Gay Teens and sex

[oberon]

This is something that just popped into my head recently...

I know parents are concerned about their children having sex and I'm certain that most parents would not allow their straight child's boy/girlfriend to have a sleepover. What I wonder is how would parents deal with a gay child?

Most kids have their friends over to spend the night and it's not even that unusual for them to share a bed. I guess I have a few questions about this.

1. Would you separate your child and their friend if you thought they might be gay? (separate sleeping arrangements)

2. Would you be as concerned over same-sex activity as you would heterosexual activity?

Just curious.

[dancingdoc2]

This is the same misplaced logic that is wrongly tied to Gay men and child molestation. The two have nothing in common. Child molestation and child abuse are two problems that are independent of sexual orientation.

The other part of the logic misplaced is that Gay individuals are somehow always attracted or at least easily attracted to any member of the same gender. WRONG. Sexual attraction knows no gender. The chemistry involved seems to work independently of gender--meaning what attracts one person to another has more to do with a person's psyche, character, values, interests, demeanor, etc., et cetera, etc. The notion that a Gay man is likely to prey on any available male is as wrong as saying a heterosexual man is going to prey on any available female.

I see nothing wrong with girls having a slumber party sleep over or just two friends spending the night at one or the other's home. The same for guys. Sexual orientation should not and need not be a part of the mix or the equation.

Kids will be kids and preteens and young teens will explore and sometimes do have sexually explicit games or activities with each other or the group. That two boys are friends and one happens to be Gay and sleep over at his friend's house is no more worrisome than if he were straight. If they are going to play, they will play regardless of being straight or Gay.

Parents should be mindful none-the-less, and monitor the activities of the their charges.

[oberon]

Excuse me, DD, but as a gay man, I hardly need a lecture on how homosexuality is so often wrongly paired with pedophilia. That has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the topic that I have started. I'm discussing teen dating and sex and the role parents play in monitoring their childrens activities.

My question pertains to two teenage gay individuals. My interest being if parents even consider this when allowing their child to have a sleepover. Would parents even consider that the person their son brings home might be his boyfriend? And, if so, would they take steps to separate the two... the same way parents would separate a heterosexual couple.

Your assumptions have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

[dancingdoc2]

Oops. You're right. I completely misinterpreted your first paragraph and the connection with the second. I apologize. So much for ~16th hour replies. Although the premise was incorrect, the info was more for the audience some of whom need the information, lecture or not. This was not a lecture, to you or anyone else and I'm sorry for rubbing a sore spot.

I would hope that parents would know the status of a child's friendship by the time permission was asked for a sleepover. That said, I for one would not let any obvious love interest bed down in the same bed let alone room. This applies to any couple--it's just right and proper to separate any couple that are more than just platonic friends.

That "Johnny" brings home a male friend to spend the night would probably not grab my attention unless and until their behavior and interaction with each other made their relationship obvious. And, no, the thought that my son's friend is more than that would not be the first or second thing to enter my mind.

[oberon]

Thanks for the apology, DD... and now I should as well. I'm sorry if my tone was sharp in regards to your initial post. I do have a "sore spot" where the subjects of pedophilia and homosexuality are included in the same sentence. Particularly of late, I've had too many discussions get railroaded by people who want to equate the two.

As for your on topic reply... I guess that's my point... How would a parent know? If someone is gay, you probably aren't going to know unless they tell you. I guess I was also wondering if parents even gave this a thought.

I know with straight kids one of the primary worries would be pregnancy. I also wonder if parents would be less inclined to worry about their child (and I'm talking 16-18 year olds) having sex if it were same-sex. In which case, I'd hope they would still teach them about safe-sex. Gay teens should be as concerned with protection as straight teens.

LOL... and I'm sure their are gay teens out there that would tell me to shut the heck up and not draw attention...

[WallyLlama]

I see no particular reason to consider the questions, actually... a specific question regarding "gay sex" is some what of a moot point for me (as a parent) for at least the following reasons:

1. Experimentation and exploration is a normal part of the teenage years. I'd be more concerned with responsibility in the exploring, so to speak. I happen to think that goes far beyond the typical "safe sex" issues to include emotional safety and responsibilty.

2. I'd of course be interested in what my child is doing - doesn't matter if it's with a male, female, animal, or inanimate object. I think singling out a particular item, sex, or object creates an emphasis and sends the wrong message by implication.

3. I not only think I would not know if my teenager was gay, I'm not sure he or she would either. My opinion is that we are way too quick to start the labelling process and I think part of my responsibility as a parent is to prevent my children from doing it to themselves and that includes them making decisions before they are qualified to make them. (And I have no intention of arguing this point.)

