Ever wanted to ask a gay person a question..

[Rawbob]

The purpose of this post is to allow Sexinfo101 members and guests the opportunity to ask a gay person any question that may have been in the back of his/her mind. This is about information and education. Since i belive folks are born gay, this really isn't the place to have a theological discussion or moral crossfire discussions. That said, DON'T BE SHY about your questions. Trust me, i've probaby heard them all, and i'm not squeemish. I'll debunk myths, and hopefull give you insight into gay folk - i think you'll find we're not much different from most!

[Humble]

Ok, I will bite...

1) Do gay people in general (or you personally) feel a desire to have children or is this absolutely not the case?

2) Are gay people in general (or you personally) at all attracted to women? Obviously, they are attracted to men more, but I am wondering whether their attraction to women is simply weaker or non-existent.

3) In gay relationships, is it usually the case that one partner assumes the 'traditional female role' and one 'traditional male role', or both generally assume both roles, or both assume the same role, or is it something entirely different? (I realize that this question is not very clear, but I am leaving it intentionally vague - answer what you think it is asking.)

On a related note, you mentioned you believe people are born gay. I know little about the matter of what causes one to be heterosexual or homosexual. From an evolutionary point of view, however, if it is genetic homosexuality should be genetically selected against (gay people leave behind no, or fewer children), so over millions of years it would likely disappear. Of course, we know that has not happened. That can mean either of two things:

1) Homosexuality is not genetic.
2) Homosexuality is genetic, but is recessive and the same genes responsible for homosexuality provide some other advantage which improves the survival rate compensates for the fact that gay people tend to have no or fewer children.

I do not know which of the above it is and I was wondering whether you could clarify that for me and enlighten me more on the origin of homosexuality.

[HngLkAMouse]

Hmmm... a couple questions...?

a) How do you determine which accent color will best compliment your primary color or pattern when decorating a livingroom...?

b) Do all gay men just receive a defacto gym membership and start working-out immediately...?



All kidding aside, I've known plenty of gay, lesbian and bisexual people in my life and they've all been VERY open with me and willing (if not eager) to answer all kinds of questions. To me, there's nothing needed to explain at this point. Heck... I DO live in Massachusetts where gay marriage is now legal.

[Tjdude]

My question is: when did u notice u were gay? i mean, out of the blue you started to like boys instead of girls?, did u pass a stage where u were like what the hell is wrong with me? how did u get to the point where u say: the hell with it, yes, i'm gay, let's doit .

Now, correct me if i'm wrong, but i think u were married before, so how was the sex with your wife? did u hate it? which one is better? or what is the difference?

Well, c ya, and thanks for the opportunity

[oberon]

Rawbob, I hope you don't mind if I jump on your train here. *This is a great topic idea, and I'm a little jealous that I didn't think of it.

First of all, though it might seem obvious, I'd like to state that no one gay person can speak for all gay people, anymore than one straight person can speak for all straight people. *That being said I'll answer any question as honestly as I know how. *So to the questions:

Humble-
1. *I personally have no desire to have children. *And think I would feel that way even if I were straight. However, I do like children and would do everything in my power to protect them. *Gay people, like anyone else, have the instinct to nurture the young. *I think if adoption laws were not so religiously motivated that fewer gay people would feel the need to create their own children. *And there would be fewer unwanted children in the world. *If you are looking for a good biological reason for homosexuality, this could be it. *Humans, like most species, tend to produce more offspring than they can actually take care of, and then there are those who are orphaned. *In other species, other members of the species sometimes take over these responsibilies. Who better than someone with no children of their own, but a strong nurturing instinct?

2. *Me, no, not at all. *I can recognize a beautiful woman just as you can probably tell if a guy is attractive, but I wouldn't want to have sex with her anymore than you would want to have sex with the guy. *If you are sexually attracted to both I believe that would make you bisexual.

3. *Yes, this question is unclear. *So I'll try a couple of different approaches. *If you mean does "the man" go off to work and the "little woman" stay home, well, not even many straight couples do it that way anymore. *In all the couples that I know, both work and both share the domestic chores.

If you mean sex and sexual roles, then, I suppose, it depends on the couple. *Some guys are total tops (only want to do the penetrating) and some guys total bottoms ( only want to be penetrated) and all those that fall in between. *I, myself, am versatile. *I like both equally, and would prefer to be in a relationship with someone who also is versatile. I might add that this in no way reflects masculinity or the appearance of masculinity. *You would probably be shocked at the number of big, burly truck drivers who are very happy with their legs over someone's shoulders.

TJdude and Humble-
You both sort of asked similar questions. *Are you born gay? *How did you know? *For me, it was, I suppose, the same as a straight guy with girls. *I just noticed the guys instead of girls when I became interested in sex. *I did, however, "try" girls. Or a girl to be exact. *I was very close to her and you could even say I loved her. But there was something missing. *It wasn't her fault at all. *But I could never have been totally attracted to her. *I could possibly even have married her and had children, but I would never have been totally committed to her. *Which wouldn't have been fair to her. *Which is why I broke it off. *I'm sure some guys don't break it off, which may explain how the genes get passed on. *I never went through that "OH MY GOD!" stage that a lot of gay people seem to go through. *As conservative as my upbringing was, I had access to a lot of books and I like to read. *So I went from, "Oh, this is a stage", "I'll grow out of this" to "I guess this isn't a stage, oh well". *And "coming out" only made me stronger.

HngLkAMouse-
1. *You choose your primary color and then go up the chart several shades lighter or darker. *If you are more adventurous, you can try contrasting colors, but I wouldn't recommend it for beginners. (I do remodeling, but I know enough interior design to get by.lol)

2. *No. *And I suppose I could send you pictures to prove it if you like.

