationship?

A different way to look at the above (may be valid to some and invalid to others) is that if you are loosing your partner to another who is the same sex as you, you still feel as though you can compete!! I know this may be a childish approach but at the time it makes up part of what one deems as reasonable thought process. When your partner is leaving you/or considering leaving you to enter into a "same sex" relationship you can do nothing!! You do NOT have the necessary "equipment" to compete!

I know this is looking at infidelity or the possibility of loosing a partner as physical competition and does not give due consideration to the mental and emotional support that may be at the forefront of the split......but some how it makes/made sense to me!

Many years ago, my wife considered leaving me to be with a woman (a good friend of hers whom she met up with after many years apart). She claimed that nothing sexual had occurred and the only physical contact they had had was hugging/carressing and a single kiss. Its just at the time I was devastated, I suppose my pride could also not take the possibility that she was leaving (she did not) me for a woman....again....something I could not compete with on a physical front.

As for my take on it now.....well, I do not believe it makes any difference what the sexual orientation of your partners sexual history is, as said, if you are now in a committed and loving relationship with trust at the forefront, it is that what counts.

[sera300]

I agree it's about the commitment you made to the other person. The most significant part is monogamy.

The issue arises when in my previous situation; when you cannot satisfy the other persons urge to be with the person of the same sex. It can make for a very unhappy relationship since you realize no matter what you try to do, as a woman, you are not enough and cannot meet their sexual needs.