Long-time reader and fan here, so I figured I'd start by saying I love this site.
Delving into the real meat of the issues is as follows:
I'm turning 25 this September, and my boyfriend (who lives in Texas and I in NY state) is 19. He and I met online, and have been seeing each other for a while now. We've shared photos, we talk on Mumble all the time, and we play World of Warcraft together as well as various other things to keep our 'relationship' going. I quote relationship because while we *are* exclusive, we have yet to make a physical connection.
I care very, very deeply about him, and I respect his morals, his limits, and his boundaries. I am constantly, and consistently telling (and showing however I can) that I will never, could not ever, and simply cannot push against those things. I would never pressure him into being sexually active with me if he comes to visit, or vice versa. We share a very quid pro quo relationship--however; the topic has recently emerged, and he has expressed that he is willing to consent to sexual acts/behaviour with me. My worries are:
1. My size. I have been on medication, and undergone surgeries that have made me gain weight (slowing activity, and such) and I'm a heavier girl. He claims this won't bother him, but for me, it's terrifying because I don't want him thinking poorly of me. He knows what I look like (with the exception of being nude) and he says he loves me for me. Don't get me wrong--I believe him, but you know how girlish insecurity comes into play. I don't want to hurt him physically. I'm 5' 6" or so and around 270-80 lbs; this, for me, is a serious issue. I am incredibly insecure about the way I look.
2. Since it would be his first time having sexual intimacy with a woman, I'd like to make it special, and memorable for him. I want nothing but his complete and utter comfort, as well as peace of mind. I don't want sex to be something that it is to most teenaged men (and he defies each and every stereotype there is, believe me) to be how he comes to view it because of me. I'm a grown woman, and I have enough experience to gently guide him, teach him, and please him in multiple ways. I just want this experience for him to be good.
So why am *I* so nervous? I should be elated that he's chosen me to give his, what he calls "V-Card", to.. and I am. But, I worry about him, his thoughts and emotions and feelings on the subject. We've spoken about it, but it usually ends with,
"I won't push you".
Anyone have any words of wisdom?