I hope these answers helped and I'm looking forward to more questions- if Rawbob doesn't mind- and to hearing his answers.

[Rawbob]

Wow....i post a question on friday, come back on monday and i missed a bit of an exchange! hahahaha

Well, first off, thanks to those who decided to post some questions - dialogue is the seedcord of tolerance! Ok, on with the replies:

Humble, here are the replies to your questions
1) Children: I cannot speak for all gay folks, but i would say that in my experience, as gay men get older and more financial secure - and yes, are over their "party like it's 1999" days, DO also have a desire to have children in their lives. As you know, most gay people need to adopt to create a family, and each state has their own set of laws governing who can adopt. I am lucky, I have a 14 year old son from my prior marriage to a female. He's a great kid and we have a great relationship. He knows and loves my partner alot. My partner has 2 kids from his prior marriage and they also know, love and accept us as a loving couple.

2) Attraction to women: Hell yes! I do not find the female body repulsive at all. From movie stars to just every day women on the street, not a day goes by what I don't comment when i see an attractive women. BUT, do not misunderstand physical appreciation for physical attraction. Remember, being gay is not about where i put my penis, but rather, my need for emotional bonds can only be met with one of the same sex.

3) Husband/wife roles in Gay relationships: Well, while i can't speak for every gay relationship, I'd have to say NO, there are no "traditional roles" in gay relationships. I will say that in our gay circle of friends, there's always jokes about one 1/2 or the other when it comes to who does the dishes, shopping or who's the interior decorator. I think most SUCCESSFUL long term gay relationships are based on the couple recognizing their partner's strong points. I"m good with money and finances; my partner is a professionally trained chef - so, i take care of the bills and financial stuff, and my partner runs the kitchen. Does this mean i sit on the couch and expect my dinner at the end of the day and never help HELL NO! Does that mean he just gets to spend wildly when he feels like it - HELL NO. We share in all major life decisions.

Now, as far as sex goes, are you asking does one take on the "man/top" and the other "female/bottom" role? Not in the heterosexual sense. The benefit (work with me here folks, i'm making a point), of being gay as far as "role definition" goes is that since we both have the "same equipment" for sex, we can both enjoy both TOP and BOTTOM as a part of our sex life. Going much further would be fairly graphic but i can elaborate if you want.

4) Is gay genetic?: Well, as you can see in my situation, both myself and my partner were both able to conceive children. Being gay is a genetic predisposition to find "EMOTIONAL" love and affection from a person of the opposite sex. It does not limit our ablity to conceive children. History is replete with gay men (in the closet) getting married and having children because of the social stigma and fear associated with being gay. So, the genetics are about LOVE not about being able to procreate.

Well, I think that covers your questions! Feel free to ask more qualifying questions - i'm an open book!

[Rawbob]

Hi TJ, thanks for your questions. Let me take them one at a time!

1) When did i know i was gay?: Well, like most men in my position, i guess i could write a BOOK about my life as a str8 man..but i'll give ya the Readers Digest version.

Looking back now, i know i was in deep denial about my homosexuality. As a kid and teenager when i saw str8 pornography, i was always looking at the man's dick and not so much the vagina. I mean, pornographic images of a man and a woman having sex are and were everywhere, so there was no lack of "visual" fodder for me. However, when you grow up in a very conservative, blue-collar, religious house like i did, the "ROLE" a man was to play in life was drilled into me from as far back as i can remember. A man is supposed to grow up, go to school, date girls, be rowdy and have fun, play sports, go to college, get a degree, find a girl, get a good job/career going, get married, buy a house, have a kid, and of course the dog and cat - AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID. I should also point out that i was a wicked homophobe in my late teen, early 20's. Even my wife (now exwife) would often chastise me for being so intolerant! Once married a few years, my wife and i, as most couples do, began discussing fantasies and watching porn as part of our sex life. That, along with the advent of the internet, i began to see more and more links and info about gay sex. The more i viewed and read the more an inner voice began to cut thru the decades of engrained thoughs and beliefs i had. My and I met a gay couple on vacation, and she encouraged me to spend a week's vacation with them while she was on a business trip. That was when i first saw how happy those 2 men were, and that their life was not much different from my life.

Thats when the deception began in my life and my marriage. I began searching out more information and actual experimentation with gay sex. From trips to adult bookstores to going to gay bars on business trips, i explored all aspects of gay life (thats a story in and of itself). Needless to say, it had a toll on my marriage - and it was my wife who, when she left, said "I'm leaving, so you can find out WHO u really are."

2) How was sex with my wife: Let me just say that i never had a problem performing sexually with my wife. IT was never about sex - it was about love. I "loved" my wife, but i came to understand that i was more in love with the importance of being seen as "normal." In fact, the last time i saw my wife before she left me, we had sex. Its amazing how you can trick your body and mind to adapt to almost any situation - and thats how it was for me. COULD i have sex with a woman now - probaby yes. Would I? No.

Thanks for the questions! Feel free to ask more if you want. HOpe this gave you some insight!

[Humble]

Thanks for the answers oberon and Rawbob!

HngLKAMouse - you did not need to delete your posts. It was enough when you explained that the rant was not directed at me.

Cheers,

Humble

[oberon]

HngLkAMouse- sounds like your intentions were pure even if something got lost in translation. I find the fact that you are willing to stand up for gay people very uplifting. And for that you have my thanks.

Humble- you're welcome, anytime. If you think of anything else feel free to come and ask. Or even PM me- that goes for everyone.

[Tjdude]

Thanks guys, very enlightening

HngLKAMouse, it was a good mini-rant that one of yours. You should put it again.