[QUOTE=sera300;161716]Okay...I read all the advise and the issue is a bit better but there still are a few...here it goes:

First he is divorced for about 8 months now, I am his first new partner since. For the past 8 months he has been taking care of himself. During the relationship with the ex (6 years), this did not happen but did in previous relationships. Hx: of HTN on BP med (the same one) for 5 years and controlled.

Our first rule was keeping his hands off himself to build up some sexual tension, etc. We see each other regularly so no big deal. Since my last post here is the latest:

1-No use of condoms so there is no issue there.
2-He can orgasm through direct stimulation of my hand or mouth--with ease (doing better here).
3-I have waited until he was close to climax and then we tried penetration once it worked fine and he was able to climax, the others well he went limp we went and back to the hand or mouth with success.
4-Next we have tried to keep the same position and let him control the speed, rythm, etc. and this did not work. Also have tried various positions to see which is better, did not work either. It's back to the handjob or blowjob.

What is really difficult is; he satisfies me and then I have to resort back to the other techniques to get him to orgasm. He is frustrated so am I (not that I let him know this!!!) to the extent of why he cannot cum inside of me. I find it pleasureable when climax is reached at the same time.

He said last night to me that it may just be a comfort level issue with him. Also he mentioned his worst fear would be premature ejaculation.

I am open to ideas, suggestions, etc. TNX.[/QUOTE]
I'll try to give you some perspective about this from my own...I mean from this guy I knew..;) ..for some of us sex is 99% mental unlike some, where it is like "doing it like dogs". Perhaps your friend has some deep latent issues..could be from religious upbringing, could be from the way relationships were taught or viewed in his formative years. It could be "fear"...of impregnating(probably not the case here but still stays in the back of the mind), could be the good boy/bad boy thing, but trust him when he says "it's not you"...he knows in his head what is wrong..he just can't communicate it..and that manifests itself while he is in the penetration mode..and just because we(as the man) know we have something not right,it doesn't mean we know how to "fix" it..nor do we want to admit we could seek help for it. This can be very frustrating for you, because it's like you are on the outside looking in and trust me he wants to dearly please you..he's got some type of mental blockage happening...I wish it was easy to overcome. We don't know exactly precisely what is going thru our partners minds when we are engaging..I can't tell you how to "fix" this situation you are in..I don't know if you can "fix" the situation...patience I guess...but then again..how much patience would it take if nothing gets done about it..your relationship is quite new and I guess levels of expectation would be one factor in keeping the relationship growing. That's my take on what might be happening...I hope things work out soon!:)

......................

he is most likely used to a different kind of stimulation. such as a blowjob and masturbation. also he may be having sex to often and not letting his body recoop fully.
maybe have him try not touching himself and see if that helps

I tend to go along with the first part of the reply above; although, there can be other contributing factors that we must simply guess at. For example:

* If he is using condoms, then after one or more climaxes his ability to derive sufficient stimulation while now wearing a condom may not be sufficient to build and then trigger his climax.

* If the two of you are having intercourse and he enters before he has achieved a very high state of arousal, then it can be very hard to build up and peak his ardor just from stroking alone. Better, the two of you fool around a lot and get him to the brink of an orgasm, first, before letting him enter you.

* If he has been masturbating frequently in the days or hours before intercourse, he may find it more difficult to reach a climax--both because he is somewhat desensitized, and also because stroking and thrusting during intercourse provide different sensations and signals than he generally requires to trigger an orgasm.

* If you are attempting to trigger his climax from a hand job or oral stimulation then you are very likely not providing the needed pattern of rhythms, motions, and pressures he has become accustomed to over his life. The fix is to have him demonstrate how he masturbates and then for you to learn to mimic his technique by having him guide your hand for a few sessions. The same holds true for you with him.

I hope this information has been helpful. If you have additional information on all this then please pass it along and we may be able to better zero in on how to "fix" him! :)

[QUOTE=RF4569;161740]Ok, I have had a similar problem. During really long sessions(especially is they are particularly rough sessions), I lose a lot of sensitivity. This happens both during sex and when I'm getting blow jobs. I guess you could somewhat compare it to getting a bit numb. A lot of times, by that point, she is extremely wet which desensitizes things a bit too.

Try taking a break. Maybe some light petting, kissing, etc. Let his erection go away a bit, then try to make him cum. Personally, I don't like to be too hard, because then I lose a lot of feeling.[/QUOTE]

I would tend to go along with RF4569's response. A similar thing happens to me sometimes, too. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, it is very difficult to reach the point of no return. However, it usually only happens to me when I have ejaculated fairly recently. A period of abstinence usually fixes it, so I would suggest doing that. He may just need a bit more recovery time, so try having sex a bit less frequently, and see if that works.

