Dear Sweet,
I am no expert on love, relationships, but I hope this reply will help you. First of all; don't blame yourself for being upset; it's ok. Those are your feelings and it's good you are sharing them with us :) Second; I think it's beautiful your girlfriend is sharing this with you. It means she trusts you! It must have been hard for her telling you this, especially because she is so ashamed of it. She dares to be vulnerable around you. That is absolutely a compliment to you and to your relationship! :)

I think you are doing a great job; letting her know you love her, not judging her. She is probably already making it hard on herself; judging herself. One way or the other she has to make peace with her past: to accept that the girl she was, is not the women she is now. She may carry that girl inside her (your past will always be connected), but it does not determine who she is! Whatever way she chooses to accomplish this feeling of peace, it will involve time. And your love will probably help a great deal in healing her wounds. I understand the sadness you feel, especially because of your feelings on intercourse. Perhaps it helps thinking about it this way: intercourse with you has made this girl feel something beautiful: love. And she has never felt something like this. Think about it as you being her first love; because you are! Isn't that just beautiful? And doesn't it fit your picture of 'the right person'?

I'm not saying you should be in denial. I think for both of you, it would help to look at your feelings in a mild way; don't curse yourself, don't look at it likes it's something you're not supposed to feel or hate yourself for something you once did. It is there and it needs a place in yourselves and in your relationship. (This way of thinking is also known as 'mindfulness'). And most of all: celebrate the love you have!

We often come into information classified as "more than one needs to know." Betond a certain age or position in life, it is generally assumed that one has a past - sexual and otherwise. The details are, at best, irrelevant and can be damaging. To know she had a self-image problem is one thing; to know details of her sex life is quite another. You two better put this discussion to sleep in a mutually acceptable manner.

I agree with not knowing certain things about your girlfriend. Her sexual past is one of them. My last girlfriend shared everything with me, and it really changed how I viewed her. I managed to finally get over it, but it took a few months and a lot of suffering. I just couldn't handle the fact that she had a random three-some, had sex with over 15 men, and had sex with a few people just to make boost her self-esteem.

When I really started to think about it, I realized that I didn't actually have any moral problems with what she told me. I would have a three-some given the opportunity. I would have sex with as many women as I could, given the opportunity. The self-esteem boost was a red flag, but given her past, I could understand it a little.

So I ask you, how will you cope with it? She is telling you now, because she really loves you and trust you. People make mistakes, but haven't we all been there? The only thing that really matters is that she is with you now, and doesn't care about any of that other stuff that happened in the past. Focus on that :)

With the ex girlfriends that i have had the past, i have found that they do seem to tell you their secrets or that no one else knows and i think its something you just have to know about them and keep to yourself.
i think its a way for them to show their feelings towards you and your trusted.
So true with mistakes and life is about learning from those and not doing those things again
I would just take it and know that what she has been through and learnt from those things.

4 guys.

How would you expect her to handle it if you had told her that you had had 2 random sexual interludes with strange girls and two previous girlfriends?

Most women want to know that if she throws herself into a man's arms he'd have some idea of what to do with her. It really is about time you men returned the favor.

I see nothing here for which she has to reprove herself. To my mind, 4 men isn't even worth mentioning.

hmmmm, I might not understand the last reply... Is the point women and men should not be treated/judged differently (simply because of their gender)? And that you shouldn't have other standards to yourself then to others? If yes, EEK, you're so right! :)

However: I do respect the fact that everyone has their own views on what they consider ok or not. And whatever feelings it may cause. For me, I do consider having sex something special that you share with a special person. I do not think less of anyone who thinks about this differently. I accept and respect their way of life, wouldn't try to convince them otherwise, could easily be friends with them, no problemo :). Differences is what makes the world colorful! And personally, I have not been upset about my bf's past at all. I did not feel this way because he is a guy; but because 1)he is not ashamed of it, but happy with the things he did 2) had no low self-esteem at the time. If the opposite was the case, I probably would have felt upset and most of all: felt sorry for him.

