Hello there, I've been a member for a long time but haven't really been active. Let me start out by saying my boyfriend and I have been dating almost 6 years now, since we were only 16. We've had our ups and downs, such as the year he worked away from home. But have always had a close and amazing relationship that withstood the small (and bigger) things. Sex has always been great for both of us as we both like to please the other and know what works best.
Now, my boyfriend will rarely initiate sex, if at all. I have a high sex drive, I will admit, but I'm only 22. Isn't that normal? If it was up to me, we'd have sex at least 3 nights/days a week. Left up to him, it's become once every other or third week. I tend to take the leap and try to get things started, which has worked. But lately he refuses more and more and it does start to take a toll on my self-esteem.
He is not on any kind of medications. My boyfriend works long hours (sometimes more than 70/week), which I understand does take a toll on sex drive. However, this is not the first job where he has worked long hours. But it is the first time we've had sexual problems. I have "spiced things up"; I've purchased sex toys and tried porn. But it's just so hard to get him interested. I'm starting to feel unattractive and loosing my confidence I once had in my sexual prowess. All other aspects of our relationship remain great, as good as ever. Sex has simply just become more rare.
I know the problem does not likely lie with me, but any insight would be helpful. Is our relationship just in a rut, or is it something more serious?
1. You are absolutely correct: not your problem unless you choose to make it yours'. Certainly your expectations or desires are quite common at your age and most men would agree (or want more). This is not uncommon for young love. It was great for your teen years but it does not wear well over time. Time for a long, serious and possibly painful talk.
As stated so often, sex is more often a symptom than the real problem.
And you can forget the toys, lingerie, etc. - they really don't work - as you have seen. They also send an off message - that it is your job to tempt him above and beyond the call of duty - as it were.
Your prowess remains unchanged. Your attractiveness remains unchanged.
But something HAS changed in your relationship.
Time you two talked.
Thank you both for your replies. We did have a long talk and I have had some serious oversights. It turns out he was feeling pressure (not necessarily from me) to "advance" our relationship. Having been dating for so long, he thought I expected him to purpose marriage and move our relationship along with buying a house and starting to talk children. I assured him this was not at all what I expected. It's what I'd like in the future, but for now we're still young and there is plenty of time for that to come later.
Aside from feeling such pressure, he's been smoking ciggarettes and keeping it from me, as it's a habbit i despise. He was quite ashamed, mostly because he hid it from me, and there should be no secrets in a relationship. I again assured him he is old enough to do as he wishes, whether or not I like it. But I do not approve.
Having said that we have definatelystarted to moved past this issue, and hopefully our intimate relationship can resume. I will keep you up to date!
All that is fine EXCEPT the idea that there should be no secrets from each other which is FALSE.
If the consequences of talking would be devastating to your sig ot then you should bear the burden yourself. No disclosure. For example: you hate something he treasures, perhaps some remnant from his childhood.
Why?
A wife every day put silly glass birds up on the windowsill in front of the kitchen sink. Her husband hated them and would hide them in a cupboard every night. She has died. Now, in rememberance of her, he puts them out every morning and puts them safely away every night. He never told her he hated them.
Because that's love.
[quote]All that is fine EXCEPT the idea that there should be no secrets from each other which is FALSE.[/quote]
I'm very much in favor of honesty and being open towards eachother in a relationship. It clears the skies of negative thoughts, yet also puts you back in reality. Your example is a very good one of how secrets are sometimes there in a good way, EEK :) And I guess most of us do this naturally when truly loving their partner.
However; secrets can become heavy at times, especially when hiding feelings of guilt. Once a secret starts to hunt you, when it starts to control the way you act towards eachother, when it becomes of forced activity to dodge questions and situations, it is time to consider bringing it up... Because then I think it also becomes your partner's interest to know, as it keeps rattling in her/his mind: why is (s)he acting like that? Or whenever you refuse to answer a simple question: what on earth is (s)he trying to hide from me? I'm not talking about jealousy or paranoia here, that's another story. More about concern for the other's welfare or worries... Honest motives, so to speak. Not used for self gain.
Perhaps the golden rule would be; there should be no secrets that harm or put pressure on your partner and/or the relationship?
The topic of honesty and having no secrets was discussed as recently as a few days ago.
There are two approaches to this:
A#1-- tell all, have no secrets, and let the chips fall where they will--good, bad, or, indifferent.
(A person's past history is theirs alone. There is only the present and the future. Unless something occurred in the past that has relevance to the present, then think twice about being truthful to a fault.) This is not about being truthful, rather, having "the need to know".
A#2-- employ this philosophy: "of what benefit is it for him/her to know?"
