How do you have a fulfilling sex life after sexual abuse?

[raunchy gal]

Sexual abuse is a terrible thing to happen to anyone.But when it does happen how does a person get over the blame,guilt,fear and other bad feelings and have a fulfilling sex life with a loving partner.It happened to me and almost 30yrs later i am still unable to enjoy sex in the way i would like to.I don't enjoy giving oral as much as i'd like ,and can't quite reach the peak of orgasm,and it took me years to masturbate without feeling dirty and disgusted in myself.I have had some counselling but it hasn't stopped me from feeling like i have missed out on something good and precious to me.Any tips!!!

[Aphrodite_66]

I think she said that she wants a loving partner,not many.How is screwing around going to solve the issues RG has faced and is still coming to terms with after all of these years.Jeez she needs someone to love and cherish her,not a different piece of c**k everynight,although it would be nice to have a different man for everyday of the week.

[lnt1103]

Yeah, ashok, you're not helping. Telling someone to do precisely what they DON'T want, doesn't help them get what they want.

RG, I can't speak from personal experience, but you might try more counseling.

Not remotely the same thing as your experiences, but it makes a point or two, so I'm going to ask you to bear with me: my older brother fell asleep at the wheel and died when I was 14. Right when I was starting to learn to drive. So, you guessed it, I didn't for many years. Several things in addition to that played into my driving issues, but that one was huge. Then, years down the road, there came up a professional opportunity that required I drive. A friend offered to coach me, so we drove together a few hours a week for 5 weeks. And 2 days short of the 15th anniversary of my brother's death, I got my license on the very first try. It took me 15 years, but then it only took me 5 weeks and one try. Today, I drive to 4 places from my apartment: the grocery store up the street, the fast food restaurant next to it, the shopping mall a mile away, and work. If I go to that fast food place over lunch, I drive my route home, then up the street to the restaurant, even though there's probably a slightly quicker way. I've never taken an interstate on-ramp let alone the actual interstate, and I've never been over about 50mph. I'd much prefer more like 40mph, in general.

I might never get to where I can do the highway or interstate, or drive routes I've never driven before without a navigator the first time or two. But that's okay, you know it? Because some never do, in reality. And because while maybe I don't drive hardly at all compared to some, I am one hell of a lot farther along than I was even a year and a half ago. Back then, there were mornings I didn't want to get out of bed because it meant getting behind that wheel and I was tired of it for the week. These days, I make a point of driving somewhere on Saturdays for the sake of getting behind the wheel an extra time.

My points:

1) some of these details of your struggles might never completely go away. It might never get perfect. But that's okay. Because I would be willing to bet it can get pretty damn good. And anyway, whatever "can'ts", "won'ts" or "I don't likes" you have, I can almost guarantee you you're far from the only one. As someone once told me, we all have our things.

2) do the best you can to benchmark your progress based on yourself, not on societal "shoulds". Where are "you right now" compared to "you a year ago"? And, where do "you a year from now" want to be compared to "you right now"? I've said before myself that "there should be no reason I can't get better than I am right now" when it comes to driving. My coworker/mentor told me that was a very brave thing to say the first time she heard me say it. Goals are good-they're what keep us going. But base those goals on "you right now", not "what everyone else wants/does".

Based on your postings here in just the past few weeks, I've already seen you make some progress. Good work, keep it up! And don't be afraid to ask for help.

[paul52]

ehRG, Im sorry for the trouble you have gone thru, make sure you stay with the Councilling, it will work, eventually. Be yourself on here, speak your mind, and dont post what you think others will like to read.

[EvilEvilKitten]

RG - get a new counselor. For the answer to your question of how is through EFFECTIVE counseling.

All counselors are not alike and "one does NOT fit all' as the expression goes.

Your problem was compounded by the lack of ANGER and the lack of IMMEDIATE DISCLOSURE.

People: when someone robs you - you yell and call the police.
That's EXACTLY what you should do for sexual abuse REGARDLESS of who is doing the abuse.

GET MAD!

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER and TELL!

SING LIKE A CANARY WITH A 10 FOOT WINGSPAN!

Why? Because the anger you feel - well, unless you nail your abuser - you will internalize it and begin blaming yourself for what is your abuser's SIN.

Let me make one last point here: predator want a nice easy life. They don't want to have to work too hard to get what they want. They cannot risk 'injury' so they go after weak prey - usually timid, shy, introverted, lonely men and women and the powerless defenseless children.

Please wrap your mind around the concept of being DANGEROUS and accept the idea that being timid, shy, lonely, introverted INVITES attack. Being 'nice' does NOT require you to also be prey.

I have found that being a Tigress with the manners of a Duchess most effective.

[raunchy gal]

You are right EEK I was timid,shy,introverted and a loner.But i was also only 8 years old when my abuse began.And the fact that my uncle was only 13 at the time doesn't change the fact that he took advantage of a vulnerable child that needed attention.My mother was ill and my father worked to support us,his mother mainly took care of my brothers and i ,as my mother suffered from severe depression.My silence was mainly to protect her as it was her younger brother molesting me and i didn't want to be responsible for causing her further emotional damage.He took my silence to be consent,but it was more shock and horror.I did speak up at 16 and told him that if he ever touched me again that he'd regret it for the rest of his life, and if he wanted kids he'd better keep his hands to himself.I don't want another counsellor.I like the one i have now and she is helping me see that i didn't bring any of this upon myself.I'ts up to me now to kick it to the curb and live my life from now on.So if i meet a wonderful person,male or female i'm going to love them the best way i can, and concentrate on what lies ahead,not what is in the past.

[EvilEvilKitten]

Go see the movie The Ice House (available only on VHS, sorry). This is one of the few movies I actually went and bought - amazing, I know.

But it also depicts quite accurately the trauma of abuse.

[raunchy gal]

Thanks for the recommendation EEK,i'll look for the movie.But whether i can watch it all is another matter.I find that when i watch films dealing with sexual abuse that i usually burst into tears and have to get up and leave the room.It always is just that little bit too personal for me to be able to sit and watch with dry eyes.

[RedRoses]

EEK, from what year is that movie? 1978? There are new ones too from 1997 and 2010, but you never know if it is depicted as good... IMDb Search

I understand it's after a book by Minette Walters. Perhaps a book is a little less invading then pictures for you, RG. EEK, would you say the book works too?

[raunchy gal]

EEK & RedRoses i Googled the title of that film but could not find anything by that name.Found a reference to a 1997 film titled "The Ice Storm"-directed by Ang Lee dealing with sexual abuse/family dysfunction.The main actors/actresses:Kevin Kline,Joan Allen & Sigourney Weaver(one of my favorite actresses-though haven't heard of this film)It is also a book.The film chronicles two families The 'Carvers & Williams'Does this description ring a bell EEK RedRoses i probably would prefer to read the book before seeing the film.I'll check out my local library.I can read controversial material in print,but might find it hard to sit through a film with such graphic content which i believe the film contains.However as i am a fan of Sigourney Weaver i might give it a go if i can get hold of a copy.