I think this is the point being made (Sweet, please do correct me if I'm wrong). Talking about males/females or being judgmental of anyone's behavior was not part of this thread, from my point of view.

From most replies I've read on this forum of you EEK, which I enjoy reading, I think you're trying to stand up for the rights of females and against stereotypes, am I correct? Which I think is very good! But I also consider a danger in putting things the way you do in this comment; by emphasizing differences and stereotypes, people might start re-stereotyping again, if you catch my drift? No offense meant by this!

What I really stand up for is equal civility and consideration between people regardless of race, gender, and so forth - all of those things you're born with.

But when it comes to those things that you merely acquire, things you can stop or start being, bad habits, attitudinal handicaps - then I am here to tell you that respect is something you must EARN. Hiding from the truth does you no good. Coddling your fears does you no good. Face up, 'Fess up & Fix up.

If you've given due thought to your judgments, fine, I will accept them, but beware if you have not.

In this particular case. the lady has done nothing so dreadfully wrong but she has faced up to her past and has corrected her errors - mainly lack of self-esteem. The hesitation on the part of this man however causes me some concern. To love means to accept and realise that if those flaws/mistakes were removed, she'd/he'd be a different person and not your beloved. He has a fine lady and I sincerely hope he appreciates her for herself.

This sounds like a typical madonna/whore complex.

On one side men like women with a certain amount of experience. She wouldn't be the person she is today if she hadn't done the things in her past that you despise her for. Maybe she even learned a trick or two that makes your relationship that much better, the sex that much better, your mutual communication that much easier. You don't know what good came out of it -> she did learn from it, didn't she? :)

On the other side you want her to be pure, be "untouched". The thought of another man touching *your* woman feels awful, doesn't it?

The truth is that she is not in any way *your* woman. She is not something you own, not something that someone else has besotted or anything like that. She is just a human being and she made decisions, just like you did.

Turn the table and reframe it: Should she blame you for having been a boring person in your past?

I'm being a little rough here, but what I'm trying to point out to you is that there are several ways to view this and you don't have the patent on the right one. None of us has the right to judge others. Especially not when it comes to things that they cannot possibly in any way change.

So what now?

Whenever you feel down about this, get a grip of yourself and think about what I just said. She made some choices, they weren't right for her, she learned from it, she moved on. The only reason why this is a problem is because you (/she) is making it a problem. If you stop making it a problem, it will go away and not bother any of you again.

Think about all the ways that her experiences, good as well as bad, has enriched your lives. All the stupid mistakes we all make in our first encounters with the opposite gender she didn't make with you because she had experience - maybe this has even saved your relationship at times when you didn't even realize it, because something that could have been a problem didn't become one due to her experience.

Maybe she just needed those guys as a preparation for the real thing: You. Maybe they were just bumps in the road that she needed to travel to get to You. Maybe the sum of all of her doings and experiences was for her to be able to be with You.

It's all in the eyes of the beholder and you decide yourself how you choose to view things.

I do agree on looking on the bright sight (very well put!) But from my point of view: people won't get over anything or make any problem go away, unless you try to face why there seems to be a problem or why you do feel confused. Ignore it, block it and it will slam back right into your face, moment you least expect it! Feel it, think about it, accept it and let it go to a safe place inside you.

Attitudes, values, morals, things we believe to be true and everything else is something we learn while being raised. It defines the way we see the world. And sometimes our attitudes may confuse us as they conflict. We can try to understand why we think or feel things and even correct/improve/replace certain views. That is: if you don't simply ignore it! This process sometimes 'hurts' or will make you feel free (or both :)).

By the way: Totally agree on you standing up for equal civility, EEK! :-) He indeed has a fine lady and I hope so too that he appreciates her :) But in fact; I wasn't having any concerns about this. All I read was a story about a guy loving his lady so much, but feeling sad and a bit confused about her being a girl who is hurt by her past. But maybe I'm just naive :rolleyes: