my boyfriend and i have been dating for over a year, and we just started having sex less than a month ago. the first time was not very good, but i didnt expect that it would be. however, we had been "humping" for a LONG time before that, and he never really had a problem staying hard or cumming while we doing that, and it wasnt even skin on skin. now that we're having sex, its not the same...he wont get fully aroused and then start to get smaller in the middle of it, and wont be able to orgasm. i know that its harder for me to reach an orgasm than for him, so right now since we're learning i just want to make sure he's enjoying it, and i dont think he is at all. he's completely silent, and the fact that he cant stay turned on makes me feel like im not sexy enough or something like that. i ask him to help me out, to tell me what is sexy to him and what he wants, but he isnt really telling me much, like he just wants me to automatically know how to be sexy. also, sometimes he thinks long sex means good sex, and will be inside for over an hour. im not feeling any pain inside, but my legs start to hurt, but i dont know how to tell him to cum faster.
am i completely horrible at sex if he cant cum? and what can i do to turn him on more?
Bamboo, I would agree with you that this is a little more about emotions than sex itself.
But I would also agree with those who suggested you move on from this guy. He's not taking care of you emotionally. If he were getting angry and frustrated with the SITUATION, that's one thing. But if that were the case, a normal/mature person would be talking with you about it instead of blowing it off and taking it out on you.
But he's not reacting the way a normal/mature person would-he's directing his negative energy at YOU, and you don't need it for lots of reasons that stretch beyond the bedroom. Having said that, WITHIN the bedroom, it's perpetuating the problems, because it makes it more stressful, which makes it more difficult.
Previous posts are correct in that you need a guy who can be sensitive to your needs and wants and talk with you about his.
ok so i read this advice before i saw my boyfriend today. and i tried to get him to talk about it, but for some reason he wont, he just plays it off as neutral and that everythings fine when i know its not. but then eventually, he tells me that hes not feeling anything when he's inside, and that i turn him on and then abandon him, even though im trying really hard to keep him turned on and to get him to orgasm, but he just gets frustrated when what im doing isnt working, and just wants to stop instead of fixing the problem. i guess this question has more to do with emotions than just plain sex, but i feel so useless and inadequate and i just need advice on how to keep him hard, or i need to know why he isnt feeling anything i guess? i was a virgin before we had sex, although he had been fingering me for about....6 months? is he not feeling anything because im too big? because when he is hard, he is definitely not small
What's the bet that he'd just as frustrated as you are? He's denying it because it may seem too hard to fix.
The issue is him. But not in a 'I'm broken and need viagra or i can't get it up' way.
Basically, he's so worried about doing the right thing, making sure you're comfortable and it's pleasurable that it completely kills his drive. Add to that some positions that just don't work for him and whammo! instant killer.
If he's a man that attaches emotion to sex, he's also a man that can kill sex with emotion.
Be supportive, encourage him to talk, don't be nagative (as hard as that is) because he's already negative. Adding yours on top won't help.
However, if he doesn't make any effort whatsoever in a resonable amount of time.. you need to decide what you want from this relationship and if the lack of sex is worth it to you.
ahem...HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ORGASM - NOT YOU!!
Got the message, dear? Then make damn sure HE gets the message next time you see him. His inability is his problem and his making you feel bad about it is the mark of an inadequate, insecure lout! Kick the bastard to the curb!
BTW this is what you get for choosing unskilled males. Go and get yourself a guy who knows what he's supposed to be doing.
[quote=bamboo.001;211242]ok so i read this advice before i saw my boyfriend today. and i tried to get him to talk about it, but for some reason he wont, he just plays it off as neutral and that everythings fine when i know its not. but then eventually, he tells me that hes not feeling anything when he's inside, and that i turn him on and then abandon him, even though im trying really hard to keep him turned on and to get him to orgasm, but he just gets frustrated when what im doing isnt working, and just wants to stop instead of fixing the problem. i guess this question has more to do with emotions than just plain sex, but i feel so useless and inadequate and i just need advice on how to keep him hard, or i need to know why he isnt feeling anything i guess? i was a virgin before we had sex, although he had been fingering me for about....6 months? is he not feeling anything because im too big? because when he is hard, he is definitely not small[/quote]If he is not telling you what he likes and is getting angry w/ you. I'd get up and walk away. Tell him next time try a mind reader. If he is blowing off the matter & getting frustrated w/you that's his issue not yours. Walk since you are not responsible for his happiness.
