Confused

[whickwire]

Lately I have been battling a sort of depression so please bear with me. In the past and a somewhat now I have found gay pornography and transexual/transvestite pornography to be quite stimulating when masterbating. I am 18 years old, a virgin and am really attracted and in love with her. This woman I care for I feel she completes me and she cares for me also but is in a relationship at the moment. I feel like I could die the most miserable death over and over just for this woman. In the past and now I've never been attracted to men or transgendered people I've just had fantasy's about it. I am really confused to say the least. Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I curious? My gut tells me I'm just curious about what is out there. I dunno if I'm overthinking this matter a bit seriously. I'm just feeling really alone right now and would like a sense of identity to know who I am. In the past not so much now I used to go into chat rooms and chat with men and sometimes transgenderd people. A couple of times in the past I tried on my mothers clothing. I've used my sisters makeup. When in the chatrooms though we don't deeply connect when chatting it was just purely sexual. When I chat/talk with this woman I connect on what it would seem an intimate level like we are one. I've been wondering if this could be due to giving a boy oral sex when I was a child. He also gave me oral sex as well. I was persuaded by a video game into giving the boys teenage brother oral sex. As I said I'm very confused and would like to bounce it off someone else. Thank you in advance.

[demonbuttercup]

Originally Posted by whickwire

I was persuaded by a video game into giving the boys teenage brother oral sex. As I said I'm very confused and would like to bounce it off someone else. Thank you in advance.

I am curious about the video game part

[Openmindedguy]

Trouble with depression is it makes you highlight small things in your life and makes them grow out of proportion IMO. I am no doctor, but I do suffer from the occassional bout of depression and it makes you focus inwardly and gives you a sense of paranoia and guilt.

Forget about the things that you consider deviances. If it makes you feel any better, I would love to try giving a blow job, I dont feel attracted to men, I have worn my wifes knickers several times and even bought some of my own, I have had conversations with all sorts of people...so what ?

You need to try and break out of the depression, I manage this by focusing my efforts in more creative directions.......try learning an instrument, painting or doing something regular in sport like running, football, climbing etc It will help you get more perspective and lift you out of a sexual rut.

[fabian_haas]

you know, it may not just be depression, you are definitely not gay, if you have a girl you feel that strongly about then you can't be gay, but you might be bi. if you feel that strongly about experimintation then talk to your girl about it. my boyfriend and i are both bi but before i found out i talked to him about it and he was compleatly open to having another girl around. of course we keep it known that we love eachother and that whatever we do with other people is just playing around and we will always put eachother first but i mean, if your girl is cool with it you should experiment, she may like it better than you think.

[fabian_haas]

one more thing, it will help your depression if you talk about it, and get it out in the open with your girl so you don't feel like you are cheating on her or feel guilty, bottled up emotions make everything worse.

[oberon]

Fabian, I liked your advice. The only thing is Whick doesn't have this girl. She's in a relationship with someone else. So...

Whickwire... I don't know where the friendship between you and this girl might lead. However, before you could even consider her as a romantic partner, she would need to be out of all other romantic relationships. Then, you might discuss your feelings with her. Just be honest (and take it slowly).

As far as "dying the most miserable death" over this woman... only if you allow yourself to feel this way. Trust me when I say, we've ALL felt that way about someone at some point in our lives. You need to get out and meet other people. You can keep this woman as a friend (and possible partner in the future if she ever becomes available), but don't spend all your time pining for her. There are a lot of people out there that can make you as happy (or happier) as she can. Just give them the chance. You aren't alone. Go out and make friends and add new people to your life. Being busy is one of the best remedies for depression that I know.

[fabian_haas]

oh sorry, my mistake, i misread that. but i have to agree with oberon, go find some other people, dont limit yourself to one, just getting out of the house will help you, and if you find someone else you can let some feelings go. i had nearly the same thing happen, i had this guy that i loved with all my heart but he was never around and i felt like i could never leave him but eventually i started talking to another guy and we flirted for a while, but i was adamant on kevin, the guy i was with and after a while of flirting i decided that kevin was not the guy for me and moved on. it is a slow process but the pain will heal in time, you have to be patient and go out and get your mind off it.

[fabian_haas]

man, that's annoying

[cp3515]

whickwire i have had the same feelings and even i can't explain i have masterbated to gay porn and transgendered pictures but i am married to a woman i would die over aswell i dont think u or should i say we are gay it;s just a wierd fantasy nothing wrong with it i don't think

[Lovelyand18]

I had a similar experience except for with a girl obviously. She seduced me at a young young age and made me give her head and me give her. It defiantly made me hot for woman. I experimented with it and found that I am defiantly destine to be with a man. I just don't mind having sex with woman and they are dead sexy. I am fine with that, although I do think about having sex with woman I know I never could relationship with them. I think all you are going to get from men is sex. I struggled for a long time wondering why do I like having sex with woman yet I can't have a relationship with them. Since you had that experience with that boy that's probably all you are going want from men is sex. So men to you is a new sexual and forbidden act, nothing more.