I think my underlying point MIGHT be that I think parents need to be more open... not necessarily in terms of what they encourage or allow, but in terms of what they see and what they are concerned about. "Gayness" is only one small part of it.

[fenceguy]

Very interesting question.........never thought about it too much......I would accept the kids reguardless of sexual orientation.........Experimentation is what they are going to do anyway......hopefully they already know their boundaries and what is right or wriong......That is where the parents come in.......You know it all begins with us ..............Kids are not to blame..........they only live by example........think about it.

[dancingdoc2]

An excellent reply, WallyLlama.

I have explored the bisexual nature of myself a few times over the years and like other relationships, they ended like any do, that being that we were not made for each other. Such is the nature of dating anybody.

As for your #3, and Oberon's musing, above, I subscribe to the XYY school of thought that says in part that if a person's mannerisims are obviously effeminate then you can tell; otherwise, whether out of choice or not, or simply exploring our sexuality, I do not believe you can determine what a person's sexual orientation is until it is declared or displayed.

I do find it interesting that the obviously effiminate men dress more flamboyantly, and in the case of butch women, more like men, yet often not quite, as they maintain a slightly feminine look to their choice of male styling.

OK, so this is off topic. I'll stop.

[oberon]

Originally Posted by dancingdoc2

As for your #3, and Oberon's musing, above, I subscribe to the XYY school of thought that says in part that if a person's mannerisims are obviously effeminate then you can tell; otherwise, whether out of choice or not, or simply exploring our sexuality, I do not believe you can determine what a person's sexual orientation is until it is declared or displayed.

If you equate effeminate with gay, you're going to embarrass yourself at some point. I've met some VERY effeminate men... who were VERY straight. The same would apply to butch women. You are much better off allowing the individual to either openly display his/her sexuality or flat out tell you.

Originally Posted by WallyLlama

I see no particular reason to consider the questions, actually... a specific question regarding "gay sex" is some what of a moot point for me (as a parent) for at least the following reasons:

1. Experimentation and exploration is a normal part of the teenage years. I'd be more concerned with responsibility in the exploring, so to speak. I happen to think that goes far beyond the typical "safe sex" issues to include emotional safety and responsibilty.

LOL... long answer for a topic that doesn't deserve consideration. Anyway, I agree that parents should discuss all aspects of sexuality with their child. Not just the mechanics. But this answer misses the point of my question, I think. Are you saying that if your 16 yr. old son showed up with his girlfriend that you'd allow them to spend the night together... in the same bed?

2. I'd of course be interested in what my child is doing - doesn't matter if it's with a male, female, animal, or inanimate object. I think singling out a particular item, sex, or object creates an emphasis and sends the wrong message by implication.

Again, this is good. I think parental interest in their children's live is sometimes sadly lacking. However, MY interest was in gay teens. As has been demonstrated, I don't think most people consider this. If you're going to state that you are interested in all aspects of your child's life, then I would think you'd want to be aware that the child MIGHT be having a same-sex relationship. If (to borrow DD's example) "Johnny" shows up with "Jane" then you'd probably assume romantic interest. But if he shows up with "Jack", are you going to ignore that he might be having a romantic relationship? One that needs not only physical education, but emotional as well?

3. I not only think I would not know if my teenager was gay, I'm not sure he or she would either. My opinion is that we are way too quick to start the labelling process and I think part of my responsibility as a parent is to prevent my children from doing it to themselves and that includes them making decisions before they are qualified to make them. (And I have no intention of arguing this point.)

I think my underlying point MIGHT be that I think parents need to be more open... not necessarily in terms of what they encourage or allow, but in terms of what they see and what they are concerned about. "Gayness" is only one small part of it.

Yes, this has become quite the battle cry in recent years... "They are too young to know." That could well be true for some... but, in my EXPERIENCE, the gay people that I have known knew at very early ages where their attractions were. And had it been more of an option, most would probably have been open about it at a much earlier age.

I'm all for allowing people the time to come to terms with their sexuality. I just don't want people burying their heads in the sand thinking that it's a phase that will go away with time. It's the individual's feelings that matter and those shouldn't be negated with a "Let's wait and see."

[WallyLlama]

Originally Posted by oberon

LOL... long answer for a topic that doesn't deserve consideration.... However, MY interest was in gay teens.

And my point was that I see no reason to elevate the gay topic above any other issues teen face. That's one reason I'm through discussing this.

Sorry my answer didn't appeal to your interest. But you did spend a lot of time replying to it.

*goes off to bury head in sand*