Jealousy

[Ducy]

Why is this even an emotion? It seems so useless and only ever causes problems.


For instance. I have an "open" fwb. Basically we hook up constantly, but are welcome to have anyone else. (With certain rules)

My friend tells me she had an encounter and that he was amazing at oral and such.

I jokingly said "well I'm glad you finally found someone better " because I told her she would find someone better (she thought I was amazing but I associated it with me taking her virginity and not knowing any better) she replied with "ya I know I was surprised"

Of course I brought this upon myself but at the same time now I'm jealous and I've let my ego get bruised. I guess I should implement a don't ask don't tell policy.

[jessica roy]

I have been in a number of these relationships. your jelousy is not uncommon but must be controlled. This relationship is not for everyone and maybe its not for you. I think you need to find the right balance to suit you and avoid any deep emotional conection.

[Ducy]

Ya I think its mostly my ego since we have both been with other people and I have never been "outdone" and any girl I've had has never quite been as fun in bed as her.

I went for a walk shortly after posting that and I must say it really cleared my head. I should be happy that she's finding things she likes in bed or things that other people do that wow her....at least she can show me and I can learn to be a better partner.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Jealousy is sexual insecurity trying to masquerade as loving concern.

Those who are secure in their sexuality and have self-esteem have no need for such a destructive emotion.

Both men and women have a desire for overt sexual novelty that is 'just sex'. This is why the Lifestyle (aka swinging) is so popular. 3-somes, 4-somes, more-somes and kink are all attempts to bring overt sexual novelty back into our sex lives.

Covert sexual novelty is for those who are more intuitive; who realise that their long-term partner has changed (as they also have) and thus there's a little bit of novelty in each sexual interlude.

Combining the two into one relationship is the BEST of both worlds and a situation I heartily recommend!

[RedRoses]

Originally Posted by EvilEvilKitten

Jealousy is sexual insecurity trying to masquerade as loving concern.

Those who are secure in their sexuality and have self-esteem have no need for such a destructive emotion.

Interesting...

As much as I agree with the above quote, I question: Can someone be (highly) insecure, yet not be jealous?
My answer to that appears to be "yes". Which in turn makes me lost on the validity of the quote. So; help me out here? No pun intended!

Perhaps jealousy is just one of the ways one could have destructive emotions. But by experiencing jealousy you bring the emotion towards the outside world/others, making it destructive on yourself in the longterm. Whereas you could also become self-destructing in the short term; pointing the anger directly towards yourself... Perhaps that makes the emotion of jealousy have a function for short term protection of the ego? Once jealousy is shortly applied, you could take that moment to breath and return to having productive thoughts and emotions again?

[EvilEvilKitten]

No they can't be insecure and yet not jealous.
Because both are based upon "I'm not worthy."
You self-destruct because, basicly, you believe you're not worthy.
Same, same - just different langauge and all based upon FEAR.

[RedRoses]

Reason I'd say it is possible to be insecure yet not jealous is out of personal experience. I've always been insecure, yet I can't remember ever feeling jealous so far. Some have joked about me missing the jealousy&envy-gene

I think jealousy comes from feeling not worthy and blaming the world for it. Reason why I think this is because others have many times been jealous of my grades a.o. What I noticed was that a) they were blaming me for their unhapiness and b) they got overly upset that I would simply and truly be happy for them if their prestation exceeded mine, instead of giving them back the jealousy-respons....

[EvilEvilKitten]

This is not to say that every case of insecurity will manifest itself into jealousy but it is guaranteed that every case of jealousy exists because of an underlying insecurity based upon fear. We can spend time delineating every single version of fear/insecurity/manifestation but why not keep it simple?

[Ducy]

So I realized something last night. My insecurity couldn't have been the cause of my jealousy, and jealousy probably isn't even the right word. We were sexting and it turned into me being curious to what exactly happened. Then it moved into her telling me how bad she was and how I was going to have to punish her. I actually kinda like the idea of her with someone else and me "showing her what happens when she is bad". Sorta a "dominance" thing? I don't know if that's the right word. Plus it helps knowing someone did "better" just makes me wanna work harder, learn new things, and be a better lover.

I guess it was just a thing I had to come to terms with. Especially since there were some negative experiences involved with people being "better" then me.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Oh dear, now we have this whole thing about how Ducy is now her "daddy" and she's his "litte girl" who he gets to F and spank etc. etc. How she has to be punished for having fun. Yes it is both common and normal but you might ask her why she can't just go out and have fun without the whole mind trip. It is a dominance/submission thing - some go so far as to wear diapers and need their asses to be spanked until literally black and blue. Go figure.