Justifying Your Sexuality

[oberon]

We seem to get quite a few questions on here that start off, "I'm not gay or bi, BUT...". *What I want to know is why.

People seem to want to rationalize their sexuality so that they can be comfortable with it without having to actually deal with any of the prejudice that sparks their reasons for wanting to rationalize in the first place.

My personal feelings are that there are three separate sexuality catagories: straight, gay, and bisexual. *If you are straight, you ONLY have sex with members of the opposite sex. *If you are gay, then you ONLY have sex with members of the same sex. *Anything else means you are bisexual. *Period. *Now, I'm not talking about a period of "finding yourself" or sexual experimentation. *I'm talking about actively seeking out someone for a sexual relationship... of ANY variety (manual, oral, penetration...). *

It would seem to me that a number of people fall into that bisexual catagory, but rather than deal with it and move on, they still want to classify themselves as straight. *It strikes me as a form of self-deception. *

I guess I'm just curious if people think that homosexual behavior is okay as long as it isn't "for real"?

[Jaybee]

Obe,

In all areas of life, you will find people who self-delude.

Going from a majority to to a minority is a shock to the system - but why am I telling you this, surely you as a gay man have been there and DONE it???

And when you did, how long where you in the closet? Some people peep out of that closet, pry the door open slowly, and after a while, they will peer round the edge of the door, before finally taking the first hesitant steps out.

Others kick down the doors abruptly and scream, "Look at me! I'm gay, whoo-hooo!!!!"

Most people fall somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. Any change is met with resistance in life.


Jaybee.

[Rawbob]

Hi Oberon!

I hear exactly what you are saying...i also hear what Jaybee is saying too.

The only thing i will add is this: MY HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED. Yes, there is still a fairly negative stigma about being gay......but NO WAY NEAR what it was say 10 or even 15 years ago. From Will and Grace, to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the inclusion and acceptance of gay men and women in our society is at an all time high...and will continue to grow.

I have read and replied to many posts on here about guys who play with guys (on the down low) while dating women and carrying on a str8 illusion. Hell, I WAS LIKE THAT for 3 years till i truely was able to accept myself for who i really am.

I think it's more of a frustration than anything else. Everyone DOES have to make their own decisions, but for SOME gay men, we feel like shaking these "queens of denial" and say "IT'S OK IF YOU'RE GAY" hahahaa.

Now, in closing, i want to qualify one thing: Oberon's comments were about sex..not love. Now, there is a razor thin line that separates sex from love...but there is a clear distinction. I have seen first hand that any human can enjoy the sexual attention of another human being (especially if they don't know who their partner is because they are blindfolded). Responding to touch, is an anatomical reality.....responding to the EMOTIONS of touch is a diffrent thing.

So, I belive that ALL humans are bi-sexual - in that they have the capacity to have and enjoy sex with either gender. However, when it comes to entering into a long term relationship....i don't belive bisexuals exist in any number that is statistically significant. When it comes to matters of the heart i belive it's pretty black and white: you either know you'll find peace and balance iwth a man or a woman.

Just my ramblings!

[vagabondprince]

answering the question posed in the initial post, sure, it's fine if some guy decides to experiment and all...just for me, i find the simple thought of me doing anything with another guy nauseating for whatever reason. but that's just me. i just won't do it myself. and since i am absolutely satisfied with the companionships i have with women, and almost certainly haven't found in guys what i have found that draws me to women, i don't plan on doing any kind of experimentation anytime in the foreseeable future

[Greendale]

How about anyone can view themselves anyway they want? It's their life and their body? People can be gay/bi-sexual in their own private life and not let it out in the public. In other words straight acting. Many straight acting people out there. I love both men and women. Does that make me bi? No. I don't see people as genders, I see them as a human being. I get very turned on by both genders. I don't think I'll ever have sex with a man, it's just a fantasy that I have.

[thetease13]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Oberon wasn't talking about the transitional phase or the phase where you're finding yourself.

He's talking about people who swear to god up and down that they are straight, but then constantly go out and engage in sex with a same sex partner.

Personally, if you do that, I don't care what you think. You are, at the very least, bisexual.

And speaking on Oberon's half, I can't really say how long he was "in the closet", but if memory serves me correct, he always felt like he was gay. He lost his virginity to a girl, I think, perhaps to try to convince himself otherwise. But even before and after that, he felt that he was gay.

[oberon]

Thanks for the responses so far.

And Tease is right. *One same sex encounter doesn't make you gay or bi... but actively seeking out or fantasizing about the same sex repeatedly? *

If you consider yourself "straight, BUT", would you actually tell your female partners, "I'm straight, but I watch gay porn."? *Or "I'm straight, but I like to get blowjobs from a guy."? *{and the same questions apply if you are female and "straight, BUT"} If you wouldn't, why not?

I think I know, but I'd like to hear someone else say it.

Yes, anyone can "classify" themselves any way they like... but it doesn't make it true. *I could call myself a pilot, but I'll bet you really wouldn't want me flying your plane. *I, occasionally, watch straight porn, but since it isn't the women I'm looking at, it doesn't make me straight. *And those girl/girl scenes are just a blur on fast-forward.

Oh, and again, Tease was more or less right about my own self-discovery. *I always knew I was attracted to guys. *At first I thought, "It's just a phase."; then, "This is a pretty LONG phase."; until, yes, I did have sex with a woman (after all, that's what you are "supposed" to do) and it finally became clear that "Oh, I must be gay." *So there are NO misunderstandings... the "sex" part was fine. *No problem getting an erection, orgasms for both of us. *For me, there was just something missing. *It didn't feel right. *I still feel somewhat resentful that I was "made" to go through with it in the first place. *Being gay is never really presented as an option... even today. *It would have saved this young woman and myself some pain if it had been.

Oops... came back to add: The "in the closet" thing. My shining heterosexual moment happened at 18. It wasn't until I was 21/22 (It took me a while to figure out how the heck you are supposed to meet other gay people) that I actually had a sexual experience with another man. In between, I thought of myself as gay, but you'd be surprised at how few people (at least then) would come right out and ask. You get, "Do you have a girlfriend?" to which you can honestly say "No" without admitting anything else. I don't think I've ever been one of those "Whooo-hooo" people, but I did stop lying about it.