Confused about sexuality..

[Qbert]

Okay. I am a hetro, sixteen-year-old boy, and a virgin. I have a best friend named Russ, and we have been the best of buddies since our whole lives. Sometimes when Russ comes over to spend the night or otherwise, we get dressed in front of each other. We're like brothers, so we never minded. But recently, I have found myself getting strange erections, and such when near him. We started watching porn together too. I know he feels the same way about me, because of some awkwardness, and near-sex situations. But both of us are hetro! Men never turn me on otherwise I tried! But he does, in an odd way. I know it's not love, because I don't get that light feeling, it's pure lust. I've talked to others about this, and learned about "sexual tension." When you spend so much time with someone, you get sexual feelings which must be resolved before your relationship can go back to normal. Some people have said just to give up and have sex with him, just to get it over with. But I'm scared that it will ruin our relationship as friends, or since I have never had sex with a girl, it'll turn me gay.. Am I gay, or is it just sexual tension? and if it is, should we just have sex, or something? help please.

[oberon]

Well, Qbert, first of all... you're either gay or you aren't. Nothing is going to "turn you gay". Since you seem fairly certain that otherwise you only have heterosexual feelings, then- at the very most- you might be considered bisexual. I, personally, believe that there are a lot more bisexuals running around out there than you'd ever imagine. Bisexuality covers a wide range of desires and attractions. Could be that your friend is the only one you'll ever feel this way about, or maybe not. Whatever your sexual orientation, it's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

Now, as for a possible sexual encounter with your friend... You are quite right that it could- and almost certainly will- impact the friendship. It could be bad... but you seem not to realize that it MIGHT be good. It might make you closer friends. However, before anything happens, I'd suggest you both talk it over. Decide what the "rules" for such an encounter would be and be willing to be open and honest with each other. I'm well aware that this is a difficult conversation to have with someone (and it's the same conversation you should have with a woman before having a sexual relationship). However, I also feel that if you can't talk to the person you're going to have sex with, then you shouldn't be having sex with them.

And a BIG reminder... If you are going to have sex with ANYONE- gay OR straight- make sure you use protection and play safe.

[dancingdoc2]

This is an excellent reply; however, I believe it has missed the point. A teenager can be aroused by all sorts of sensory inputs. He can be walking down the street and see an ad in a window or on a billboard and get a hardon. He can walk into a department store and get a lump in his pants from seeing a (unisex) mannequin dressed or undressed. He can see an attractive member of the opposite sex in the mall or in passing and get aroused. Shucks. He can think randy thoughts, smell a pizza or some other food, overhear a conversation in passing and let his imagination take over--whatever. We also experience "Spontaneous Erections" several times a day for no apparent reasons.

Dressing together with a friend and getting hard is a typical reaction to seeing him naked, and perhaps letting your imagination loose. None of these scenarios are necessarily tied to sexual orientation. They are what they are--reactions to stimuli. I used to have problems in gym, both in the shower and in the dressing room. This was especially distressful when it happened with a guy I did not particularly like or had problems with! Any guy in there could start my penis growing and I remember trying to turn away from anyone and everyone even with just a partial erection.

> But recently, I have found myself getting strange erections, and such when near him.

And what about him?? Have you noticed? Even if you have not, I can pretty much guarantee that the same things are being experienced by him. Even if not at the same time, all these sensory inputs will at some point in time cause erections; he's a guy and this is what happens to us when we are young.

> I know he feels the same way about me, because of some awkwardness, and near-sex situations. But both of us are hetro! Men never turn me on otherwise I tried!

As previously explained, this is not about having any emotional attraction, simply a physical reaction, and it is all quite normal and happens (has or will happen) to all of us during these early years.

> is it just sexual tension? and if it is, should we just have sex, or something?

Well, if you cannot or have not been talking to each other, yet, about all sorts of topics, now may be the time to begin. You mentioned having a near sexual experience. I think the two of you can have a light hearted discussion about your physical reactions in response to each other and in general as described at the top of this reply. What else can you do?

* Well, one thing, when it happens, is to just laugh it off and get on with what you are doing and don't make it into a big deal.

* If you want to defuse the awkward situation, just mention any of the above information about sensory inputs and say this must be just one of those times.

* Or, if you do want to make more of it, ask him if he is having the same reaction if you cannot see for yourself. If you can, then ask leading questions and see where the conversation takes you.

