I am in love with a man who is addicted to porn. We have been together for 2 years and have an otherwise good relationship and a very active sex life. I am so hurt by his continued need to view porn on a regular basis that it is beginning to affect my feelings about him, myself and our chances of having a long-term relationship. I have explained my feelings; that it makes me feel hurt and offended and that it makes what we have together seem cheapened. He says that it's not about me or even about getting turned on (yeah right!) but that it's "fun to look at" and he thinks it's unfair of me to ask that he stops. I am not a prude by any means! I had Playgirl magazines before we got together and definitely used them to fill a sexual/fantasy/ lack-of-a-real-man-in-my-life need. I have him now and don't need to look at other men to get thrills! I have also offered to watch porn movies with him and get turned-on together which would result in mutual fun! He doesn't want to do that and is clear that he likes viewing porn on-line in our home as a solo activity. Every time I leave the house I am miserable with the knowledge that he is getting thrills from looking at raunchy, explicit, photos and videos of women that I could never hold a candle to as far as body, size of breasts and youth. I might not feel this sensitive or offended over time and as we go on, but right now, I want him to stop "needing" to see other women and mostly I want him to put my feelings above his desire to do this. Can you help me sort this out, either with myself or give him information from someone besides me, who feels that his habit is destructive to a happy relationship?
Fri, 07/06/2007 - 13:28
#1
He likes porn TOO MUCH!
hMmm normally i would say there's no crime in looking, but it does seem strange that he turned down your offer to watch it with him...he may have a deeper issue going on that hasn't been addressed
well guys are different true i personally don't feel the need for it if I have a girl on my mind, I have to admit he seems to not consider your feelings that much
Your feelings of insecurity are YOUR responsibility not his.
Those women are manufactured to look they way they do and will only last about 3 years in the industry anyway. In other words - they are not REAL women - they are merely female bodies. They are not "competition". He knows this because he says it is "fun". Kind of the male equivalent of the romance novel and that's precisely how YOU should regard pornography.
Everyone uses pornography their own way. His way is not necessarily better or worse than your way. Instead of fighting him - try to see what KIND of pornography he's looking at. The fact that he's not watching it with you indicates that he's indulging in fantasy. I'd bet that he's watching the kind of sex he'd never dare ask to enjoy with you. It might be interesting to find out - dontcha think?
If you are otherwise happy with him, I'd let this issue go. There is so much more to be getting on with. I've been married to the same man for 29 years now so I am speaking from experience. Porn is the LEAST of your worries.
EvilEvilKitten is totally right, this is a problem with you, it's something that you yourself need to deal with. I love my girlfriend, but I still have porno dvds. She knows that I have them and that I watch them, and she doesn't have a problem with it. This is something that you need to work out for yourself. That being said, I would let her join me...on occasion. But he may just need a little "me time".
Foxdan - there's nothing here that's hurting her any more than her romance novels hurts him. Stop trying to turn her into a whiner.
The only real issue with pornography is what kind.
I wouldn't worry so much about it. As stated above. he might just be embarrased by some of the things that turn him on in the video's. If you guys are having a healthy sex life, i wouldn't worry at all.
He knows how you feel so let him continue maybe soon he will come out of his shell and invite you to look with him and tell you what he looks at and what turns him on
One thing to remember is that it is eye candy for him and how a mans mind works is totally different from a woman’s
The more you try to stop it the more he will fide ways to hide it
As long as he knows how it hurts you it will play on him
Put a photo of yourself on his pile of playboys videos’ ect so he will be reminded that he is hurting you
I appreciate the different views but want to clarify a few things... There is NOTHING I wouldn't do or haven't done for him in our bed! He admits to having more and better sex with me than ever in his life. Trust me, I wear the guy out! The kind of porn he likes isn't even the point. It's that he is looking at other womens tits-n-twats that bums me out! It feels like he's cheating! It's the equivalent of me spending time searching the web for guys with huge dicks not me reading a book! I outgrew "romance" novels in my teens!
Fine! Be that way - run the man ragged! Enjoy life!
Give him hell for it. Make his life hell. Make him feel guilty as sin.
Tell him he's scum. Go ahead!
Do you feel any better than you did before?
Has it made your marriage better than it was?
Probably not.
Congratulations!
Void, void, void, void.
Might I just add... from experience, men are not looking AT the women thinking "I want to do that to HER" they are simply thinking, "I want to do THAT!" and, I also believe many women feel insecure when men get worked up after watching porn and come wanting sex - they think he's thinking of having sex with that woman he just watched. Hes ACTUALLY thinking (usually at least) of doing what he just watched TO YOU.
So... try to open your mind, and think of porn as an odd marital aid! (Unless it becomes an addiction) - but if sex at home is good, perhaps hes learning new things to try with you from those raunchy movies!
evil kitten, sorry but lots of women have problems with it, just as i have.
i talked to him about it, i've made him feel guilty. but that wasn't my intention.
it is not only MY problem that i'm insecure. HE makes me insecure by doing that. And HE needs to make me feel better, and comfort me, and definitely if he wants to keep doing it!!
chillipepper, thanks for your reply, i look at it the same way, but didn't think guys could. i really thought they are in it for the perfect women.
I joined this site and posted this because I truly needed to get some other views and perspectives on a confusing and troubling issue. I appreciate the different perspectives but am frankly mystified by the adversarial and mean-spirited response! Take a breath!
If there is no addiction it makes no difference why a man watches it. Maybe it's to get off or just to say it looks like fun. Much of it is garbage but it destresses our minds.
Can I make a suggestion? I've been reading too much [url=www.thestranger.com/savagelove]Dan Savage but I think the best way to sort this out (assuming you can't accept his porn... "consumption"? and he can't live without porn) is to pretend it doesn't happen. Speak to him. Explain that you don't want to know anything about the porn he watches. Then, pretend it doesn't happen.
The fact that he's unwilling to accept you as part of his porn watching makes me think EEK's advice could be spot on. He's probably showing some side of himself that he doesn't want you to see. Maybe he's got a foot fetish, maybe he's watching gay porn. Until he tells you (Or you start snooping, which will only end in disaster) I'd suggest you just try not to worry too much.
Comparing it to cheating is, frankly, ridiculous. This has nothing to do with other women. It's simply a masturbation aid. No different than a lubricant. Have you ever felt jealous about a bottle of lube? If not, I wouldn't worry too much about his porn.