You're right.

It's confusing.

You are best friends and lovers but don't go out?

I guarantee there's a correlation between your relationship (or lack thereof) and you feeling nervous and scared. Fixing the relationship will be a good start.

If he needs more time then give him time. Give him space and alone time so that he can think thigs through... like that corny saying goes, "If you love something let it free. If it comes back it was meant to be."
Just remember, iif he's not happy, you won't be happy, and the relationship will fail anyways. It hurts to let go of a relationship but in the end it's usually worth it.

He needs more time?

Okay, so stop sleeping with him and give him more time.

What you are doing now is not going to fix the relationship and getting better at it isn't going to help. You may not know how to fix the relationship, but one guarantee is that what you are doing now is actually making things worse.

Perhaps you could explain why your are so comfortable with a guy who wants you to be more aggressive sexually but won't "go out" with you?

See. the point was (is), you aren't likely to be able to change what you do without changing how you feel... being more aggressive is going to require a different kind of comfort. You're going to have to be comfortable with yourself and with the relationship in total.

If you somehow manage to force yourself to perform the way he wants, at least recognize that is what you are doing.

You may have hurt him but now it sounds like he's using you.

Until you can look him straight in the eye, you can't be more aggressive. Not really.

First step to fixing the relationship is to forgive yourself for hurting him. Second step is to expect him to forgive you as well. Until you both get throught that, trying to improve your sex life is pretty pointless.

put it this way.. if he says he needs more time but is comfortable sleeping with u then obviously he just wants to get around and is using u for fun or doesn't want to be tied down to just one girl.

like others have said if he 'needs more time' just leave him be till he 'thinks things through' the more u give him while hes 'thinking' the more he will be 'thinking'

If he's telling you that he loves you, he obviously doesn't need more time to think. If he can bear to be with you constantly and have sex with you, he obviously has gotten over any hurt he might have felt.
In fact, by some definitions, spending time together and going to watch movies would in fact mean you two are going out... if he's already decided that you're going to go out again later, he's made up his mind.

I'd say you're being blatantly used.

Interesting hypothetical question arises from this...

If someone is clearly being used, but likes that they are...

Are they really being used?

That will make your head hurt. LOL

Don't, however, miss the point. The mechanics of being more aggressive are pretty simple, you reach first. Changing the fact that you can't and are nervous is also simple, but it requires more than learning the mechanics. The very fact that he's telling you to be more aggressive means you can't, he's the aggressor because he's in total control of the sex and the relationship. Fundamentally, you are way too afraid of messing up to be more aggressive. Small wonder... one question is who's training you? Are you punishing yourself for hurting him or is he?

I guess it's nice that you don't feel used. You might also think the earth is flat, but you'll have to ignore a lot of facts to do so... and you'll probably have trouble getting a lot of people to agree with you. The problem is, methinks, that while you are happy with the current arrangement, he is not. He wants you to be more sexually aggressive while he gets more space and time. One other question that's been overlooked so far: WHY? Why would a guy who needs all this time and space expect you to be able to reach first?

BTW, having sex doesn't "just happen." If it did, we wouldn't have people asking how to be more aggressive.

[QUOTE=alisonw86]Using protection is not something I do well. I already have a baby but it was planned.[/quote]
He's using you for sex, not to bear his child. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be happy if he got you pregnant... birth control isn't the issue, but I'm very glad you're using it.

[quote=alisonw86]Why would he waste his time using me. Why would he stay over at my house, come over all the time, say we love each other, have sex, kiss, and everything else if he's using me?[/quote]
That's how he's using you. He wouldn't exactly tell you "Hi, Darling. I don't care who you are or what you think, I just want to **** you." He's appearing to care for you to keep you blindly loyal to him while he gets what he wants: sex.

If you really want to keep your relationship going, that's your choice. However, read the posts about how he "needs time to think"... while having sex with you. That sort of dichotomy simply doesn't happen in a healthy relationship. You're being used, m'dear.

[quote=alisonw86]He has never cheated on me, lied to me, used me in any way, and treated me wrong.[/quote]
And you know this for certain? Consider how he's telling you one thing while acting out another, and the fact that you even had a question to bring to this forum. That means there's a problem. Admittedly we might have had something to do with it in our blunt approach, as you've suddenly gone defensive, but that can't be helped now.

[quote=alisonw86]So why would he start now?[/QUOTE]
Why not? He's getting what he wants and he has you utterly hoodwinked.

