I am going to leave the questions about physical changes and stresses to the women.

As for the orgasms themselves, it is great that your drive has increased and that you are capable of and can achieve orgasms on your own. This indicates to me that there is some liklihood that stress and/or technique could be the problem. Going back to basics--the first question of major concern is is your hubby fingering you while stroking and thrusting away, regardless of the position you are using?

The reason I ask is that very few positions place the female genitalia in constant contact with the male body in order to derive the required and ongoing contact to generate the needed friction. You know yourself that when masturbating your fingers have to be in constant motion in order for there to be a buildup of friction and stimulus; well, if your body is bumping up against his, or rubbing against him, in a hit and miss fashion, there is little chance of there being a buildup. A loving, knowledgeable, skilled, caring, lover will therefore reach around and finger his partner while stroking away.

The second question is one of "communication". Are you informing him either verbally or non-verbally what you need from him? When a person masturbates, we benefit from an internal feedback network that lets us modulate our movements and also change them on an ongoing basis. This is missing when we turn the reins over to someone else. In order to regain feedback, we have to use verbal cues or some form of body language that the two of you work out in order to convey how we are responding and for what we may need NOW.

Third, does he know how to mimic your unique and specific technique of masturbating? Each of the genders goes about this in the same basic way; however, each person goes on to develop a pattern of rhythms, motions, and pressures, that are unique to them and upon which they rely in order to reach a climax most every time. If you have not shown him how you masturbate and have not guided his hand over several sessions until he learns to duplicate what you do then you need to. In fact, he should do the same for you, also.

I do not know whether or not lack of technique and feedback are at the root structure of your problem; however, I can tell you that by incorporating the information, above, your sex life will be much improved.

INTERCOURSE / ORGASMS / and the gentle art of Humping(plus the G-spot and Making Out)

The two of you may well benefit from reading some of the other Sticky messages Brandye and I have posted on various Forums.

I hope this is of help, and that others will contribute to the physiology and stress issues.

> To answer your questions...
> I have and do masterbate with him watching so that he can see what I do but honestly I am really not sure how to put into words what I'm doing "down there".

This is why I recommend guiding his fingers in order for him to pick up your technique. Include feedback so that he knows how you are responding to his caresses and for what you may need-NOW.

> We used to always do all sorts of positions and experiments but would end up with me on top him playing with my nipples and me grinding against him while we would go at it. That is how I would orgasam. For the past couple of years it seems that it is working less and less.

Variety is spice.

The Woman Superior position is one of the few that does permit constant ongoing contact, particularly if you grind rather than stroke.

How close to an orgasm are you when you begin intercourse? You can try the fingering while doing it as the best technique, however, if you are not distracted or find that pausing during the build up squelches your progress toward an orgasm, I recommend the same for you as I do for the guys--namely, spend time making out and building up to the climax with all the kisses, caresses, and foreplay that should preceed intercourse.

There is nothing particularly wrong with not having an orgasm during intercourse as long as you have one or more before and/or after if it is your desire.

> For some reason at that point I am now able to cum with a using vibrator and a dildo laying on my back. I really don't know what has changed.

Conditioning? It might very well be that you have conditioned yourself into a state of bordom. If you use a vibrator frequently to bring about an orgasm, then becoming conditioned to the high intensity will make it difficult for fingers to provide the necessary stimulus.

> He did suggest that when we get some time alone that we would do a "what feels good to me" session. Where he will touch me and I will tell him what feels the best. It sounds great but in truth I'm just scared of being dissapointed again and dissapointing him.

If you have read some of my Sticky posts or some thread replies, you know that I regularly state that making love is a partnership. It is now what we do to each other; rather, what we do with an for each other. I believe your husband is on the right path and should be praised for this forethought. He independently came up with the same recommendation I gave you.

Now, take this a step further. In addition to telling him "what feels good to me", take his fingers and guide his movements all the while providing periodic feedback. This will take a few sessions for him to learn, so do not think you can do this once and he will magically become an expert. The same goes for you with him.

Do not be scared. Explore and learn together as a team. Nurture your man's openness and willingness to learn. A lot of guys just do not get the fact that if "Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" dismissing that there is a very real problem that needs repair. If you discover that something works, keep and use it. If you find something does not, learn from it and go on.

As part of the Basics noted in the first post, why not change your routine?
* Farm the children out to neighbors, friends, or grandparents for an afternoon or evening. Stay at home or go rent a Motel 6 for a few hours and enjoy a change of scenery.

* Schedule some "we" time when the two of you will not be tired.

* Devote plenty of time to just making out. {Please read my Sticky on the topic.)

* Forget the wine. Relax and be comfortable in each others arms and then move on slowly. Snuggle and cuddle, first; then begin making out as noted in the chapter on the subject. Have no demands, simply explore and learn.

You have a willing spirit in that man. If either of you say "I can't" or "I'm scared" exasperation will set in and progress will be difficult. I'm working with a lady dance student right now whose first words at trying anything new is "I can't" followed by an analysis of how to go about it. She is thinking so much that she cannot perform; rather than just "going with the flow" so to speak, and honing her ability with practice, later.

Things won't always go as planned. So what? Dust yourself off and continue on with a smile and caring spirit. This should be able to be fixed, particularly if you place emphasis on making out. In fact, I'd suggest just doing this for a few sessions without intercourse as an objective. Just end with manual and/or oral stimulation and become comfortable climaxing this way. Then in a few weeks, work back into intercourse as the next step in progression. Mood has much to do with this as does being very very turned on. Work on this aspect of your love making before making intercourse the goal. Whether you work on a new game plan strategy for making love or simply improve the existing one, I believe you will find that things can only become better.

So, with all this in mind, begin making out upon waking in the morning before leaving for work with a kind word or deed; with a phone call just to say "HI!" sometime during the day; and, a love note for her to find once in a while when she returns home before you. Set a time for a date night, whether home or a night out. Both of you should alternately take charge of setting the mood and the ambiance. Draw a bath and plan on soaking for half an hour after work. (Get the kids off to bed early, or, farm them out for a few hours.)

Read the chapter on Making out and put the information to good use. Make this your goal for a few sessions before making intercourse your goal. At the end of a make out session if one or both of you wants a climax or two, then help make this happen. Once the two of you loosen up, and then get "tense" through lots of making out, it might just be that orgasms via intercourse (with fingering) will happen more freely. Just a thought worth trying.

> I am not sure if it will help but I will have him read that link.

If he is as willing and interested in improving this aspect of your relationship as you indicate, I think you will find him very interested in learning or relearning.

Anybody else have an idea?