me and my bf have been having sex for awhile... and everytime he cums pretty quick. sometimes he cums super fast but even on the longer times he still cums really fast. well we have a lot of foreplay and stuff so i get satisfied and everything and he really enjoys everything but everytime he just gets so down and puts himself down for not being able to last longer. I try to explain to him that i don't mind if he cums fast and that i still get pleasure from it but i don't think he believes me. i think he's just putting way to much pressure on himself to make me orgasm through sex. he feels like he hasn't satisfied me if he didn't make me orgasm just through the sex. i just want him to be able to enjoy it and not concentrate on just making me orgasm or lasting longer. is there anything i can say or do to let him know this? because i've tried to explain to him but he just doesn't seem to believe me
Mon, 09/20/2004 - 00:28
#1
he's taking it too hard
i'm gonna throw this in as reassurance so IMaChic can give her bf more reassurance. I'm not a quickie guy (i have never orgasmed in under 10 minutes, and no, this is NOT a good thing). But i have still not ever made my girlfriend orgasm from sex. for some girls it's practically impossible anyway. Let him know that the penis doesn't have to do all the work in giving a woman pleasure. I know my tongue and hand do a much better job.
From you post, I get the idea that your boyfriend seems to stop any sexual activity after he orgasms? As such, he feels badly that he was unable to make you orgasm before he was "finished."
If that is the case, then there is something very simple that he could do: Keep going. Just because the male orgasms doesn't mean that you must immediately stop pleasing each other. On the contrary, even after your boyfriend orgasms, he could still use his mouth and fingers to "finish" you off. He could use his penis to continue having sex as well, but a great deal of men report their penis' being too sensitive after orgasming to have sex.
In short, just have him continue pleasuring you after he orgasms. I'd be willing to bet that after a few minutes of that (and seeing the smile on your face), he will probably be ready to "go at it again" very quickly :-)
30 seconds... really?! Okay...
Is he, as demonbuttercup suggests, up for a round two? I mean, if he can continue on, then he needn't worry about coming too fast. Or he could try one of the desensitizing creams... And if he is REALLY insistent on making sure that you orgasm as well... he doesn't have to stop with intercourse. He could get you off manually or orally. Sex is a business of whatever works and whatever makes you happy.
ouch!
30 seconds huh? hmmm
well maybe he could try masturbating beforehand, some guys say that will help.
also, does he wear a condom? condoms can cut back on the sensitivity. especially those made for "lasting pleasure" or they made lubes and creams that desensitize as well.
how old is he? sometimes young guys can't last very long. usually after getting used to sex, they can last longer.
I'm sure he's also psyching himself out. He concentrates so hard on not cumming that he does too fast. its all mental as well as physical.
i know, i'm just kind of stuck... well most of the time after like 30 seconds of actual sex we'll stop for a few seconds cuz he gets really close... but then he just stays really close so when we go again he cums . occassionally he'll last longer than that
Hmmm... I don't know. If he's not willing to believe you when you say you are happy... Just keep trying to be frank about it. Say, "Look, I'm happy and I'm satisfied. If there is something I don't like I WILL tell you."
Just out of curiosity, approxiamately how long is "pretty fast"?
In the original post it sounded like you were very content and satisfied - how long it took him to cum was not an issue. That being the case, encouraging him to "last longer" is not a solution, it's going to make him feel worse.
I'd use this approach: "Sex with you is awesome and I love it! But the way you beat yourself up after it is a real downer and you need to stop it because it's spoiling what is otherwise a great thing." The idea is to get him to see that you DO have a complaint. The complaint is that he's obviously not happy with sex with you... or at least he makes you feel that way when he does his usual whining.
Obviously you can't make him believe you when you say you're satisfied, but you can be quite insistent that he stop unloading his feelings of inadequacy on you... that might sound mean, but you're doing him a favor, really. Some people would suggest that he does this because he wants your attention and reassurance. Help him learn to believe in himself!
It might help to use an analogy or turn the tables on him... pick a restaurant to go out to eat... then during dessert start beating yourself up (HARD) over your selection. When he (hopefully LOL) gets all wound up and starts assuring you that you did fine... "Now you know how I feel!"
Sometimes you have to shock people into seeing their own behavior. In similar situations I've actually grilled the other person with "when did you decide I was a liar?" to get them to see that they were focused on their own feelings, not mine.