Please, something's not right here. If nothing else, you two have little to no meaningful communication. Change that if you want a healthy relationship.

Ummmmm.... Browser? I think you may have misread what she wrote:

"Using protection is not something I do well."

This just keeps getting worse. Now we learn that she's "planning" to have another baby. (Anybody who doesn't do well using protection is planning to get pregnant when you come right down to it.)

In the final analysis, she has no problem. She's happy being used and ignoring the facts. He apparently fits her definition of prince charming... a guy who shows up when he wants, plays a few games, watches a movie and gets his rocks off.

He on the other hand has a problem, she's not performing sex quite the way he'd like her to... how much you wanna bet it's not a big enough problem for him to stop? (or, for that matter for him to do anything about... we've not heard much about how he's trying to help her be more assertive, etc.)

How much you wanna bet he'll hang around playing games and watching movies until she gets pregnant?

When she does, how much you wanna bet he'll need a lot more space?

You're right, Wally... must have been wishful thinking :-/

Alison, ultimately it's your choice. You came for advice and we told you what we think. What you do with that is up to you.

Just please, please use protection. Properly.

[QUOTE=alisonw86]Yeah I go want another baby but he don't want one right now. We are careful when having sex. Why would he come over interact with my baby, my mom, my granny, and my sister if he's using me? [/QUOTE]

Ummm...that would probably be so that your mom, granny and sister don't kick his sorry using ass for doing a booty call right in their faces???

This relationship is what people would call comfortable. He is getting sex from you without commitment. Why spend the time, energy and possibly money to woo another girl who may not put out when he's got the perfect girl lined up and ready to go?

Ever heard the phrase "Hook, line and sinker"? He's got you. He keeps you there with guilt by saying, "ooooh, you huuuurt me...now let me bang you to make up for it...and while we're at it, could you be a little more aggressive cuz sex with you is kind of boring." He IS using you. If he isn't ready for a relationship with you, then STOP having sex with him until he is! If you hurt him so badly, why is he coming back now? Cuz he is hor-nay!

Come on, everybody...all together now: Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free??

Honey, please open your eyes and see this relationship for what it is. If he wants to be friends, be friends. If he wants a relationship, including sex with you, then do that if you want. But for Heaven's sake, have some self-respect and put your foot down--make the decision for him if he can't...or won't.

[QUOTE=alisonw86]Yeah I go want another baby but he don't want one right now. We are careful when having sex. Why would he come over interact with my baby, my mom, my granny, and my sister if he's using me? Why would he invite me over to his house and bring my baby with me play with him and his family play with my baby if he is using me? Ya'll don't know everything! Ya'll are supposed to help not critisize.[/QUOTE]

You're right; we don't know everything. One thing I don't know is why you ignore 98% of what people say.

But that is certainly a choice you are allowed to make. Just like you are choosing to get pregnant again... I'm mildly curious: is the first one his?

One thing about people who need help is that they don't get to unilaterally decide what sort of help you get. You have been offered tons of help, you're ignoring it.

I do have to disagree with Fluffer on one point - I think you have TOO MUCH self-respect. It doesn't begin to occur to you that you might be wrong. It doesnt enter your mind that there are consequences with actions or lack of action. You want us on this forum to behave the way you think we should. Well, the world does not revolve around you, girl.

Thanks, Browser... I think I'm giving up. :-) I'm certainly capable of supporting recreational sex (sex without a relationship) if the people involved are honest about what they are doing and are responsible about birth control and STDs. Since neither of those two components seem to be in place here...

[QUOTE=alisonw86]My bestfriend which is also my lover. We act like we go out but we don't. Its confusing. But anyways, he wants me to be more agressive. I've never done that. He wants me to start it when we have sex but I've never done that and I'm nerves about it. I'm scared I'm going to mess up or something. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can over come my fear? Does anyone also have any suggestions on how to start it? I want to please him but everytime I think about doing it, it makes me nerves and scared and I don't really know why?:confused:[/QUOTE]
Bolds are mine.
Fear is the most powerful motivator of people. It is imbedded in our brains at even the most basic level. Fear is perhaps the most useful instinct we all have. If you're afraid, there's a reason. If you look at the wording in your post, you'll probably see that you've actually implied a number of relationship problems in your question. Those little messages tell us that you arn't happy. THERE IS A PROBLEM. If you chose to ignore it, that's your prerogative... but it doesn't make ignoring the problem a good choice. Pretending that something doesn't exist doesn't actually make it go away.

if you don't like the answers given, maybe u shouldnt have asked the quesiton, if u dnt like wat u hear.

