A debate "bi sexuality double standard"

[DVDBear]

Originally Posted by learning

A different way to look at the above (may be valid to some and invalid to others) is that if you are loosing your partner to another who is the same sex as you, you still feel as though you can compete!! I know this may be a childish approach but at the time it makes up part of what one deems as reasonable thought process. When your partner is leaving you/or considering leaving you to enter into a "same sex" relationship you can do nothing!! You do NOT have the necessary "equipment" to compete!

I've heard that sentiment from women whose husbands have left them for another man. But some of them have expressed the opposite; they're relieved the relationship failed over something that was beyond their control, so it's not their fault. They couldn't provide what he was looking for. While that's true I'm not sure the problem is then the bi-sexuality however. More likely the partner IS actually gay and have come to terms with their sexuality. The men I've known from a married background swear they'll never go back to a straight relationship and were never satisfied with their previous life. I also know several guys who completely and totally love their wife and would never think of leaving her, but long for an occasional male sexual encounter . . . . they don't think of it as cheating, just "scratching a different itch". Their primary sexual outlet is still through the marriage. This seems more "bi-sexual" to me. I'm not defending it or saying it's fair to their spouse (unless she knows and doesn't mind) but it seems to fit the definition more.

[madeye]

I actually got to meet the woman my gf slept with just a few weeks ago (they had sex about 3 years ago and have remained semi distant friends since)

It was strange cause she had a similar attitude and personality as myself (just in a social way)

And i also found it to be interesting that this woman had far more masculine characteristics than feminine.

So overall it was a good experience, i spent a fair amount of time interacting with this woman one on one and had a very interesting conversation.

She did not miss the opportunity to try and catch me off guard with a psychological test in the form of a statement like this:

"Most of the the men i dated had troubles dealing with the idea that i have had sex with women"

(let me say i think she is lying... but whatever, give her the benefit of the doubt)

My response was "When i met (gfs name) i was very patient and observant to her actions and emotions towards me. I honestly believe her interest and attraction to me is authentic to the point where whatever kind of history she has merely circumstantial. Circumstances that im greatful led to me in the present."

I think that is close to word for word what i said..... i dont know sometimes i can really come up big with responses like this in strange situations.

Im glad i met her, it was a fun night.

[Brandye]

My response is selfish and demonstrates the double standard. I am an actively bisexual woman. My primary partner and I each get a little penis time a few times a year. The men are all on our "approved list." So, we are both bi- and actively so.

BUT, there is no way I would want to share a man with other men. The sociological studies of bi-sexual male behaviour indicate promiscuity and casual hookups. Bi-sexual women tend to have a, or at least fewer, partners who are better known to them. This is much less risky behaviour.

Flame away! I shall not change your mind and you shall not change mine.

[DVDBear]

Originally Posted by Brandye

My response is selfish and demonstrates the double standard. I am an actively bisexual woman. My primary partner and I each get a little penis time a few times a year. The men are all on our "approved list." So, we are both bi- and actively so.

BUT, there is no way I would want to share a man with other men. The sociological studies of bi-sexual male behaviour indicate promiscuity and casual hookups. Bi-sexual women tend to have a, or at least fewer, partners who are better known to them. This is much less risky behaviour.

Flame away! I shall not change your mind and you shall not change mine.

I have no intention of changing your mind, just commenting on your stated position.
I find it a little amusing that you appear to be in a primary lesbian relationship, but you and your partner "get a little penis" now and then. Yet you're judging that to be safer behavior than bi-men you don't know, who may or may not "statistically" have more partners than you do. I appreciate your medical background and you're well read but what is the point of your post other than to somehow promote how superior bi-women are and slam bi-men when you engage in the same behavior (no matter how well you "screen" your partners)? Safe sex is monogamous sex. Everything else is playing the odds.

My understanding of the point of this thread was whether you would be comfortable being in a relationship with a partner with a bi-sexual past, not the pros and cons of continuing bi-sexual behavior while in the relationship such as you're discussing.

You did admit your post was selfish and a double standard. At least we're in agreement there. (I will now put away my Zippo)

[Beans518]

I don't know, does she consider herself bi? I know that I have never considered myself as bi but do find women sexually attractive. I don't think I'll would be willing to share my man with another man either but that's just because I'm stingy. With a woman I can compete, I know I'm good at what I do, but a man knows exactly what another man wants so I think that it would be more competition there.OOH, but if he was doing me and my man I'd be up for that. I know I'm a CONFUSED DIRTY GIRL!

[madeye]

She considers herself to not being narrow minded based on sex.

She is very much big into having passionate love.

She went through a period where she had doubts that she would find a man that has the capability to equate the love she desired.

