Ok guys, this will be a pretty long read, but I hope that you will take the time to read it because it is a problem of mine that has been bothering me for a while.
First off, I have been with my girl for 9 months now. I know that isn't so long, but we have been around the block and love eachother very much. We started out very physical and intimate (i.e. oral/manual gratification often and occasionally sex). I have been performing oral on her practically every single day for many of the months that we have been together and was recieving manual gratification in return (just a few blowjobs). Then it started getting to the point where she wasn't doing it but maybe once or twice a week. Then once or twice a month... Now it's never. I don't understand what has changed. She loves me more than ever, but has put a total lock down on pleasing my physically. Take note that I still please her (to an explosive ejaculation) practically every day still. Is she not physically attracted to me any more? What could it be? I ask her about it and she gets very defensive and says that she just doesn't want to. I am not being pushy and don't feel like I am being unfair by simply trying to get her to communicate what has changed. I guess my question is mainly for the ladies (buy guys, please chime in). What can I do, if anything, to get her more interested in pleasing me again?
Thanks for reading and I hope to get some help here.
You have attempted discussion. You have tried to tell her how you feel. She's not cooperating. Therefore: she gets what she gives - no more oral for her! There is no need to make a big deal about it - just do everything else. See if she gets a clue. Remember - it isn't the specific act that is the problem - the problem is that she's not willing to honestly discuss the issue as an adult.
The only problem with that is I would be depriving myself of one of the most enjoyable things I can do!!! :D
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;168055]You have attempted discussion. You have tried to tell her how you feel. She's not cooperating. Therefore: she gets what she gives - no more oral for her! There is no need to make a big deal about it - just do everything else. See if she gets a clue. Remember - it isn't the specific act that is the problem - the problem is that she's not willing to honestly discuss the issue as an adult.[/QUOTE]
That could cause some major friction.
That's basically playing games.
Just tell her straight up, if she wants it then she's gonna have to do it.
Dont just do it without telling her hoping she'll get the clue.
Ive told my girl the same thing before, about kissing because she doesnt kiss me properly much. I know it hurts, & you have a million thoughts going arounf your head like "does she not like me anymore? Does she think im ugly?" but you can only really tell her the problem & why you feel like that & hope it gets better.
My problem hasnt got better, but im starting to learn to live with it.
I know i shouldnt have to just live with it, but i love her so much that im willing to just to keep her & avoid her thinking she's an even crappier girlfriend than she already thinks she is.
Have you ever considered intercourse after you have performed oral sex on her? It might help... :rolleyes:
Yea... If that was an option... One minute she is ready to have sex and the next she is soo scared that it makes me paranoid... We have had sex a few times now, and it was great... She is still very tight and it hurts her for the first few minutes... I keep telling her there is nothing to be paranoid about... This is the reason why... First I go in the other room and masturbate, I urinate, take a shower, then put the condom on before I even get in the room. Finally, and most importantly, I pull out WAY before I am about the burst. I don't understand how we could be any safer, but she is still uber paranoid. She was on BC, but her system kicks it back and she gets very ill and has a constant period (she has tried many kinds). Now, I bought this jelly contraceptive, but she says she doesn't want to put that in her body. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to pressure her, but what can I do to make her feel more comfortable like she used to?
[QUOTE=eldiablo_si;168201]One minute she is ready to have sex and the next she is soo scared that it makes me paranoid... [/QUOTE]
Same problem here buddy.
You guys are so chicken that you are letting you gfs get away with all kinds of games and you're telling me "Oh no, we can't do that. That might cause friction!"
Grow a set.
If she will not honestly discuss the issue then: if she doesn't give, she doesn't get. Then either both of you honestly discuss it and solve the issue or you move on. Step up or step off. But stop wasting everyone's time.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;168231]You guys are so chicken that you are letting you gfs get away with all kinds of games and you're telling me "Oh no, we can't do that. That might cause friction!"
Grow a set.
If she will not honestly discuss the issue then: if she doesn't give, she doesn't get. Then either both of you honestly discuss it and solve the issue or you move on. Step up or step off. But stop wasting everyone's time.[/QUOTE]
Its not about being chicken, its about being willing to sacrifice a few things for the person you love/like a lot.
I know id do just about anything to keep my girlfriend.
Stop being so harsh.
hmm i'm trying to imagine being your girl, what would make me 'want' to....hmm? maybe... buy a flavored lube or bring whip cream and chocolate into the bed room....maybe suggest 69ing..... then once you get her to finally do it.... tell her while she's doing it how good it feels and how good she is and how much you love it and then let her know afterwards too... tell her how much you enjoyed it, try this for awhile...maybe days. and see if it can convince her to keep pleasing you. I know i wish my man would praise me for all i do....
i'm kind of in your position to, i oral him SOOOOO much and i get it like maybe once a week if i'm lucky...and for like 2 min?!
