[QUOTE=hotmama3556;255501][COLOR="blue">Me and my husband has been together lil over a year and this started before we got married....I thought u no a one time thang everyone makes mistakes and went on with it...[/COLOR]

Mistake? Sounds like a choice to me.

[COLOR="blue">I have gone though his phone and almost everytime I have always found text between him and some girl talkin bout fuckin[/COLOR]

OK, but please do not use four letter words. So, the two of you are married and he is cavorting with other women by choice. I rather doubt you can change him. If you want change, you can:
1. tell him that this has to stop and if it does not,
he is out of the house
2. tell him that if he chooses not to put the same
effort into your relationship that he puts into his
text messages or phone calls that he will have to
find another home to do this from
3. ask why he finds talking/texting other women
more enticing than talking/texting messages to you
4. seek marriage counseling

If he does leave, the only way he gets back into
your "bed and breakfast" is to demonstrate that
this behavior has changed and he has a track record
that is however long you believe necessary to prove
he has changed. (six months, a year?)

At such time, he must be willing to live his life like an
open book. He must also tell you how his actions and
behavior have hurt you. Unless and until he can do
both, he doesn't get a door key.

[COLOR="blue">we always got into fights bout it but he would always make up for it. [/COLOR]

Here is an article to read about fighting:
Confrontations-- About Fighting, Arguing & Negotiating

[COLOR="blue">There for a while he stop and thangs was good then he went to texas for two weeks for his job..I went up there and we had amazeing sex but for him to come back and he is talkin to someone else.[/COLOR]

Asked and answered, above.

[COLOR="blue">Well she found out her man was cheatin on her and doin the same thang to her as my man is doin to me so I felt a lil sorry but good cuz now she knows how I felt so I let her come to a bbq at our house cuz he asked if it was ok and she wanted to say sorry[/COLOR]

So, when are you going to woman up and state that enough is enough? When are you going to walk up to your husband, look him square in the face, clutch his balls, squeeze!, and tell him what to do--1, 2, 3, 4?
Do not be in a hurry to let go.

Two wrongs do not make a right.

[COLOR="blue">for me to go though his phone today to find out that they was talkin again bout how they wanted to meet up again and he felt bad cuz she had to go and how she liked him and she stated something bout not wantin to piss off his soon to be ex wife talkin about me it hurts a lot and I just dnt no what to do anymore[/COLOR]

I hope I am dividing up your message correctly. Without punctuation it is difficult to tell where one thought ends and another begins.

Here are two facts for your consideration:
A. Whatever he chooses to do to you and your marriage,
he will do to someone else in the future
B. He is demonstrating a blatant disregard for you, all that
you stand for, and your marriage

Do you get that he is cheating on you? What are you going to do about him?

[COLOR="Blue">we have kids together and I can't leave him cuz I have no were to go I try not to let him see it gettin to me but I just can't and I can't make him stop so what do I do?[/COLOR][/QUOTE]

Yes, you can leave him. Women who have been physically abused do move out in order to save themselves and their children, so, yes you can. Most states and communities have shelters. Contact a minister, even if you do not belong to a church, and ask for help, either directly through the church, or simply in order to find public agencies that are there to help. It is not that you cannot move out, just that you do not yet have the tools. Now, I ask in a different way: when are you going to become pro active and take action?

As an alternate to talking to a minister, talk to the police or a family counselor about what help is available in your community. The information is free, you just have to step up and ask.

Your next step is to get some gumption and take care of yourself and your children. You can and you should take action. Women all over the U.S. do so every day after having put up with far worse treatment than the aggravation you are experiencing.

Acquiring Self Confidence

Dealing with Adultery

I hope this is of help. Got questions?

> we always got into fights bout it but he would always make up for it.

If this was truly the case then you would not be upset, seeking answers. If your husband had changed his ways, you would not have written your letter to us seeking ideas and guidance.

How long before you expect him to make up to you, yet again? Please understand, that these little appeasements that you are accepting or tolerating are cover up actions, not repairs or changes. He is doing what he is doing with other women because he can. Yank his chain and put a stop to this. If he won't stop, then you have the tools, above, to move on with your life while hopefully giving him a wake-up call.

Here is a quote from the following article listed in the Index.

"If you are a guy, are you going to have a trophy wife that you woo'd, bedded, possibly got pregnant, and then leave to her own devices while you proceed to devote much of your free time to the truck, car, and their repairs and modifications, hunting or fishing, or just out with the boys, while your wife and child sit on the front stoop waiting patiently and anxiously for you to give them some of your precious time? Have you matured sufficiently to spread your wealth and divide it up among all of your interests, placing family first?"

I think we are ready to live together!!

In your situation, he seems to be out with the girls!

Resources:

Look in the index of your telephone directory for "women's services" or "women's counselors", "marriage and family therapists"; and, social workers or social services. Make an appointment with one or more agencies and go talk to them and acquire some information. Knowledge is empowering!

Got questions?

All I can say is: Your children is looking up to you, in order to learn how to set boundaries for themselves and others, what to put up with and what not to, how you should treat others and how you should expect others to treat you...