He is feeling insecure. The reason is he's worried about his performance, or your satisfaction, or pregnancy, or disease, or someone finding out and telling - lots of possibilities. None of them have much to do with you. He has to become comfortable with himself, with you, and with sex itself. But you can help him out here.
1. reciprocate - but as much effort and time into caressing and satisfying him as he does for you.
2. accellerate - become easy to orgasm by learning to relax and roll with the feelings that signal the onset of orgasm. Enjoyment should not be disguised or faked.
BCPs and condoms should take care of the physical consequences of sex. The emotional issues can be controlled by caring about eachother as persons, enjoying eachother's company both in and out of bed, and by fully participating and enjoying sex when in bed.
Of what assistance is a viola here? Try a cello.
Just to add to brandye.
You cant tell a man to cum faster. I mean he cant just close his eyes and think real hard and viola. Orgasm! The fact that he goes limp and stuff could very well be that he is uncomfortable. I know that I could go for hours and would sometimes be semi soft simply because I was still uncomfortable around my girlfriend and thought I had to give her the most amazing sex ever. This would also explain his silence as to telling you what he likes. He may be embarassed or simply not know.
It is virtually impossible fora woman at the beginning of sexual active to be doing anything that would cause this. It is his issue, not yours. Somehow, he is simply not ready and his penis is telling him things that his brain is not. He may be fearful of pregnancy or he may be worrying that he is not pleasing you or many other things.
Declare a no sex day and the two of you talk about it. He will be more uncomfortable than you. You two may decide that sex was premature and pass for a while. You may decide that you are each trying to please the other so much that you are not enjoying it yourselves. Talk it out.
The 'lack of sex'? YES, that's a deal breaker.
But the big issue here is that HE's making HER accept responsiblitiy for HIS orgasm/inability instead of bearing the burden. That's a HUGE red flag and she should simply drop him. No further discussion is required.
> even though im trying really hard to keep him turned on and to get him to orgasm, but he just gets frustrated when what im doing isnt working, and just wants to stop instead of fixing the problem.
It is called communication. Making love is a partnership. It is not what we do to each other; rather, what we do with and for each other. Explore, learn, and work together as a team. Two things are missing in your love making:
1. Feedback. When a man or woman masturbates, s/he has benefit of an internal feedback that lets them modulate movements and make tiny midcourse corrections to the fingering/stroking that we do. This is missing when we turn the reins over to someone else. In order to bring the other person to climax it is necessary that s/he provide some information on how they are responding to our kisses and caresses and for what they need now. This can be accomplished verbally or non-verbally through various forms of body language, hand movements like a squeeze, or, rubbing; a sigh, moan, etc., any or all of which communicate specific information that the other person understands.
2. We have to learn how to mimic the technique our partner uses to masturbate. For guys especially, after passing through puberty, we quickly develop and settle into a routine of hand movements, pressures, and rhythms that we then pretty much rely upon throughout the rest of our life. Oh sure, we may vary the technique somewhat from time to time for variety and curiosity and to keep from becoming bored, however, if we stray too far from the conditioning we know works, either an orgasm will not happen or it will be less than desired.
There are articles on all this listed in the Index. I recommend you begin reading.
--BEGIN HERE--w/a Partial INDEX of Sex Info 101 Sex Ed. Topics
As for turning him on, this has two component parts:
1. Sexual attraction brought about by both physical and emotional connections. If the pheromones are not flying between you, there won't be as strong a turn on.
2. Preparing him (and you) for a climax (by whatever means), first and foremost through lots of "lovin'", meaning kissing, caressing, and ultimately, foreplay that includes all the above. Nowadays, couples seem to be oblivious to the importance of fooling around and making out and want to rush right past this all important requirement to arousal and sexual tension and get on to touching each other's genitals ASAP. This is just wrong on so many levels and is a major focus of this site.
If your guy is operating under the misguided misconception that the way to a climax is through lots and Lots and LOTS and LOTS of stroking and thrusting, then you are going about intercourse all backwards. He's essentially placing the proverbial cart before the horse!
As a woman becomes aroused her vagina expands in circumference and this can cause a "loose fit" that doesn't always provide a glove-like fit for the penis and thus when a guy strokes there is less sensation than he is conditioned to need. The major fix, is to bring him to the brink of a climax, first, before engaging in intercourse. The minor fixes along the way are to try different positions and to adjust one or both of your bodies so that his penis has more contact with the lining of the vagina, regardless of the position used.
If he is at the brink of an orgasm when intercourse begins then there is a much better chance that he will reach and achieve a climax within the preferred ten minute range that is comfortable for most women.
Both of you require more information and have some learning to accomplish. A great place to begin is with the link, above.