[QUOTE=sera300;161939]Thanks for the responses...we have not seen each other for 2 days, so we shall see what happens later. The relationship is new, I am happy to work through the "matter", hopefully it will disappear over time...I so hope so!!! The most difficult part for me to deal with; is he can make me orgasm and is pretty good at it, it's just I cannot do the same for him with ease! It becomes difficult to get him to orgasm and it makes me feel as if I have done something wrong. Realizing there is little truth to my inner-feelings here, knowing is more then just me, I am on a mission![/QUOTE]

Well, the issue could be quite a few things. I'm going to take a shot, based on my personal experience. The first few times, about 3 or so, that I had sex with my girlfriend, I just plain couldn't cum. It felt good, but I'm guessing because of the difference in stimulation (sex IS quite different from doing it by hand after all) I just couldn't. After a while, I got used to it, and less nervous, and it went away.

Now, is your guy circumcised or not? That also changes how stimulation affects him. If he's uncircumcised, maybe the feeling might just be too much for him, sense he'd be more sensitive.

Most of all, I say just keep trying, maybe trying different things, different positions and whatnot, and things should start to straighten themselves out. Talk with him, ask him to describe his feelings, emotionally and physically.

Sorry, that was all kind of jumbled together. Hopefully some of it helps though.

[QUOTE=sera300;162306]I found plenty of research material on varicoceles relationg to reproductive issues such as sperm counts, etc. But I have found no significant information on it relating to sexual function...any help would be appreciated. Any helpful information on the subject? I know this entire issue is bothersome to him (sexual arousal & orgasm), he has suggested seeing a doctor and I sense his reluctance to do so...he is trying too hard in my opinion. My question is of the male readers; at what point (time wise) would you go to a doctor? 2 months, 3 months, etc.? We do talk, I have reassured him all is okay w/me, and I firmly believe a good portion is in his mind...However, what is your thoughts here if you have anymore then already posted. I am not trying to belabor the point but rather seeing some insight.

Question 3---Dancing Doc, any thoughts???[/QUOTE]

How did this all go Sera? Are you still with the guy? As to your question re when a male would go to the doc, I feel most guys are a bit reluctant and may never go. Maybe a specialist would be easier to talk to. We guys don't have the same interference via medical examinations as you ladies do. Maybe that is something we guys accept too readily. Oh, women have babies and are used to genitalia being viewed by all and sundry. But we blokes...they are still our 'private parts'!

Well, Sera, in spite of all these problems, you still find time time to come on here and help others! I have said before, this site is not just a sterile, medico-sexual advice column. It has some super kind folks within its walls! You are doing well Sera..somebody once said "Nobody can ruin your day without your permissiion.....!!!!":)

[QUOTE=sera300;200370]This adult was better left off to his own "issues"...many became transparent as time went on; ended after a few months. He had medical matters which he was complacent about & rather take a pill for HBP then curb a diet & exercize as the doc suggested. I he did not care about his health & his sexuality; why should I have kept trying?

Furthermore, he lied stating he was married (40) for 6 years---it was merely 6 months. He dated her for 7 years; married and for various reasons (her kids came first) he made her choose between the two. Well? He was seeking a new home fast---failed to mention he was residing with mom (the house financially belonged to the ex-wife prior to marriage). He went back as a homing pigeon since it was the easiest course. The he thought he was in love with me; okay I understand the dynamics of rebounds; he suggested we get married and have kids (knowing him 3 months)...and I was to sell my home to enable him to build his dream house...can we say delusional? Was happy in the position he enjoyed yet being really mainly single never pursued a higher position despite his talent--too easy to stay where you are.

This one was a few months younger then I was; but dated only older women...seeking a "mommy figure" to take care of him and "future kids"--sort of difficult to happen when you cannot work & it was a life long history since his teens. Not willing to be a partner...it was AMF for me! "Failure to Launch"!!!

I had ended an engagement in Sept/Oct just prior to the marriage (my ex-fiance man); this one & I meet just prior to Christmas; just seeking "hanging out" and doing the holiday decorations together rather then alone...then the rest began...[/QUOTE]

Sera, sweety - he's still recovering from his divorce - yes, it can be tough, but you're doing the right things. He does have to relax, regain his confidence in his masculinity, and he has to trust both you and himself. The man's in mental and emotional recovery.

If I may suggest a course of 'treatment'?

Begin with the basics - massage, which gradually becomes erotic massage which then becomes body worship. (yes, you're doing all of the work here) Ignore his genitals for now. Make him feel great! Make him feel 'desired' by whispering how attractive you find him, how good he tastes, how lovely his fur is, how much you enjoy touching him and so on. Go slowly. Go lingeringly; all over his body front and back or back and front. He is NOT permitted to move. He just has to lie there and enjoy it. If he moves - you stop immediately and do not resume until he stays still. Bring him to the peak of absolute 'touch me or I'll scream' desire and then ride him. I recommend being totally unbridled while you are riding him - let yourself really go and enjoy him. The sight and sound of you utterly enjoying him should also help him unleash his own desire.

and if it fails - well - I doubt he'll be complaining.