Do you really want your children to learn, from your example, that it's perfectly okay that Daddy is making Mommy sad by talking, flirting and maybe sleeping with other women?

Do you want your daugther to learn that THAT is the kind of man worth fighting for?

Do you want your son to learn that THAT is the kind of man to look up to? The way to be a good husband - a good father?

I didn't much appreciate my parents divorce when I was a child. But as an adult I much appreciated what I learned from it; not to live with disrespect, being strong enough to hold my own and not let some bastard hurt me. In my case it was my dad who left my mom, and I admire him for it. Even as a child it gave me a certain amount of respect for him and it taught me a good lesson when it comes to love:

Respect yourself.

They're all right, you know. Everything they have said is spot on correct.
That being said - it is time for another perspective.

RULE YOUR HOUSE

By this I mean that you make the rules and set up the demands of what goes on with you and yours. Thus far, your husband has had it all his own way according to his rules. This has got to stop.

First, stop looking through his phone. You're his wife therefore you have the power to strip him of everything he has and will have. HE IS YOURS. So stop with the whining, the snooping, the weeping - such actions are unworthy of a Queen. Yes, you heard me correctly. You are the woman in possession and "she who must be obeyed" or else his life goes to hell.

Next set up your house as you want it. Stop doing his laundry if it is not convenient for you to do his laundry. Fix meals that you enjoy and have meals when you and the kids want and need them. Don't buy clothes for him, run his clothes to the cleaners or have anything to do with anything that is his - until he toes the line. He has to show that he respects you by cleaning up his act and 'cleaving' to you. Until then, you show him complete indifference. Ignore him and stop caring if he comes or goes. He's insured so if he dies - hey, it is all good. Also no more sex with unless YOU start it, say who will do what to whom, how and when and ONLY if you want him. If he wants sex - oh well, sorry about that, guess he'll have to go and talk about having it instead of actually having it. Make him feel your distain. No need to shout, talk and argue about it. Just do it. Never mention his texting. Make him feel that he's just a wallet just like he's been treating you as a housekeeping babymaker.

RULE YOUR HOUSE

Yes, I know this is easier said than done when you've been raised to be a doormat for some man but, girl, wise up. He's acting this way because you have been acting like a doormat instead of a wife. You would not have to put both of you through this if you had shut him down hard from the beginning.

If you do not want to do this, then your only two options are either to accept being a doormat for the rest of your life or to divorce him and strip him bare. Your choice.

NO NO NO NO!!! How can you just sit back and let this happen? Put your foot down! You are NOT a weak little housewife that he can walk all over and show him that! And for him to even have the nerve to ask if that home wrecking hoe can come to your home is unacceptable. And for you to allow it is even more unacceptable! Don't feel bad at all for her, it's called karma. How can you just sit back? It would take everyone I know to hold me back from stomping her into the ground. Not just that she may be sleeping with your husband but she has the ordasity to show her face in your home! A womans house is the one place she can show her true self, it's your like pride! And she disrespected you in your home, whether to your face or not is regardless. As for your husband, make him think he's getting some really kinky sex and tie him to the bed and then lay down the law! Ok, maybe not that drastic but really, tell him how it is and dont let yourself be disrespected. I would tell him for real that this is NOT ok, and that if he wants to lose everything, his wife, children, money! Honey, child support, and if he's supporting you alimony. Remind him that's everything he's created with you and he's willing to throw it away. Remind him of what you had and what made him ask you to spend the rest of your lives together in the first place. I used to worry that my husband might do something before we had that trust that every relationship needs to survive. I used to check his phone expecting to see something devastating like you see all the time and I'm sorry this is happening to you but you dont have to let it happen, you can stop it but you have to stand up and make it stop!!! Whether that means making yourself known and putting your foot down or finding a lawer and grilling him for all he's worth. I'm just saying find your balls cause apparently your husband has two sets.

How sad. The o/p has not logged in since the 8th and has missed several excellent recommendations.

I hope for those also reading this thread who have the same family dynamics that they will be able to benefit from all the responses.

-doc

Oh go ahead and do something drastic like tying him down onto the bed - might be just what he needs!

Heck, I'd do it *evil grin* !!!

Unless she's requesting payment for sex, the other woman is NOT a whore. Precision, please! And for all you know, usmc, he may have told her his wife was okay with this 'affair'. Save the ire for that bastard the OP's married to.

I didnt say she was a whore, I said hoe. And it's just that the other has absolutely no respect and then came to her home and disrespected her is why I would have a serious problem with her.
and yeah maybe she should get a little drastic on the husband haha.

> I didnt say she was a whore, I said hoe.

And the difference being one does "it" for money and may or may not be groomed to the nines; while the other doesn't necessarily do it for money and may not necessarily be dressed well.

Excuse me? Hoe is short for whore by those who are mealy-mouthed.
Amazing that we have so many words for women and very few for men.
STOP FOCUSING ON HER - the 'other woman' is of no importance. Calling her names will deflect the OP's ire toward her instead of at the correct target.

HE is the point of this discussion. Either his wife convinces him that his fidelity is of supreme importance to her, and why this is so, or nothing will change.