If she hasn't figured it out by the time she replies, I'll throw in the towel as well.

Good try though; it's always a pleasure to work with you guys.

Please, don't ask for advice if you want it. Our concern was not so much with your level of responsibility or maturity, but with the relationship you're in. You asked us what we thought and we told you. Don't be offended by hearing things that do not appeal to you.

Goodbye, and try to think on what we said; if we didn't mean it, we wouldn't have posted it.

I completely defer to those who are analyzing the relationship and quality of it, and I agree that when you become more solid personally the physical comfort will follow. Just as an aside, though, I do know a few ways of initiating things in case you havent tried these:

say you are wearing your favorite underwear
grab your crotch and say that youre dying of hunger
massage his back, then kiss it all over, then kiss his throat, and so on
literally jump up and hang onto him, maybe wrap your legs around him
sit on his lap then bounce up & down on it a little
complain that you havent been laid in days/hours/whatever
ask him for help in the shower
say 'want to see something?' and flash your titties real quick

it seems like im forgetting one or two good ones, funny ways, but ill add them later if i remember them. also, i dont mean to advocate being so immature or even damaging, but one way to get him to stand up for you is always to mention your 'other' boyfriend. nothing will make him respect you more than competition will, or more quickly. if he gets mad and leaves instead, you would be the better off for it, because if he is not willing to fight for your monogamy, he is not taking you seriously enough.

I'm going to focus on the original question of "How do I be more aggressive" and piggyback off erin's response here:

One of my faves is "I'm not wearing any panties..."
Then, grab his hand, and let him feel that you're not...
He loves it...and man, does it lead to good sex!

Alison - they were answering your question if you really think about it and they did a fabulous job at it.

Why do you think you're nervous? You don't want to lose him and in your mind, you need to be perfect and give him what he wants in order to get him back. You want to give him what he's asking.

If you were definitely in a solid relationship with him, then you wouldn't be so afraid of losing him and afraid of screwing up. Hense, the nervousness would go away. You shouldn't have to force these things.

Nice try, Secret Poison. This has got to be one of the most sadly amusing threads we've had in a while. I believe it was Ben Franklin who said, "Ignorance is bliss."

=) Or a quote that is more fitting to your name WallyLlama(I don't know why but everytime I see your name I keep thinking Dalai Lama):

"Where ignorance is our master, there is no possibility of real peace."
-Dalai Lama

Well, my friend, you have been getting some insightfful and sage advice. Why not reread the above posts.

> I give him his space and time to think. Everytime we sleep together he always starts it. He says we are going to go back out he just needs to stop hurting first. Ya'll say he's using me well I don't think so. If he is then I'll find out somehow.

It is clear to the rest of us that you are being used for his pleasure. The one area of his being that you do not know very well is that part of the male psyche that lets him seek out and enjoy sex on the one hand while on the other is too hurt to socialize with you. Come on now. Here's the deal: He is not so hurt to get it on with you. If he was so hurt as you describe then he would not be having sex with you. He will (and is) tell you anything to bed you. What he wants he is getting; what you want you seem to be waiting endlessly for--a date. I do not see it happening and I know the male pretty well. Here is another adage: "Why by the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

As for initiating romantic interludes, just hold hands and/or kiss him lightly--then grab and pull him toward you and plant one right on his kisser. Usually that is all it takes, or something similar, before the guy grabs the reins away. If not, well, just do what you do in response to what he does when he starts things only do it first.

You need to trust your heart and do what your heart says to do. As for iniating sex, I was one of those that always waited untill he started it but after talking to my husband (and being with him for 12 years) I've found ways to get it started: One great way is to text him something erotic and vivid, ex: I want to feel your hands on my pussy and your cock in my _____(name the hole). I send erotic text messages to my husband AT LEAST once a week. Other ways are start with a backrub and then go lower and massage his rear and then ask him to roll over and massage his chest and work your way lower. Just trust your instincts, everyone has to start somewhere and don't be embarressed, you had to learn to crawl before you learned to walk, and you had to learn to walk before you could run, Right? Any thing you do you're friend/lover will appreciate!!!! Hope you enjoy yourselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:) :)