Losing love...

[RedRoses]

"There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love... and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it... and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain?

Losing love is like organ damage.
It's like dying.
The only difference is death ends.

This? This could go on forever"

Quote kindly donated by the writers of Grey's anatomy, season 7, episode 22.

[Brandye]

In just six months will be the 20th anniversary of the Hospital Massacre in Vukovar. It has "gone on forever." Am I happy alone? Not quite. An emptiness? Yes. Enough to try again? Has not happened.

Life goes and so shall you. Stronger but somehow different, perhaps a better person.

[epicsexy]

They have to love and want you like you do them. With my ex I loved him so much and did everything I could for him, but no matter how hard I tried he just never loved me like I did him, sometimes the pain of an unequal and struggling relationship is worse than the pain of being alone. Which is better to feel pain for some time, get over it and fall in love with someone who meets your every need or feel the way you do now and accept the way things are for possibility the rest of your life? Only you can decide that.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oh For Heaven's Sake!

Stop being so...wet.

LIFE IS BITTERSWEET and if you are unable to revel in the grey areas of life and appreciate that bittersweetness then why are you still here - dammit?

Just because you 'loved and lost' you think your life is over and there's no more love for you in this world - which is balderdash!

There are many loves and many lovers - all you have to do is to open up your heart and mind and EMBRACE life - even the 'bad bits' because there will be a time when the party ends and this really is the only life you get - so get on with living it!

and may the Devil take the hindmost!

[RedRoses]

I'm so sorry for you Brandye. I wish for you one day this pain will stop. From all I've read from you, you are a beautiful person. You deserve your happiness. And I wish for you to have that!

The reason why I particularly appreciated the quote, is because I've recently come to realizations that I feel as if I'm ruptured from my past. Or even; from a part of myself. So many things changed and were lost last year... Perhaps what has caused me to really feel "lost" from myself, is that I lost the love I've known from birth. Physically, emotionally, historically, mentally; my family is part of me. I miss what has been so vital to my existence. And yet it seems almost as if it was a lie. Somehow I can't still identify the person I called "me" as early as my earliest memory with the person who I am now. This is weird, as I have always felt like I could... Sure; I've changed throughout the years. I've changed a lot! But it was an ongoing development; like the line of a graph with all dots connected, with drops and peaks in one flow. It seems like the dots can't be connected no more.

Someone recently asked me what it felt like. I described it like this: "Love is like a warmth that has become part of every cell in your body. You feel it, smell it, taste it. It lives within you and surrounds you no matter where you are. Now it turns cold. With every degree it drops it hurts you more, until you seem to freeze up completely. The pain echoes like a drum through your gut, your stomach, your intestines. Till it hurts your bones and your lungs breath it instead of air. Your heart becomes intoxicated, spreading the poison with every painful beat. You feel as if it could turn you to ash. You panick and lose consciousness. Losing love is like your brain damages with every flash that a memory pops up. To kill the pain, you involuntarily start blocking those memories. Every time. The place where the memory once was, slowly turns to a black hole. Until what was there seems like a dream that was never real. Some fantasy that both your mind and heart consider impossible to have happened. You've become empty. You've lost. Not just the memories. Not just your family. Not just love. But something within yourself that seems impossible to be restored. You're ruptured. You're mourning."

Few evenings later, I saw the episode which ended with the quote above. At the moment; I refuse to really believe it goes on forever. I'm trying to reconnect the dots and repair the damage. With a smile, as I've always done. I've promised myself to never lose that

[EvilEvilKitten]

I find it very disheartening to see people focusing upon 'lost love', which is not possible - you never lose love, instead of tucking that love into their hearts and going forward into life empowered by the love they have known and enjoyed.

Stop focusing upon this as a'loss' because that someone once loved you is a GAIN. Just because that person isn't here doesn't mean the love he/she gave has gone as well - it hasn't. It is still there and will be there as long as you live.

[epicsexy]

RR, I'm truly sorry for your loss and your pain. After reading your last post and rereading you original post, I noticed my post is completly irrelevant, I apologize.

[RedRoses]

Epic, thank you. And no apologies needed. It was your response to a quote I posted without further reference. So how could it be irrelevant?

EEK, there certainly is truth in that! Once more; you've shown how you have a talent for putting the right words together. The gifts life has given you are truly worth cherishing.

Yet; the light of today may put things of the past in a different perspective. Which probably is what makes me feel so lost. I don't want to acknowledge it. And at the same time; I need to. In order to unlearn and break established patterns. Also; how people keep on "missing" is only human. As my counselor tells me; you wouldn't be human, if it didn't hurt.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Yes, well, I didn't say that it didn't hurt - but rather like having kids - yeah it hurts but hey.

So smile ruefully and get on with living.

[ArianaCary]

I read out your problem. i think you should understand each and every thing clearly after that go ahead.