If knowing the information will cause more disruption or harm, than good, then not telling seems like the better part of valor.
As for smoking, why has he started? If he is doing it in order to manage stress then please help him find other ways to cope and to develop those tools.
If he is doing it in order to bolster his sense of self worth, then please help him see the harm that doing so can cause his relationship.
Personally, for me, smoking is a deal breaker. Why?
A. I do not like the smell
B. I do not like the second-hand smell
C. I do not like to touch and smell smoke infested hair
D. I do not like to touch and smell smoke infested clothing
E. I do not like to touch oily skin that comes from a person's pores
F. I do not like having my clothes and hair and body smelling foul and feeling grimy as a result of (B)
G. I do not like to smell the breath of a person who smokes
H. Lastly, I do not like kissing a person who wreaks of nicotine, etc.
H2. Then there is the very real possibility that a person's home and furnishings will begin to smell because of second-hand smoke, or because s/he is permitted to smoke inside the home. These are a [COLOR="Red">NO[/COLOR], hell no, deal breaker.
If you ask him to stop and you encounter resistance, please feel free to use these eight reasons. If you encounter resistance, please understand that as a habit and addiction, he may find it very difficult to quit. If so, encourage him to seek help to accomplish this. Support him in this endeavor.
Thanks Doc; he actually kept it from me because when we we're younger (17 or so) I informed him I thought of smoking as a deal breaker, and if he should continue to do it, our relationship would not. Having grown up a lot since then, I find the many years we've spent together worth too much to throw away over his smoking. He did not realize I felt this way, obviously. But, I do want him to quit. It's a harmfully disgusting habit along with everything else you mentioned above. I will fully support him in his quitting. But he needs to want to quit, otherwise he will never stand a chance of doing so. I would rather have knowledge that he is a smoker than have him keep this from me. Such secrets are harmful to the relationship as in my case. (Our sex life has resumed with fireworks, by the way).
And thank you as well EEK for your input. I agree. Certain things should be kept from your partner. As long as they are harmless, and would not effect the relationship. In our case, his guilt at keeping such a secret from me caused him to pull away emotionally and effected our relationship. As such, I'm glad he came clean and we can now deal with it together. Instead of him trying to deal with it on his own.
When in a relationship, one MUST consider the effect of honesty upon one's partner BEFORE you open your mouth.
This can also include 'good things' like saying "I love you" before your partner's ready to hear it. This is because upon hearing someone say that, a partner feels almost obligated to say it back - and it may not be true - it may be too soon for him/her.
If disclosure will result in damage or undue pressure it is better to NOT be totally honest.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
I just read some of your other posts, Buffy. Why in the world did you buy him some kind of fancy masturbator. If you want it in you, do not present him with an alternative receptacle!
[QUOTE=Brandye;259600]I just read some of your other posts, Buffy. Why in the world did you buy him some kind of fancy masturbator. If you want it in you, do not present him with an alternative receptacle![/QUOTE]
I bought this toy to try and entice him, as I mentioned earlier. We never used it until recently after having our big talk. He prefers oral sex, but it's okay when added into our foreplay. I don't know if he would use it on his own. But I do see where you're coming from.
Actually, being so penis-centered is NOT good for either gender and a vibrator is a much more versatile toy.
Example: kissing or lightly licking the base of his throat while lightly running the vibe down his naked spine - oh yeah! Good stuff.
Can't do that with a masturbator.
Smoking cigarettes can also detriment sexual performance. Not to mention cancer, heart disease, gum disease, and other health problems.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;259740]Example: kissing or lightly licking the base of his throat while lightly running the vibe down his naked spine - oh yeah! Good stuff.
[/QUOTE]
I don't know if I could handle the intensity of that sort of stimulation. I'd spasm uncontrollably, and it may even be intense enough to make me black out.
Honesty and openness are tough subjects. It's really good that the two of you have been able to discuss the smoking issue, and have brought about such resolution. I think that, in time, the idea of smoking being unsettling to you will help him quit, but at least now, the crushing pressure of a shameful secret isn't crushing him, and you have both grown in your relationship. Hopefully the openness in this case will help him to consider being honest with any other matters eating at him in the future.
A good way to quit smoking, if you're still having issues with it, go to the grocery store, to the spice aisle, get a thing of cream of tarter and a jug of orange juice, and sunflower seeds or hard candies etc, something to satisfy the oral fixation. Every morning when he gets up, mix a spoon of the cream of tarter in a glass of OJ and drink it down. The tartar somehow or another purges your system of the nicotine, but he has to want to quit. That's the one thing for any method to quit smoking, is you have to want to.