How can i get him to do it longer? and more often?
EEK and Sirene, that is a childish game that you play. just because you give doesnt mean she has to do the same for you. iv been relationship where i give oral and got NOTHING for it, i asked her to but she was uncomfortable with it so i dropped it. if oral is such a big thing to you then drop her and move on
[QUOTE=unknown11;168404]EEK and Sirene, that is a childish game that you play. just because you give doesnt mean she has to do the same for you. iv been relationship where i give oral and got NOTHING for it, i asked her to but she was uncomfortable with it so i dropped it. if oral is such a big thing to you then drop her and move on[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. Yes, oral is important...but more for her to receive than him. I personally don't like recieving it. That wouldn't stop me from giving. If she feels uncomfortable about it, stand down from the situation. She'll either work around to it, or she won't. However, she definitely won't be coming to your side if you start to get all militant and bitchy about it. It takes just as much balls to accept an inconvenient condition for someone you love, as it does to go about pushing your weight around or running away because you're not getting what you want.
Just let it rest, give her time to warm up to actual intercourse (which it sounds like she's still cold towards), and after that, go about fostering the idea of doing things she may be apprehensive about.
What it sounds like, is that the OP's girlfriend simply isn't one hundred percent ready for sex yet (at least not at his level). Not knowing her, or her history (beyond the op's description) one can't say, but her apprenhension and fear (to the point of making the poster afraid) sounds like she's really not quite ready. Even though she's done the act that doesn't mean she's necessarily mentally ready. It would be wrong to force her into a corner on this issue, and especially if it left a sour taste in her mouth about sex...(pun quite possibly intended).
[QUOTE=unknown11;168404]EEK and Sirene, that is a childish game that you play. just because you give doesnt mean she has to do the same for you. iv been relationship where i give oral and got NOTHING for it, i asked her to but she was uncomfortable with it so i dropped it. if oral is such a big thing to you then drop her and move on[/QUOTE]
There's no games being played. Besides, im not about to ditch a girl i love for such a thing. That's harsh too.
You are all missing the point. It is not at all childish to require open and honest communication on an issue with your partner. If you are in here asking for help, then it must be an issue of some importance to you. This person said he tried to discuss it with her and she blew him off. Since communication was attempted, it is time to try demonstration. Demonstration means he shows her how it feels to not get something you desire. This should lead to open and honest communication. Since I do not care to type all of the above out every time this sort of issue comes up, as it all too frequently does, I use the seemingly harsh shorthand version "you get what you give".
I agree w/EEK. It seems the poster's girl want to reap the benefit of sex for her own pleasure; meanwhile, does not feel she has to do anything to keep him happy. Meaning she wants to feel good and could'nt care less if he has any pleasure, that's a one way street. If she is not willing to discuss the matter then she does not care how he feels. Not only is she denying (through indifference) him physical pleasure but she is also disregarding his emotions. Obviously she was willing to give him oral before, but now could'nt care if he wants it or not and is unwilling to address the issue. This does not lead to much of a relationship; generally her unwillingness to talk about sex is just one form of ignoring him in the relationship. Eventually he will find this attitude will spill over into other aspects of the relationship with other issues.
[QUOTE=EvilEvilKitten;168531]You are all missing the point. It is not at all childish to require open and honest communication on an issue with your partner. If you are in here asking for help, then it must be an issue of some importance to you. This person said he tried to discuss it with her and she blew him off. Since communication was attempted, it is time to try demonstration. Demonstration means he shows her how it feels to not get something you desire. This should lead to open and honest communication. Since I do not care to type all of the above out every time this sort of issue comes up, as it all too frequently does, I use the seemingly harsh shorthand version "you get what you give".[/QUOTE]
Playing these games won't make her any more likely to like doing it. Forcing her into a corner is not going to make the relationship any more honest, or open. Rather you're going to foster quite a bit of distrust and spite. You can call her immature, or deserving or anything else, but if he truly loves her. He's not going to just go about picking up his ball and walking away over this.
It's much better to enjoy what you have, than to manipulate the person you love. I'd hate it if I knew my partner was doing things she didn't like, just for my pleasure. It would make me feel like the biggest jackass in the world. Especially if she felt she had to do it in order to get the affection I should already be willing to give to her without qualms. I don't care what kind of ball-less, wimpy assed guy that makes me, there are just some fights that are worth fighting and some that aren't, and I think getting a BJ isn't one of them.
could it be she is affraid of seman get a non lubricated condom put it on and ask her to do 69 thats how my wife gives me bj's.[she don't like to swallow}
This is NOT a game, this is real life. Either you talk about it - or it ends up eroding if not poisoning your relationship until you have NO relationship and you might as well just be roommates living essentially separate lives.
Being selfish in bed is one huge relationship killer.