But you must always speak to his strengths. Nevermind his inability to orgasm for now. Each time he does will bolster his ability to orgasm. If he does something esp well - mix that in each time. If he esp enjoys something - put it into your scenarios. Make sure he's taking his vitamins and drinking enough water, Gatorade, or Full throttle.

WOW! Sounds wild, Sera! Perhaps Male Selection Tips would be more helpful?

But at least, unlike some we could both name - you AREN'T settling for just anyone.

[QUOTE=sera300;200396]In between running in & out of the house!!!:) No problems----just "stuff" which requires solutions! There are times this is therapeutic too...wake up through the night & write...after you slept 6 hours; then back in to sleep for another 6...etc. :)[/QUOTE]
I had a boss once who always said, "Don't bring me problems,bring me solutions" I felt that as a guy who solved the problems, that made me as good as he was.
Sera...there is a guy out there who will make it all worth while...what a lucky guy he will be when he finds you!

Male Selection Tips

1. Attractive. Confident. Socially Poised. Yes/No?
2. Employed. Wealthy. Retired. Which?
3. Does he move well? Physically capable? Yes/No?
4. Witty without being malicious? Brains? Yes/No?
5. Does he genuinely LIKE women? Yes/No?
6. Romantic/Pragmatic? Which?
7. Do others treat him with respect? Yes/No?
8. Clean enough past history? No warrants.
9. Single or Divorced? If never married - why not? If divorced - details please.
10. Sexual experience level. No virgins.
11. Hobbies/Interests?

What you want is an independent, thoroughly masculine - yet neither obsequious or macho - male who is ready, willing, and able to live the life YOU want to live as your equal loving partner. If he talks more or less than you do or it seems to be "all about him", "all about you" instead of "all about us" - let him go.

When I vetted males for my parties, yes those kinds of parties, certain questions were more important than others but I did ask all of those above and selected them based upon their answers cross-referenced with the stated preferences of the ladies planning to attend. In two years, I only let in one "dud".

If your instincts say RUN - no matter what he says or does - RUN!
If the answer to either 5 or 7 is No - RUN!

Exactly the opposite, sera!
Only you know just what will suit you.
You never settle for less than that.

There is nothing wrong with having light fun with Mr. Right Now while you look for Mr. Right but do NOT stay with temporary men any longer than you need to. No settling! *stamp of one stiletto'd foot* Do you understand?

Shine forth and select from those who volunteer.
Those who do not volunteer are automatically discarded.

[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;200457]Male Selection Tips

1. Attractive. Confident. Socially Poised. Yes/No?
2. Employed. Wealthy. Retired. Which?
3. Does he move well? Physically capable? Yes/No?
4. Witty without being malicious? Brains? Yes/No?
5. Does he genuinely LIKE women? Yes/No?
6. Romantic/Pragmatic? Which?
7. Do others treat him with respect? Yes/No?
8. Clean enough past history? No warrants.
9. Single or Divorced? If never married - why not? If divorced - details please.
10. Sexual experience level. No virgins.
11. Hobbies/Interests?

What you want is an independent, thoroughly masculine - yet neither obsequious or macho - male who is ready, willing, and able to live the life YOU want to live as your equal loving partner. If he talks more or less than you do or it seems to be "all about him", "all about you" instead of "all about us" - let him go.

When I vetted males for my parties, yes those kinds of parties, certain questions were more important than others but I did ask all of those above and selected them based upon their answers cross-referenced with the stated preferences of the ladies planning to attend. In two years, I only let in one "dud".

If your instincts say RUN - no matter what he says or does - RUN!
If the answer to either 5 or 7 is No - RUN![/QUOTE]

This is quite brilliant and whilst the 'qualitative' criteria put me in a 'reasonable category' (dare I assume such?), the situation I am in brings down my score. Sadly if one has to pass all tests, I would not cut the mustard. I still think that I have a lot to offer to some kind lady.

Yes, there are those who prefer married men - because they HAVE to go home. Married men are the ultimate toys - just don't go falling in love with him. If she's also married, then a married man is just what she should look for.
Single men and those who are divorced always want to "come first" with you which gets messy. Married men know how to play by the rules.

Of the list - each of us considers certain questions/criteria more important or less important than others. Only you know. The list is OBJECTIVE but there's more to it than that. The point is that SUBJECTIVE matters. If your not getting "good vibes" - then he/she is not for you.