am i right or wrong?

[emolover]

ok this will probally start a big fight or something on this thread but oh well im at a loss right now iv lost the girl i love and emo as u can tell by my user name she was everything to me pretty funny pertty much the basics we dated for 4 months and yesterday i lost her because of a missunderstaning the missunderstanding is as follows---- i have this friend lets call her (janet) and janet and me play around like we have eachother nicknames im skank shes slut and yesterday i went over to my gfs house and had sex her mom came in while we were holding eachother cuz we had just gotten done and were just holding eachother naked i ran for the door got my pants on and left my cell phone ipod and rubbers there i used my dads phone to text her everythings going great me and her just talking all of the sudden she asks "why have you and janet been flirting? lol" i flip out wondering what the hells going on since nothing ever was going on with me and janet then she tells me why called janet "squishy" since i gave my gf that name becasuse shes so soft when i hold her and reminded me of finding nemo and says its fucked up that i called janet that but what she didnt understand was that a few days ago janet had been stabbed in the back by the guy she was flirting with and she texted me saying no one loved her and that she was a "squishy red tomato" she had been sunburned so yeahh thats the whole tomato thing explained anywho i cheered her up and said id always be there for her and she got happy so she got mad said she was done and now im without a girl because she didnt understand this story is alot more complex and confousing so ill end here with the questions i wanna ask anyone who reads this 1 is it ok for me to be mad that she looked through my phone? 2think if she knew the truth will she come back? 3should i explain and pressuer her to decide or explain everything and await for her to decide if im telling the truth if u want to know more please tell me in ur comments cuz im lost and dnt wanna lose her she was the first girl i said i love you to and the one i lost my virginity to and took hers :..( i just woke up and i didnt get my goodmorning text from her and feel like something is missing thanks to all who reply and help

[RedRoses]

Dear Emolover,
Short answer: she had no right going through your phone.

Long answer: trust is the foundation of a relationship. And such actions as hers are red flags; indicating she's jealous and doesn't trust you. Your example shows just how misinterpreted, misused and malformed a story gets when people invade the other's privacy like this.

So, you're right to be angry about it. If you ask me: she's the one who has some explaining to do. Not you.
After her explanation and apologies, whether you'd want to explain to her what she was really reading, is your choice. Your mostly doing her a favor; she's getting a chance to learn. After you've explained, just a few scenario's as an example: Maybe she'll feel very very silly. Or perhaps she will not believe you. Perhaps she'll make herself into a victim "look what this is doing to me!" or even get to measures such as: "you can't see Janet again, if you want to be with me!".

Then it's you who decides what has happened here. You could regard this red flag as a (minor) bump; she made a mistake and has learned. People learn from eachother in relationships and this may be one of those moments. Or: you regard this as an inevitable personal characteristic of hers that is not likely going to go away; that is ruining your relationship. And you step out before painfully getting sucked down the drain completely.

Personally; I'd only see it as a minor bump after sincere apologies and promises to do better, making it clear that if it ever happens again, it's over. And I'm considered a very forgiving and patient person

Whatever you do, I'd advice you to NOT give into jealousy! And remember to keep your head up high!

I hope this advice helps you. I wish you luck and lots of love!

[lnt1103]

First of all, can I ask you to use periods? Separating your post into sentences would make it infinitely easier to read. For example, I was about to ask you if your girlfriend knew you didn't consider the relationship exclusive. Because I got confused and thought you'd slept with Janet.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. I agree that the snooping is a sign of jealousy and distrust and must be addressed. Having said that, if your gf is smart enough to find the texts where you called Janet "squishy", she's smart enough to find the ones where Janet called herself a tomato. Thus, IF you're going to allow the snooping to go by, GF has the info to be understanding of the content of the conversation.

How old are you two? No offense, but this sounds pretty high school freshman to me. If that's the case, move on. There are plenty of others out there.

[big916]

yes i agree with RR that she should never have checked your phone. it sounds like both of you are very young, probably still in high school so many are still learning how healthy relationships work. all i have to say is that you should follow RR's guidance and get her apologies first. you are not in the wrong here, she is. after that be emotionally prepared for every scenario that RR gave, and stand your ground.

and int brings up a good point as well, she found the text with squishy so she could find the others but decides to have tunnel vision. unless i misunderstood something with the lack of punctuation was she even looking for your texts, or did they just pop up on your phone's home screen?

[Ducy]

Int is right. About both the paragraphs and the immaturity.

But both of you are wrong.