So she went had a small phase of being very open minded to dating women. She never found any sexual satisfaction from a women beyond a drunken make out session or a sober cuddling session.

so from the information she has shared with me i believe its more so about being into the idea of love having no gender.... than it is about having sexual urges tempting her to specifically act out on. She wants the person she loves to satisfy her sexual needs and no one else.

she still has bi-sexual fantasies that she says she has no desire to act out..... she has also mentioned other heterosexual fantasies that she also only considers to be fantasy. so far i have found no reason to doubt her credibility or honesty about any of this.

To be honest i find her perspective of love having no gender to be very uplifting and inspiring, the idea that a lot of people could miss out on an amazing relationship just cause of a fear or a close minded attitude it could be the same gender.

So maybe lets branch this off to another debate. Should gay and straight people draw those lines...... if you have seen the movie chasing amy you know where im going with this.

Do you believe someone that is predominately straight can fall in love with a same sex partner and make it work..... and vise versa?

I guess i want to throw caution to the wind and discuss to what degree are we straight or gay.....? what do you think is the ratio that these labels are circumstantial to the person you fall in love with or based solely/simply on sexual preference and desire?

[DVDBear]

Originally Posted by madeye

So maybe lets branch this off to another debate. Should gay and straight people draw those lines...... if you have seen the movie chasing amy you know where im going with this.

Do you believe someone that is predominately straight can fall in love with a same sex partner and make it work..... and vise versa?

I guess i want to throw caution to the wind and discuss to what degree are we straight or gay.....? what do you think is the ratio that these labels are circumstantial to the person you fall in love with or based solely/simply on sexual preference and desire?

Haven't seen CHASING AMY, but I know what you're referring to.

I think it's entirely possible to fall in love with anyone in a platonic sense. Maybe if the emotions are intense enough it could end up in physical love . . . . for awhile. But I don't think if you're really gay you're going to find much joy or motivation to continue having sex under those circumstances. Many gay men I know who were married for 10, 15 years or more loved their wives and still do. They had kids and kept the fascade of a straight relationship for years. But after a certain point sexual relations with their spouse became almost impossible. You can't "fool" your orientation (despite what certain Christian groups would like you to believe). You can fantasize that you're doing a sex act you find arousing while engaging in one you don't, but again it only works for so long.

Another movie reference that would address your question is BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. The movie isn't perfect but I thought it did a very good job of showing the consequences of forcing yourself to be something you're not.

[madeye]

yes broke back mountain is a good reference to this scenario cause it does take both scenarios.

A man who knew what his sexual needs and tastes were.

and a man who's sexual tastes were changed under the circumstance of falling in love with another man.

I was bringing this up not cause i think someone who is gay can actively choose not to be gay like the bible thumpers so naively push on people dumb enough to believe it....

iam more so bringing this up cause a lot of this conversation has sparked my interest in what is the typical reason for someone to fall into any category sexual preference category.... is it really always determined on your sexual desires.

couldn't a women who has always sexually desired men still fall in love with a women and find her desires to be met in a new way.

I guess your response answers the question in all and every scenario and that is simply will always be a void between falling in love and sexual needs/desire.

The story of the movie chasing amy goes against this idea, the main charector falls in love with a lesbian and she vise versa falls in love with him cause its not about gender or the sexual acts its about finding real love......

and well i guess that doesn't matter if the story were to have a sequel where 12 years later that same women who followed her heart needs sexual satisfaction from a women to be truly happy.

its kind of scary to think that you can be in love for 10+ years with one person and then find him/herself or even yourself unsatisfied with what their genders sexuality offers them/you.....

I almost feel it as an insult to judge either party in being naive enough to say this is something that would never happen to me... on either end of the spectrum

[Suki2007]

Originally Posted by Beans518

I With a woman I can compete, I know I'm good at what I do, but a man knows exactly what another man wants so I think that it would be more competition there.

Well, that's not completely true; every person is different. Just like what works for one woman doesn't necessarily work for another.

[Suki2007]

Originally Posted by madeye

Do you believe someone that is predominately straight can fall in love with a same sex partner and make it work..... and vise versa?

I guess i want to throw caution to the wind and discuss to what degree are we straight or gay.....? what do you think is the ratio that these labels are circumstantial to the person you fall in love with or based solely/simply on sexual preference and desire?

Well, I think it really depends on each peson. As DVD pointed out, for some it's near impossible to continue to perform sexually in that type of relationship. But, I think it does depend on a lot of factors. Again, with Brokeback Mountain as a reference, both men still continued to perform sexually with their wives and/or other women, but they also were having their male/male sexual needs somewhat filled. I personally think that, speaking just sexually, if they can still have their sexual needs filled, it is possible to remain in a relationship with someone of a gender they aren't primarily disposed to be with. Which brings up the other subject of monogamy. But, I think that has to do with what "percentage" they are straight or gay. I don't think that someone who has bisexual tendancies would have as much of an issue with this.