You should know that it is not uncommon for younger kids especially to get together and explore each other's bodies. As part of this it is also not uncommon to hold contests to see who can masturbate and ejaculate the soonest, shoot the greatest distance, expel the greatest amount of semen; or do it the most often within a particular time frame; or, who can go the longest without getting an erection, or vice versa (in the case of watching your videos). I recall a neighbor and I being fascinated with watching each other go from flaccid to erect and then seeing whose penis would become the smallest, later. A part of adolesent exploration is to masturbate each other whether there is just a couple of you or a larger group. I've read accounts of boys squeezing each other's testicles in order to determine who can stand the most pain and for the longest period of time.

> I'm scared that it will ruin our relationship as friends

There is little harm in just talking about all this and nothing more. All these things are just a transitory phase of maturing and development and go away in short order. They also happen most often among younger boys, although there is no reason why the two of you cannot enter this phase, now, if it is mutually agreeable. If it is, and as you can see, there is no reason for your explorations to include actual sex. You can just masturbate in front of each other and/or jack each other off and be done with it.** Regardless of what happens or not, the two of you have to be willing to talk to each other.

If you find this difficult, then use what you observe in the videos as conversation openers. You can also take the bold approach and when you see him looking at your erect penis, just ask him if he'd like to touch/feel it. If he takes the bate, you can later ask if he'd like to stroke it; or, to demonstrate on you how he strokes a his penis. If this goes well, turnabout should be fair play! The same goes for handling/feeling each other's balls/scrotum, scratching, kneeding, and fondling them.

The two of you should be fine if you know and understand that this is part of childhood exploration and curiosity and a passing phase that goes away after acquiring knowledge. Do not try to make more of it than it is.

**Lastly, and depending upon what the two of you agree upon with any of the above, is later, entering a "friends with benefits" relationship if it is agreeable to the two of you. Why? Because we become much more arousesd when in the company of someone we like than when we are alone. Orgasms are much more intense! when someone else is involved. You mention sexual tension, and, as guys we masturbate primarily for two reasons; first is to relieve pent up stress and sexual tension; second, for the pure and simple pleasure of it all. Y'all can continue to masturbate privately, however, if your explorations go very far, you might want to entertain the idea of getting each other off occasionally. This can be done without being in love or otherwise emotionally involved beyond being just friends; and, it is independent of sexual orientation, unless you want to consider yourself Bi-curious.

[DVDBear]

Both of the above replies contain good, sensible information which you can weigh as to how well they fit your situation. Now I'm going to give you one more view, and it's the most conservative of the bunch . . . . . .

Don't act on this. And don't discuss it with your friend UNLESS you're sure there's a like attraction / curiousity / urge taking place on his side.
Doc is right in that if you're an average sixteen year old male you're horny most of the time and your dick can have a mind of it's own. And being so close with your friend is definitely going to cause sexual tension . . . . you're a virgin and this is a form of sexual release with someone whom you have a tight emotional bond. It can happen even if it turns out not to be your orientation or to ever happen with a male again. But at sixteen you're emotions are in a very eruptive state and this encounter, unless you're very careful could definitely change and quite possibly damage your friendship. I'm coming from a much older and more repressed generation, so perhaps things have changed a lot but when I was sixteen ANY form of homosexual advance (from a straight guy's perspective) was NOT cool (even if they secretly were curious). And once it happens there can be a natural desire to prove to one's self that you're NOT gay by distancing or pushing the other person away. That way it becomes the other person's problem / fault and you feel better about the whole thing being a one time experience, no worries.

I'm not saying that this will happen in your situation. But if you're as close to this guy as you say you are it would be a shame to risk ruining the relationship over experimentation, if that's all that is going on.

[dancingdoc2]

Point well taken. This is yet another reason why it is so important to talk with each other.

[Sirene]

I'd be more concerned about losing it to a man.
Have sex with a girl first!

[Qbert]

You're all very right, and we had a chat. About a lot. I was right, he feels the same way. I'll let you know how it turns out. He's coming over this weekend.=/

[oberon]

Originally Posted by Sirene

I'd be more concerned about losing it to a man.
Have sex with a girl first!

Any advice that's not bigoted and harmful?

[oberon]

You know, Doc and DVD, I did consider the "teenage boys get aroused by a passing breeze" idea. However, Q said "I'm sure he feels the same about me..." and so I chose to take him at his word. My main concern was that he'd act on the feelings BEFORE talking about it... which really IS a good way to end up in a fight.

Qbert... I'm glad your talk went well. Just remember to take things slowly and be honest with each other. And I really can't stress enough... if things get physical, play safe!

Take care.

[Sirene]

Originally Posted by oberon

Any advice that's not bigoted and harmful?

Having sex with a girl for the first time is harmful?


Botter.