She shouldn't have been snooping, and you should tone down your "inside jokes" with your friend. Because I hate to say it but your in a relationship. Having this "thing" with another girl is. Well sorta awkward. Me and my bestie say ily. We used to cuddle, I would slap her ass and shed slap mine. we would always joke about sex, and how she was my closet nympho. Do you think any of this continued after she or I would start dating? I haven't donee any of this since she married. Even though we have "always been this way"

And you don't love her. Your infatuated. 4 months is not enough time to "fall in love". Especially when such childish games are played. You cheered her up then she got happy then mad and ended it? Why on earth do you need to pressure her? She is freaking out because you nicknamed her squishy and then used the phrase squishy red tomato? What happens when you go to the doctors and say "doc I have this lump...iits kinda squishy!". What about your testicles? They're kinda "squishy". Is she going to cry and yell over this as well?

Although RR is right, you could regard this as a bump. I would regard this as a "obviously there is some immaturity if she's cryiing over her nickname being used in another sentence with someone else. You should explain it to her. then walk away. Why? So that she learns to NOT jump to conclusions, and you learn to avoid immature things.

[RedRoses]

Ducy, why would people be "different" in their friendship when either gets a (serious) relationship?
Someone special has been added to your life. This person complements you in a beautiful way. That doesn't mean parts of you have been taken away or that it has changed you as a person. Same people, same friendship.

Example; I have a dear friend with who I joke around a lot. He likes to make me blush, so often the jokes have sexual reference. We touch easily, hug when either of us needs it, and are often in eachother's close proximity (both having a small personal space). We continued also after he got married. I don't think either of us ever even thought about changing. In fact; in front of his then-longterm-gf and now-wife I've never felt the need to behave any differently. Likewise in front of my bf. While my bf and I were dating without others knowing, some had picked up on my butterfly-behavior. They later on told me they had speculated on who could be my lover and some had put their money on this dear friend of mine We all laughed about that!

Perhaps such situation is considered "special", but I'd say it's perfectly normal. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Ducy]

Its tough to explain. There are some "okay" things in a relationship but if you had a best friend that you had sex with, would it be proper to be in a monogamous relationship and continue to have sex? I mean if that was how your friendship was, would it be improper to ask your partner to stop?

And let's face it. In high school there is basically a fine line between flirting and friends. Most high schoolers have those "were friends but I love them and want them" friends. What he may deem as harmless friendship could very easily be flirting to an outside source. I didn't realize me and my bff were flirting until several people asked me if I was cheating on my gf at the time because the way we would act. I thought it was our friendship everyone else thought it was flirting.

[pcp71]

obviously there was an issue before she went into your phone and that is going to be the crux of the problem. I have to ask though, shy you are still maintaining such an relationship with a second girl (Janet), while you are claiming to be so in love with your girlfriend. If you are keeping your friendship with Janet a secret then you obviously feel that it's something that your girlfriend won't approve of or trust you to keep platonic. You should have been upfront about your friends and where those relationships fall in perspective to your girlfriend.
Did she have a right to peek thru your phone? Not really, but if she had asked you directly about involvements with other girls, how honest would your answer have been?

You both have some personal searching to figure out and decide if this relationship is one you both want to keep and if the trust can be rebuilt.

It takes two yes's to keep the relationship going.

[pcp71]

Originally Posted by Ducy

I didn't realize me and my bff were flirting until several people asked me if I was cheating on my gf at the time because the way we would act. I thought it was our friendship everyone else thought it was flirting.

Most people don't see their own habits as flirting (even though it so very obviously is) only because they know what the expectation is between the two people involved. The tactics are the same you used when you first start dating that someone special, but now imagine how that someone special feels when they discover you're giving someone else the attention and energy that they are no longer getting from you. Jealousy is a double edged sword and you never know which side the victim will land on.

[RedRoses]

Flirting is harmless fun. Why be bothered? You trust your partner or you don't.

Ducy, I think flirting and having sex are miles apart. But that's just my humble opinion.

On your question: "but if you had a best friend that you had sex with, would it be proper to be in a monogamous relationship and continue to have sex? I mean if that was how your friendship was, would it be improper to ask your partner to stop?" I'd say that if you're into several sexpartners, you shouldn't be changing yourself to make a sexually committed relationship work, you should find yourself a relationship-partner who agrees on that. Unless you secretly like the commitment and think it would actually suit you better. Same the other way around; perhaps a partner who is into several sexpartners, opens your eyes that this is what you've always wanted for yourself. In both cases the relationship has unlocked secret desires, not by applying restricting measures.

In other words; a relationship shouldn't be a cage that locks you in, it should be a hot tub that embraces you and brings out the best in you. There's no room for jealousy there.